Gr(ade)eat Disappointments

2010 is coming to an end, to be honest, it probably is one of THE most fruitful years in my life. If I were to look at how I am now as compared to me pre-australia and pre-dentistry, I think the Jocelyn that left wasn't the Jocelyn that came back.

I have never, NEVER once in my past 23 years ever studied as hard as I have this year, or rather, I never knew what it meant to study until now. Perhaps it's the passion or perhaps it's just God preparing me all my life just for today. He probably knew that if I were to be an overachiever at a young age, I'd probably burn out now and not have that desire to study, but because right now, in my opinion, I HAVE NEVER studied EVER in my life, I'm actually trying to make up for the lost time. Ironic isn't it?

I wish I had the same fire same desire for my books in NUS as I have in UWA, but at the same time, I'm thankful I didn't make the rat-race in uni my priority cause I won't be enjoying and loving what I'm doing now as much. Well.. That said, I got my results today.. (imagine big sigh and a look of disappointment) I didn't do as well. A high distinction, two distinctions, a credit and a pass.. I know I can do better than this. I would typically be ecstatic if I had this in NUS, but this really does not satisfy me at all.

Apart from that, I've got a lot of self-reflection to do and a lot more to post about my thoughts, just that blogging at 5.30 in the morning isn't the best time, given the fact that I've not even had a wink. Off I go now, more rants to come.

GRRRrrrrrrr!!!!!!!! EXAMS!

Exams exams exams.. The word itself just sounds so tense. Call me a sadist, but I do enjoy these stress inducing, nausea activating, coffee gulping and mentally draining events. Yes. I'm quite a special one. I wish I did as well as I enjoyed them though, that would have been a good combination.

Never have I, NEVER, in my life, read through my textbook (s) cover to cover. Seriously. Those biochemistry, molecular biology, physiology and anatomy (Garrett&Grisham, Alberts, Sherwood, Gray's.. Sounds familiar?) textbooks that I've had since my NUS days have been UTILIZED. BRUTALLY.

Three years in NUS and I barely flipped those books, just a couple of months here, I've practically read most of them cover to cover (ok, I admit, a bit of exaggeration here), but close to it! There's SO much to know, there's such an intense hunger to know and to absorb as much as I can, only thing is, there isn't much time.

I'm crossing my fingers about Normal Systems, it's not humane to squeeze the breadth of three semesters worth of medical school anatomy into one for dental students and call it NORMAL systems. It is totally and absolutely NOT AT ALL normal. Yes.. as you can see.. this is what it has done to me. Six exams in ONE week. AWESOME! I'm half done, half to go! I'm going to pull through this!!! I may not do well in SOME of the units, but I'm going to do what I can, in what little time I have, to do well for the rest of it! I DON'T believe I can't!!!!

(you see the determination in my eyes? Imagine it!) *ROAR*

The Road of Recovery.. and a note to Whoever you may be..

Life indeed has its surprises.. Some take your life on a whole new journey, test your limits, allow you to grow, make you whole and occasionally some catch you off guard and it's only retrospectively that you'd be able to see what good came out of a surprise that 'bad'.

I think these two weeks have been rather harsh emotionally.. I mourned with a friend over loss, prayed and hoped alongside another while her family fought, thankfully victoriously, against cancer, I said pre-mature "goodbyes" to friends whom I wish I had more time to know, to friends, who I may not spend a lot of time with or known very well, yet, whose very presence has made such a significant difference to my life. The thought that I'd possibly never see them again, never be able to say that casual "hey, how are you going" along the corridors of college. Perhaps I'm just an emotional type of person, but it really took a toll on me. A good cry didn't even work this time.

I think of all the "worries" that have been burdening my heart and wonder, how does it compare to all of that? All the questions of.. "I wish I knew.." all seems so redundant. Why do affairs of the heart affect me that much, a girl that uses her head more than her heart? Or rather, attempts to rule her heart with her head.

I know time will tell, whether or not it's meant to be.. and if it's not, I'm sure time will take the pain while I grow out of him. I don't know. It's just frustrating simply cause I wish I knew how he was feeling right now, it's not easy to just not think of someone and wait for him to sort himself right, without knowing whether or not it's all in vain.

Right now, I know my exams are a lot more important than this, I know my second greatest love (God being my first) requires my absolute attention and that's what it will have. It's just when I'm taking a blog break that I ponder.. that I think.. I wish life didn't have THAT many surprises, or surprises within surprises. He was a surprise, but who knew, he had another surprise for me when he came into my life. I was watching Mr Bean's holiday for a bit, and was reminded of what my mom said, that he had mannerisms like Bean's.. though I know it wasn't a compliment from her side of the story, but it's what I find absolutely endearing.. It's his eccentricities that I've grown to like. I do, I really do see his faults, but at the same time, I know those are the things that make him him, and faults that don't seem to matter when I see what draws me to him and that extra thing, that I've still yet to figure, that grips me.

At times, I really wish I knew what it was and it'd be easy for me to let it go, like sand in the wind. Perhaps I'm just a hopeless romantic.. Or maybe I'm really not as good as I claim to be at taking my feelings in hand.

I got reminded of a song, a song that I really loved years ago.. and I think.. if I can, I want to dedicate it to my special someone, who ever you may be, be it.. you, or someone I've yet to meet.. Its lyrics depicts aptly my feelings for the person who'll make claim of that "special someone" in my heart..

That's when I love you - Aslyn

When you have to look away

When you don't have much to say

That's when I love you

I love you, just that way

To hear you stumble when you speak

Or see you walk with two left feet

That's when I love you

I love you, endlessly

And when your mad cuz you lost a game

Forget I'm waiting in the rain

Baby i love you,

I love you anyway

Here's my promise made tonight

You can count "on" me for life

That's when i love you

When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, The more I love

The more my heart cant get enough

That's when I love you, no matter what

So when you turn to hide your eyes

Cause the movie it made you cry

That's when I love you

I love you a little more each time

And when you cant quite match your clothes

Or when you laugh at your own jokes

That's when I love you

I love you, more than you'll know

And when you forget that we had a date

Or that look that you get when you show up late

Baby I love you, I love you anyway

Here's my promise made tonight

You can count "on" me for life

That's when i love you

When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, The more I love

The more my heart cant get enough

That's when I love you,

When I love you no matter what

That's when I love you

When nothing baby

Nothing you do could change my mind

The more I learn, The more I love

The more my heart cant get enough

That's when I love you,

When I love you no matter what

No matter what

Emotional nights

It's once again valedictory dinner. It didn't feel that bad last semester, but this dinner brought tears to my eyes. Some friends are leaving, moving on with their life, yet it's a bittersweet feeling that I have within me. I wish so much that I had known them more and had a deeper friendship with them, yet, I'm just thankful and blessed that they've come into my life and left such deep footprints in them. I love them to bits.

I don't know whether it's cause of that that I'm emotional now, but I miss him, I miss him loads. There are lyrics to a song that really says it all, it's by Daniel Bedingfield - If you're not the one..

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know life so far away
But I know that its just a trip
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I'Ve build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Some things aren't so easy to figure

It's pretty amazing, come to think of it, how far (figuratively and literally) I've come. I would think leaving home to come to a foreign place would be the scariest thought on earth, yet I was eager and excited for this new journey. Perhaps me being passionately IN LOVE with Dentistry made things a lot better and smoother, but I was also really looking forward to this time of independence. Being in Perth, building my own life and my own comfort zone has been one of the best experiences in my life. That said, I have to admit though, that though I was independent, I am still very much dependent. I don't think anyone can truly be independent.. I realised just how much I had to rely on the Lord and how He has planned, perfectly, for my friends to be around me at the right time, at the right place.

Yes.. I've come so far and in a glimpse lived here for almost a year. It still seems rather surreal to me, being in dental school.. this gift still surprises me every time I think of it. I know everyday I go to school, I wonder, just how amazing this is, how thankful I am for being here. Each and everyday, I fall deeper in love with what I'm doing. For that, I'm extremely blessed.

And in just these couple of months, I've met the most amazing and diverse group of friends. From the Northern hemisphere to right down under.. How cool is that?! and within these couple of months, I've fallen in love and some what, out of, or.. have I? I don't know. This is the first time I've actually taken a relationship rather seriously, simply cause I've never realised I could feel this way for someone, just the depth of it took me by surprise.

After Desmond, I thought I could never feel the same way for a guy again, simply cause I lost faith in the gender itself. Then I met him.. A guy who doesn't fit my expectations, yet there's just something about him that grips my heart. Till now, even after so long, I still can't figure.. Perhaps I'm not supposed to.. but I reckon, once I do figure what it is exactly about him that grips me, it'd be so much easier to let all my feelings go.

I think those of you who know me well enough would know what once I set my mind to doing something, almost nothing (but God) can stop me from it. The same goes for relationships, it's not hard for me to put my head into my heart, to rationalize things and to see for myself just why things won't work, once I do, I almost immediately can move on. Yet this time, I have a list, a rather long and non-exhaustive list of the reasons why we won't work out, yet I can't rule over my heart this time.

I know at this point in time, I can't give up my lifestyle for the country, I know I won't be able to live a life that is so slow, I know I can't give up the "city" in me. I look at him and I can list things about him that would get on my nerves, how he just does not at all fit the bill.. He's not gentlemanly in his mannerisms, in the sense that he doesn't get the chair, nor the car door, nor does exude the whole "I'm here to protect you" thing.. He isn't ONE BIT sensitive to my needs, or to how I'm feeling, he's one of the least caring persons I've ever met, or rather, he just doesn't show emotion that well.. and he's not exactly the most driven guy I've met, nor one that makes me his priority.. All that would totally put me off. TOTALLY. And I've prayed, over and over again, for Him to take the feelings away, but even after all that.. My heart still feels for him. I'm exasperated, not at him but at myself.. Just why is it so hard this time?

I wish I could figure things out, I've given up trying at the moment, cause I don't think I'll ever come to a conclusion. I know HE is telling me to wait upon HIM and HIS plans.. sometimes.. just sometimes, it gets really tiring.

The Little bits of Life

These couple of days have been hectic. Assignments and disappointments make the best recipe for disaster. I officially can't get a high distinction for Operative Dentistry, it's something that I've been working so hard for during practicals and I'm blessed that I did well in that aspect, but the mid semesters were impossible, and hence my utter disgust and disappointment at myself. Well.. All hope isn't lost, though this sounds nearly IMPOSSIBLE, I still can get my HD if I get about 90% in the finals. I'm going to give it my best shot, at least I know if I don't, I've let myself down with that bit of dignity.

Apart from school work, there's a part of my head and bits of my heart that is still trying to rationalize things. I was just telling Esther that it'd be so much easier for me to give up my feelings if I can rationalize that one thing that draws me to him, only thing is, I still haven't figured what exactly that is. She told me that perhaps its Him that isn't allowing me to figure it out. I really don't know. It's really hard for someone like me, who likes answers and abhors uncertainty to be in a situation where my head says, "give up, you've rationalized this and it doesn't make any sense for you to feel this way", yet there's this little voice in my heart that says, "No no. There's something special about him that's worth the wait.".

Don't get me wrong, I'm not mulling over this day in and day out, it's just something that comes to my mind once in awhile. When I watch a chick flick, hear a sappy love song and sometimes when the girls talk about having a special someone, I still think of him. It's bizarre if you ask me, simply cause I know how I work and Jocelyn doesn't do this AT ALL. I'm more determined when it comes to my feelings, but yet, I don't know why this time, it all feels different. I know God is telling me to let Him be in control and that's what I'm doing. I'm not trying, I'm not putting in the effort..

I honestly don't know. Writing and blogging is my only way of getting my thoughts out of my system. I wish he knows how I'm feeling, I wish he could man up and tell me what I should do.. At times I really wish I could be as stone hearted as I was.. I don't know what magic or charm he had that broke my walls, cause I'm finding it really hard to build them up again.

The Open Door

I'm supposed to be working on my assignment now, but well.. no harm done squeezing in a bit of procrastination right?

Spring break was a really timely one, got to spend some time with mom and dad, and went down to Emma's for the weekend. For the first time in my life, I did things that I never have done before.. ride a horse, pick fresh vegetables from the garden, feed the chickens and all sorts of things. Was living the country life for a couple of days!

I was just telling the girls that I can so imagine bringing up kids in such an environment that is absolutely suited for a family life, and you get to spend so much time with the kids and nurture them, but at the same time, I thought to myself, am I too much of a "city-girl" to go country? I don't know.. I like my high heels and my dress ups, as much as they seem superficial, they're a part of what makes me me. I reckon you can never take the city out of me.. Don't get me wrong, I like the country life, its pace and its serenity, but I suppose, it's a luxury to live like that, in the sense that.. luxuries only come once in awhile. I still miss the fast paced life we have in Singapore, I miss the crowds, the noise, the efficiency, the strive to be the best and of course the shopping, the bustling city.. then again, I'm the atypical city kid, no clubs, no drinks, no partying, but I have my own version of fun. =)

Well.. Apart from that, I met a few of Emma's relatives and what one of them said brought tears to my eyes... She said, one thing she remembers her mom telling her as a young girl was that, "life is like a corridor, when one door shuts, another opens. Never look back."

Never look back, never regret, never go.. "what if..", because "what if.." will never happen again. It's to embrace what we have in our open doors and make the best of it, so when it shuts in future, we know we don't have to look back and say.. "I wish I had...". Right now, I'm standing at my open door and telling myself to make the most of it, to do my very best. I may not be the best student nor the brightest, but I yearn to be a dentist that is a 100%. One that gives her 110% to her patients, who tries her best at getting 100% of the things right, as much as I can never be perfect scoring, I know I'm doing my best for my patients, I'm giving my best to the Lord and making the most of this immense gift he has given to me.

It was a good reminder to set my priorities straight again. It's hard, it's really hard, cause I don't deny that this time round, it's seems so hard to shut my feelings down and to ditch it, cause there's a voice within that says, "not just yet". It's weird cause my brain rules my heart, but yet this time, it's that tad difficult. Whatever the case, I'm not intending to deal with it, what ever will be, will be, in God's time. For now, I'm loving the open door and the people in it that I'm standing with.

It ended with the fireworks

What can be a more spectacular end than fireworks? They're always beautiful, give you a sense of warmth and wonder, yet sadly, often short-lived.

I had a moment during the Perth Royal show.. I was watching the fireworks and midway, I told myself, I'd let my feelings for him go like the fireworks and once it ends, it'd all end. At some point, I wished the fireworks never ended, but I knew, it was what I had to do.

Till yesterday, I was still hopeful, I thought I could carry the feelings within my heart and wait for him.. Perhaps I don't have the tenacity when it comes to waiting for someone. Or rather, I would gladly wait on someone if I knew that the feelings were reciprocated, I'm willing to wait for him while he sorts himself out, only thing is, it has to be a purposeful wait.

At the same time, right now, I feel like I've got to sort myself out too.. Nothing, really, NOTHING should get in the way of Dentistry, and if it/he is, then it's time to take it out.

Another thing that came to my mind was that, I really do think that I deserve better, not that he isn't a good guy, but I think I deserve to be treated better, to be loved a lot more and to be appreciated for who I am. I don't know why it took me so long to actually see this, but I think I should give myself some credit for being the kind of girlfriend that I am and if he doesn't appreciate and see what he has, then it's his loss and not my prerogative to work towards letting him see that.

Yes. It was just yesterday that I felt that way.. but right now, at this point in time, I'm freeing the position of "special someone", I'm not just taking a break from relationships, I'm taking a break from him and the some what nonsense that he has put me through. I don't think I have to justify the reasons why I think I deserve someone who treats me a lot better and loves me more.. I think finally, I've realised, that I do.

Before the show began, my heart yearned for him, for his presence with me at the royal show, I wished I was holding his hand and having all the fun.. But at the end of the show, like the fireworks, my feelings ended when it did. Enough is enough, it's time to move on.

On Eagle's Wings

"Que Sera Sera" and the famous line "whatever will be, will be, the future is not ours to see". It quite aptly summarizes my thoughts right now. I've been praying over him and us for the past few days and I think I've come to my conclusion, I don't know whether it's His conclusion, but that's where I think my heart is drawing me to.

I don't deny at all that I still do feel quite strongly for him, the spot of "that someone special" still belongs to him, I reckon it would stay that way for a bit cause it takes time for me to compartmentalize and box these feelings up. Regardless of what happens to us in a romantic relationship, I do believe that he is a great guy and a friend that I hold very dearly and closely.

If you've read my previous posts, you'd know that we've taken a step back from being "in a relationship" for various reasons, of which I completely respect and at this point in time, I think is truly legitimate and essential. The next thing is, what do I do with my feelings? Like how I've ended my previous post, "is he worth the wait". I think I've found my answer.

If you've known me long enough, you should know I'm pretty much a very uncomplicated girl, I don't ask for much, nor expect a lot, I love clarity and I know where in life I'm going and I'm very clear of that. That's probably why I don't like grey areas, I don't like limbo.

For the past few days, I've been asking the Lord, "What should I do", "Why am I feeling this way towards him and yet I'm getting mixed signals from him", "why give me the provision to love and yet let this happen". The Lord impressed upon my heart His message, "My child, if I could bring you into dentistry in such a miraculous way, above and beyond anyone's expectations, what more this aspect of your life.. I am the maker of Love, I am Love. I've got this handled, leave it to me." It may or may not be him that He has planned for me, but I know, he'll be someone amazing.

Della, my cell group leader from FCC called me tonight and told me about her vision of an eagle.. How God is like the eagle and I will sore on Eagle's wings, that He knows and sees my heart, my worries and my troubles, and He has my plan in the palm of His hands. I just burst into tears when she told me that.. Simply cause He's so tangible. God speaks to us in so many ways.. Amen!

I was talking to Brendon too.. and he has shared with me insights, and for some reason, i think he reads my mind.. Half the time, I've already made up my mind, but it's just that I have to speak to him and he'll extract it out of me. He truly is such a brother and a blessing!

He's right, you can only either be with someone or not be with someone, choosing to be in limbo is already making a choice to NOT be with the person. I think Chris's actions for the past couple of days have been very reflective of the latter. If you really like someone, and if you're in a stage of your life where you're figuring your life out, your work and whether or not that person is for you, then you'll work very hard and make a conscious decision to work hard towards improving yourself for that person, and the fact that he doesn't, simply just goes to show, he probably doesn't like me enough for that.

When a person matters to you, you'd do your best for her. That's as simple as it gets. Not having enough time because of a busy study schedule is never an adequate excuse, it is a legitimate one, but at least for me, it's not good enough an excuse. Cause life will only get busier from here, it'll get more hectic, with more responsibilities and pressures that will come your way in multiple magnitudes and dimensions, it the commitment and effort to go, "I'll do my best" that makes a relationship work. It's the acknowledgement that this person that you like matters enough for you to work out life with her in mind. Work and studies will always be a priority, but these are different facets of life and cannot be put on the same measuring scale as relationships.

Perhaps he really isn't ready for a relationship, but aforementioned, if a person really matters and if you really like a person, you'd work your hardest to work towards being ready for her. But letting it fall into place passively speaks heaps about how he feels towards me. I think I have my answer. I can't wait in limbo for him to decide because it messes with my head too much. I like clarity, I need affirmation and if he can't give me either, then that act itself says a lot about what I mean to him. Like I've said, I won't wanna make someone a priority when I'm just an option.

I asked Brendon, what was it exactly about me that lands me in such situations, where the guys/boys/men in my life are always undecided when I think I'm already such an uncomplicated person.. and he went, "because they are the ones that are complicated, and being in limbo is the best solution, while it isn't the case for you". Seriously, what will I do without him..

I told him, honestly, that I wish I could just go to someone and say, "look, you know me best, you know what's best, just find someone who matches all that and I'll obey, I'll commit to loving that person for the rest of my life." and I think I know just who to leave this to.. my Lord.. He's in control. Like I've said previously, being in love with a person is important, but more importantly, committing to love someone is far greater and more essential than the feeling of love itself, simply because it means you're going to work hard to love the person, knowing that it'd be difficult and tumultuous, and committing to loving him through it all.. So yes.. I'm committing myself to THE guy that HE has planned for me.

Right now, I'm at peace cause I know I'm soaring on Eagle's wings.. I'm living in the plans in the palm of His hands.

Is he worth the wait?

"Trust and Obey", I tell myself that all the time. I don't know how many people actually struggle with that, but I honestly have my moments. I yearn to live a life that is holy and edifying to the Lord, I know I can never be perfect nor holy enough, but that said, I'm delighted to live in the truth that we have been made right with God when Christ died on the cross for us, we have been atoned and reconciled.

Yes. I'm struggling. It's not exactly a major problem, but if you've read my previous post on a Relationship Hiatus, I think you'd probably know where I'm coming from. I know and can feel the Lord impress upon my heart, to leave it to Him, to let HIM lead... To let Him lead me to the right one in His time, and whether or not it's him that we're talking about. I mean, after all, He has brought me to Perth, brought me into dentistry in the MOST amazing way ever.. what more something like love, which He is all about.. but but but.. I just can't help it at times.. it's really frustrating.

I truly understand where he's coming from, and honestly, it was something that I held really close to my heart. A couple of weeks into the relationship, I was reminded of what I believed.. That I'm going to keep my heart, guard it, for the one man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. It's not to say that I'm going to be guarded with everyone, it just means, I'm only going to give my heart to the man God has willed for me, the one whom I know will guard my heart. I honestly started freaking out and thinking of all the "what if's". I liked him, but I couldn't say that he's the one, at that point in time that he'd be the one I can potentially spend the rest of my life with.. So it was good that we took a step back from being in a relationship to where ever we are at this point in time.

In all honesty, I do know that the feelings I have for him is something very special, something I've never experienced before.. but now.. I'm not sure (not with regards to my feelings, but his). That's why I say I'm struggling to "trust and obey". Right, if you know me well, you should know that I like structure, I like to have a plan, it's either black or white, and as much as I love the colour, I don't like grey areas. And that's how it's like right now, being in Limbo. It's alright if being in limbo means, "we're still getting to know each other and nurturing the feelings" or "we're taking a step back to see where the Lord takes us", these have a significant notion that we're still a part of each other's life.. that we still would want to be a part of each other's life, and more importantly, we still keep each other close in our lives.. BUT NOW... I'm not getting that from him. I don't know if it's me being over sensitive, but I don't know anymore.

"Trusting and obeying" in the Lord, would now mean, for me to trust Him, and just not seek and not WANT answers. It's for me to not decipher His will with my "messed up feelings and mind" and try to understand His will for me from my perspective.. It is for me to really just trust in the Lord and know that I have Hope in Him alone. But me being me, wanting to be as uncomplicated as ever.. Like answers. I've told the girls, that it will be so so much easier for me to box up these feelings and keep them away, only down side for that is.. once kept, it can never be retrieved. I don't want to try so hard, cause it gets so tiring. I don't want it to become this one way thing.. simply cause I don't really know what's going on on his side. He says he has feelings and stuff.. but his actions prove otherwise. Honestly, what am I to do or believe?

I honestly dislike being in these situations. Really. I'm not saying that I want to be in a relationship right now, cause I don't think I'm ready to make such a huge commitment to be in some sense, "pre-engaged" to someone, but I'm just looking for some affirmation that I'm not waiting blindly for someone. Next question is... Is he worth the wait?

A Relationship Hiatus

I SHOULD be studying rather than blogging, there's just so much to know and so little time to get it all down! A lot has been happening lately, don't know if I can actually put it down in words aptly enough. Perhaps, more accurately, I'm on a relationship hiatus. No, I'm not taking a break from him because I can't balance the two, in fact, come to think of it, the only time whereby we spend time together is at Bible studies, care group and Church, and that occasional hangout. So there's not much to cut down from anyway..

I still don't really know what this all means, in the sense that, I understand where he's coming from, but I don't know where that leaves us. Basically, I think he needs time to figure out his feelings and what they actually mean and how we fit into the larger scheme of things. Yes, I know this sounds really terrible and bad, and if you're one of my girlfriends, you'd probably start frowning and thinking.. "What an idiot". But in all honesty, I think it's a good thing as well, to think about where all this leads to.

It's not that we don't feel the same way for each other, but I think it's cause being boyfriend and girlfriend now means something a lot more to the both of us than it did, or than what society defines it to be. In his words, it's like "pre-engagement" and that in itself is a very loaded label and that's why I think it's legitimate for him to want to take a step back and see where all these leads to. (no, I'm not finding excuses to justify him, I honestly do think the same way too)

Anyway.. I'd be lying if I told you that I am perfectly fine and every thing's alright. No. I'm not. It does hurt that bit and it does sting.. But right now, I don't really know what to do and what not to do. It baffles me at times, relationships.. it's either I'm really bad at them, be it me being too nice or not playing by the rules of the "game", or it's just that I somehow, pick the wrong guys. As of now, he isn't the wrong guy, but at the same time, he hasn't proven himself to be the right one either.. SO.. perhaps.. the Neutral guy?! I don't know.

I don't know how my complex and mechanism will work.. I don't know whether I'll start blocking him out and shutting down my feelings for him bit by bit.. I really don't know if it would happen, but if it does unknowingly, then I really don't know what I should do, simply cause... When I shut my feelings down for a person completely, it's almost near impossible for me to ever feel the same way for that person again.. and I honestly don't know if it would ever get to that stage.

These situations are a tad frustrating and seriously.... I don't know why I'm always caught in them. Can't, for once, there be a guy who KNOWS exactly how he's feeling?!

Just wishing for that something more

I've had a lot on my mind lately, things that have been discussed during Bible study and cell group, about relationships and sex, and prayer and God's word respectively. I've had new insights to God's word, it's like Him using these avenues to speak to me so that I will learn and draw close to Him. I cannot be more blessed and thankful that He has so freely given me His forgiveness and love.. That I am justified before Him, at one with Him.

Well.. I think this post is going to be a "rant".. Cause I have to be honest, being in a relationship isn't easy for me, it takes a lot of getting used to, trying to understand what works for him and what doesn't. Sometimes it's so much easier to be going solo, simply cause you don't have to think from someone else's perspective, but at the same time, it is such a blessing being able to as well. Some might think it'd be easier since this isn't exactly my first relationship, but it's weird that somehow, it feels like it is. There are many things that I need to make sense of and feelings that I have to figure simply cause they just seem so foreign to me.

Sometimes I wish I knew just exactly what to do.. Sometimes I know it's my insecurities that consume me but it's also because of that, that I really have no idea what to do. Can I expect him to do this and that, is it right for me to expect certain things from him? At times I wish he were more sensitive, but at the same time, that's what makes him him, and what I adore as well.. I don't really know if it's just me, but I really hate feeling like I don't matter.. I'm afraid to give someone priority when all I am is an option to him, or a time/space filler. I don't know if he thinks this way, maybe he doesn't, but it sucks feeling this way.

Maybe it's cause we're still new and still figuring what works.. or maybe.. just maybe.. it won't. I don't know. I can't always be the one taking the initiative, it can't and won't work if we're on a different page of this relationship. Perhaps I'm taking it more seriously than I should, or maybe I shouldn't even try, or maybe I should be, or rather, try to be mean and in Cuzzie's words.. a challenge.. But that's just simply not who I am.. I love very freely and willingly, hoping that my special someone will appreciate the fact that I'm not being a challenge on purpose, the fact that I give him my heart uninhibitedly, but at the same time, I still do yearn and crave to feel like I'm being pursued and that I matter.

He is an amazing guy, that I can say without a doubt and I know I love him more today than I did yesterday, I know I've fallen for him, I know God made provisions in my heart for me to love him, but it's exactly for this same reason that I fear, that I'm insecure, simply cause I'm vulnerable. I honestly don't know what to do except to pray.. and to hope that God will teach him in His time.. or perhaps I'm just blindly wishing for something more.

40 Hour Famine

40 Hour famine was AWESOME!

Yes, I gave up food for 40 hours, not really a very long time compared to the many who die of starvation, but it was above all else, a very humbling experience. Trying to raise funds and ask for donations, and just experiencing what it feels like not having what we often take for granted, something that is merely a need for us, but a luxury for so many hungry kids.

I may not be able to do much as a person, yes, I can raise funds, I can help the occasional kid.. But what ever and however small a difference I make, let it glorify God. I really hope people can experience God's unconditional! =) I'm really blessed to have what I have in such abundance and I do Thank God for all the family and friends that have supported me through the 40 hour famine and stood by me through the many moments in my life! Life won't have been the same without them!

Above and beyond expectations

I'm endeavoring to write 10 minute blog posts, judging from how much I love to write and what I have to say, I think it's going to be quite hard to achieve. So much has been happening of late and a lot more will be happening!!! 40 Hour Famine this weekend is something I'm looking forward to, it's my first time doing it and I'm hoping it won't be the last.

Apart from that, this semester has been hectic, even though I don't have as many contact hours, the amount of work and depth has just doubled! I'm not complaining though, I love what I'm learning and doing! =)

God has indeed been faithful and gracious. When I first came to Perth and started school, everything felt quite surreal, even after a couple of months into uni. Just when I thought "Could life get any better than this!", God gave me something more, or rather, someone more. He blessed my life with a gift that is above and beyond my expectations, someone I would not have even dreamt of meeting. Some may call our acquaintance "a coincidence", but I call it "the Author's work".

Ever since I gave Him the pen of my life, to chart my life and to write my love story, He, the Author of the Universe, tore my old pages and started afresh.. In His story, He built my character, my understanding, added on to my wisdom and crafted family, friends, teachers and mentors to shape my life and add moments to it. He waited and wrote, guiding, molding, teaching and guarding me.. Through the years, He gave me an understanding for His word and for His purposes, showed me the true meaning of love and loved me, so that I can love again.

When the time was right, He brought a special someone into my life. Someone atypical. He made me understand what it truly meant by not matching God's perfections to mine and not imagining what would be best for me, because what He had installed for me was way beyond my humanly expectations, someone I won't have even dared imagine being with. So yes.. Life can get better than this when it is in accordance to God.

This feels like a first for me, the first time I'm in a relationship with God's understanding, the first time I'm in a relationship where God is in charge and most of all, the first time I'm in a relationship with someone who's my best friend. I don't deny that at times I'm afraid and confused, simply cause this is so different, because I'm not in control and that, can make me feel vulnerable. At times I don't know what to do and feel awkward simply cause I don't really know what to expect and how to react.. I'm like a baby learning how to walk.. I've got to first stumble my way along, before knowing how to walk the walk. But I know no matter how many times I stumble and fall, He will be there to catch me. I'm stepping into this relationship in faith and with faith, I know He will guard my heart and I do know that he will guard it too.

For my special someone, if at times I act funny, give you a hard time because I'm confused or even boggle your mind with my eccentricities, bear with me. I can guarantee that at times you'll not understand my mood-swings and I'll get on your nerves for the nitty gritty, I won't be able to comprehend why it takes you so long to reply a message, why you haven't checked on me or even for the most bizarre reason.. like you not being able to read my mind! At times you'll go.. Girls are so complicated and hard to understand.. These, I guarantee, will happen.. But what I can also guarantee is that no matter how mundane our dates get, or how hectic life is, I'll be happy that they're spent with you. I promise to not only love you for your good moments, but love you even more for your flaws, appreciate them and love them simply because they are a part of you. And even though you think that you may not be the most dashing guy on earth, and even if you think the world thinks that of you, I promise, if you could see the world through my eyes, you'd realise, no one can even come close to comparing with you. You're a precious gift from God that I hold close to my heart and God's gifts are nothing short of perfect.. Thank you for coming into my life and first being my friend, my best friend and my special someone.

the Complexity of Relationships

4 weeks. 28 days. 672 hours. 40320 minutes. 2419200 seconds.

That's the amount of time I'm supposed to be back for, but it just flew by.. In exactly 7 days, this time, I'd be in Perth, in room 149 of Upper Prescott. Come to think of it, it's really scary, the thought that 5 years is just going to fly by. It feels like a pretty long time, but soon enough, it'll be convocation again, this time, I hope, with (hons).

The holiday back home is really a good time to catch up, with family, friends and most importantly sleep. At least, I know I'm paying off the interest of my sleep debt. On top of all that, I had many interesting conversations with my aunts and friends. You know you've moved on to the next phase in life when conversations revolve around life plans, investments, weddings and more significantly, electrical appliances. =) But I had a discussion with my aunts the other day, we were just talking about why women of today are getting married later or rather, not getting married at all and why divorce rates are on the rise.

I get common reasons like, women no long need to rely on men to bring home the bacon, women are more career driven, women no longer need to put up with men and so on. I do not deny that women empowerment has given women a place in the workforce, allowing them to provide for themselves, especially in Singapore, to contribute as much to the family, financially, as men. This may be one of the reasons why women aren't afraid to live without a man, but honestly, I don't think it is the reason to why women look for divorce as solutions.

If we break it down to the basics, women fundamentally are made to be more nurturing and in a Christian relationship and household, women hold the family together, they are the caretakers. I am appalled at times that some women don't take up this role as willingly as others would, but in all honesty, being financially independent is not the reason why women turn to divorce.

Society looks to the change in a woman's status and matches it to the divorce rates but we have yet to look at the role of a male, and how it has, as well, changed over the years. Men were the providers of the family in the past, they were the sole breadwinners, but one thing men of the past did, was to take responsibility. They were, MEN.

Honestly, in my opinion, it's not that hard for a marriage or a relationship to workout, yes, it requires effort and work, but if you stick to the fundamental principles, it honestly isn't rocket science.

For women to respect their husbands, likewise, men are to take up the responsibility of the household and carry themselves in a way that is respectable, simply, if you want to be respected, you've got to behave in a way that deserves it. Fidelity, loyalty, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, love and most importantly, forbearance with love.

The thing about society today is that the practice of these qualities are near non-existent in the lives of many. Like every thing else, it requires effort and practice, right from the beginning. For men to respect women, and husbands to practice all of the above values, it starts not from the time you say "I do", but way before. Keeping yourself pure for your precious bride and learning to love her even before knowing her. Women aren't complex creatures, we ultimately just want our spouse to love us just the way we are, to love us like no other person would and to love with security. If a guy keeps himself pure and behaves in a respectable chivalrous manner, his wife would definitely feel reassured and things like these build up respect.

Well, the complexities of society and how it has changed and morphed male and female familial roles may seem complicated, yet to me, there's such a simple, effortless solution, or rather, way of living.. That is to live in accordance to God's word and living by His word and building a relationship/family that is God centered. When we do that, it is not hard nor impossible nor unimaginable for us to have a strong and fruitful relationship.

This is again, another one of my random blabbering moments. On a less serious note, I got a message this morning that made my day, a message that once again, plastered a huge smile in my heart. It's a bitter feeling to leave home for Perth, it definitely is, but there is this special someone that I'm looking forward to meet. A special someone that I haven't seen for what seems to be eternity. There isn't a single day that goes by through this holiday that I don't think of him and miss him. Don't ask me why, cause I don't know either, why this special someone has found his way and place in my heart so fast and so effortlessly.. It usually doesn't happen this way, but I suppose when I let God take control, HE plants feelings in me that I never knew I had.

So to my special someone, (I don't know if you actually read my blog, but if you do..) Thank you for making my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.. I can't wait to see you soon!

Of Sermons, Life lessons and Happy notes!

It's been an awesome two weeks home, meeting up with friends and especially being able to go to Grace and attend cell, it's something so precious to me, something that can't be replicated anywhere else. The love and the sisterhood/brotherhood, is something that warms my heart so much, I've found my place in this spiritual family and I'm learning to love them the way that would please our Father.

I loved the sermons that were delivered by Ps. Wilfred Leow, last week he talked about The Anointed Church. There are basically two points which he talked about,

1. Christ indwelling in your hearts

2. A love manifesting Church

Basically, what he talked about was that these two points work in sequence, you have to first have the presence of Christ in the heart, having Christ's personality influencing and pervading our entire being, understanding, personhood and personality, because anointing only comes when you are full of Christ, only then, can you be full of God. For Christ to dwell in your heart, you should come before the Lord in prayer, asking Him to strengthen you with power through the Holy spirit, letting the Holy spirit work in you, praying for the innerwalk and inner life. Only with these can we have Love manifesting.

Love of Christ is something that is not just an experience or an encounter with Him, but it also means experiencing God's love from the people, through their deeds. It is a tangible form of love and it is essential to form a community of love, love of a brethren!

Following last week's sermon, this week, Ps. Leow spoke of the four qualities to live with unity, these really REALLY spoke to me!

1. Humility: Speaking with humility

2. Gentleness: Meekness, strength under control, returning unkindness with kindness

3. Patience: Long suffering attitude towards others

4. Forbearance in Love

The combination of these for qualities, or rather, the practice of them is key to living in unity, not just in the Church, but in the household, it is the fundamental way to treat your children, siblings, spouse, parents, in-laws... It is about preserving the unity of the spirit in the home and with that, the building of God's Church. What I love most is the fourth point, Forbearance in love, it is not just about patience and it goes beyond tolerance, but loving and accepting, there is no need to consciously tolerate a person when you learn to love him/her. It is the way to release your soul to love as God loves.

What a powerful phrase indeed. To love as God Loves. To aspire to be Christ like, to see the world through His eyes. The message is something that is very close to my heart, as I've talked about it in my previous post about the book, When God writes your love story. These four qualities sum up the handbook for effective relationships!

It was a good reminder for me and I believe for many young adults and teens, to respect our parents, our partners and to love them the way God loves us. It often is easy to be polite and nice to strangers and people who don't matter to you, but we are the harshest when it comes to our family and that shouldn't be the case! Your family should be the people you love the most, if we treat an ordinary stranger with much courtesy and kindness, shouldn't we show twice or even thrice the love, courtesy and kindness to our loved ones. I know sometimes it is easier said than done, I do at times struggle with that too, but it's something that I'm making a conscious effort to change and work on!

On a lighter and happier note, I've told my mom about him and us. It's something that I was really apprehensive about, simply cause I don't really know how my mom will react to it, but Praise the Lord that He led me through it and He spoke! Mom, being moms had so many questions but she said something that took me by surprise while I was telling her more about him.. She said, "I can see that you really like him a lot". I didn't know I gave it away!!!! I'm pretty sure I was trying to maintain as straight a face as I can and not have that girlie gush, but I suppose that's why she's my mom eh!

This holiday apart is quite a timely one, for one, I'm more sure and certain about my feelings, but I'm just going to wait on the Lord and let the Lord prompt him in His time. =D For now, I'm going to just keep praying for us to grow in the Lord and in His will. God Is Good!

Thoughts when I'm back home

Home is where the heart is.

I never truly grasped that idea only until recently.. Don't get me wrong, I do love Singapore and love my folks here even more. Before I left for Perth in feb, it never did cross my mind that I'd actually miss Perth, THIS MUCH. Perhaps I never thought I'd be able to truly "belong", to find my place in Perth, but due to a twist of events, and an act of nature, I fit right in place.

At St Catherine's, I've made friends with some of THE most amazing girls, girls that I consider my family. I suppose the college environment just fuels the bond, seeing each other every single day through our good moments and bad, be it our "just out of bed, messy hair and PJ's look" or our glamed up and dolled up dinner looks, or our exam stress induced insanity or the regular emo moments.. These bring us together, like a family, we love each other for just how we are, through bad times and good, and more aptly, through laughter and through tears (which I think I contribute a lot to).

I have these girls to thank, for giving me a family that I will look forward to returning to.

I suppose that's the blessing of Perth and a blessing that God has given me so abundantly. The friendships in college and out of have enriched my life. The folks I meet in class, especially my colleagues from Sg in dental school with me, my church-mates, my new found Christian union friends and of course a special someone. They've formed a circle of support around me and I'm just really glad and blessed to be able to not only do what I love to do, but find a group of friends that I love and will grow to love. As of now, I'll miss my girls to bits and of course, that special someone. =D

Random exam thoughts

Exam Stress.. Being the all optimistic me, I love exams, I love exam stress, cause that means I care enough to be stressed. BUT BUT BUT.. I've got MGC in exactly 12 hours, thing is, the whole unit is based on what I've done in my previous degree. (MGC being Molecules, Genes and Cells). Yes.. THAT again girls, to think I'm actually using my Albert's more this time than I did in NUS. Anyway.. Here's the problem, because I kind of know everything, so every thing's so familiar, that I don't know what I need to know, or rather, don't know what I don't know. And it's just so exasperating!!!!!! ARGH!!!!

Things are Familiar yet so unfamiliar?! Right now.. At this point in time, I would love to have someone give me a huge hug and tell me it'll all be okay. Yes. I think it has become a habit that I give someone a hug before an exam, like how we used to before our papers in NUS.. How I miss those days.. and yes.. it doesn't help AT ALL that, for some reason, I'm missing someone to bits. It TOTALLY doesn't make ANY sense AT ALL! SAVE ME!!!!!!!!

It's been a long time

It's been such a long time.. A long time since I've felt this way.

It been a long time since I actually enjoyed studying, not just enjoying it, but Loving it. (apart from the non-dental stuff) You know how when you go to class and you just understand what's going on, you know exactly what your lecturer is talking about! That's how it is for me here, I love what I'm studying! I enjoy it and it excites me going to school and learning all that I need to.

And it is because of this love, passion and excitement that it sucks so much leaving an exam feeling that I have just stuffed up. That disappointment was just so intense. I know the paper was just 20% of my final grade and I know I can and will do whatever I can for the next semester to make sure I make up for this. But.. that disappointment that I didn't do as well as I wanted to. I won't really mind if someone else was disappointed at me (family aside), but when I feel disappointed at myself.. That feeling.. can't be described. As hard as I tried, I couldn't smile..

It's been such a long time since I've felt so alive about my books, about my subjects, about my units.. It's been a long time since I felt so much joy and at the same time, it's been a long time since I felt such disappointment.

On a lighter note, much lighter and happier note, it's also been a long time since I felt my heart skip a beat, a long time since someone can put such a huge smile on my face.. I don't know what's going to happen after the holidays, I'm leaving it up to God to lead... But right now, I'm glad he's in my life. For one, at least I know I'm not the only weird person on earth with un-norm preferences. Apart from San churro's and the awesome chocolate, I know it was just his presence that was so comforting. Tu me manques.

Mid Exam stress

In the middle of my exams right now.. I really am excited about the exams, no sarcasm intended, it's the kind of feeling that goes.. This is what I've been waiting for.. and then.. what happens is that you go for one exam, loving half the paper and feeling like you've been treated like a fool for the other half and the second one, you go in confident that you've practiced enough and you leave feeling.. "I hope I pass".

Yes.. I'm exasperated and it doesn't help that I'm feeling this way. I used to think I'm really good at compartmentalising my feelings, well.. I still think so, but I'm going to add a "to a certain extent" behind it. When it's your heart that's doing the missing.. there's no way to compartmentalise! Compartmentalisation works, at least for me, in my head.

Messing with my own head

How is it.. ever Ever EVER feasibly possible to already be thinking of someone when you've just met him a couple of hours back?!?!

I have such a love hate relationship with myself at this point in time.

My thoughts on a not so random day..

There are few rare occasions where I actually blog about my day, week or an event.. I don't know where to start.. and I hope.. I never have to end. If happy moments and days were to be documented and blogged, then I probably would have to every single day of the past few weeks.

I don't know if this is it, but I pray for God to lead in this, I've given Him all authority over my life.. and He has been gracious and good.

People have been telling me that I'm smiling myself silly and I can't argue that.. I can barely put my feelings into words, or rather, the feeling's indescribable. =) To the person who has been making me smile the way I have and making my heart beat the way it does.. Thank you, thank you for coming into my life and blessing it. You've been a God sent. =)

Family - The way to love

When God writes your love story..



It's a book that has touched my heart on many counts, it has changed my thoughts on dating and marriage. Practising faithfulness for my future husband, keeping myself physically, emotionally and spiritually pure for him. These are things that I got out of the book. As I reach the last few chapters of the book, I am again, blown away by new insights.



Family.



It's not just about how your family plays a part in your decision on choosing the right one, and not about how your future spouse interacts with them. It is the notion that the way you treat your family will be the exact same way you treat your spouse.



I have to be honest here, I'm no saint. I find it a lot harder to be gracious to my family when they make a mistake than it is to others and even to strangers. Possibly cause I tend to expect more from them and expecting them to be near perfect, while others, I have not much concern for. Yes. I think everyone has this problem, we might be a bit more short fused with our parents, brothers and sisters yet, when we're with strangers and friends, we're more tolerant.



That's where I got an "aha" moment. Your spouse will be a part of your family and you will inherently treat them the same way you treat your family, because behaviour comes with practice.

Given the fact that all loving and lasting relationships are built upon the foundations of God's word, tenderness, tolerance, forgiveness and love, shouldn't we start loving our family, people closest to us, the same way we would love our spouse.

As I write this post, I too am struggling to keep up with these new insights, keeping my heart for the man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with isn't the easiest thing. Especially when it's a guy that tugs at my heartstrings that I didn't even know exist, it's easy to fall into the whole wave of emotions, but trusting and leaving it up to God and His time, would be the best way to have a perfect picture in the end. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy.. Not easy at all, but we have to keep faith that the Lord knows best and to know that it will be perfect in His time, because the sweeter song and the beautiful side of love is written by Him and in His time, the one who created love will script the most romantic love story when we allow Him to.

The Commitment of Love and Purity

I'm endeavouring to finish When God writes your love story, not that it's not enjoyable, just that I haven't had the time to really sit and read. I'm halfway through it and I've had more "aha" moments than when watching all the episodes of Oprah put together. (yes, I watch Oprah) Last I wrote about the book, it was about the Beautiful side of love, about the Sweeter Song. This time, it's about the purity, both emotional and physical purity.

Purity has been something my friend and I discuss a lot about, don't get me wrong, it's not that both of us have differing views on it, it's just that we have had so many encounters with people who just don't understand the essence of purity, the reason for purity and the need for it. I feel for the people who do not understand the need for it simply because they will never understand the true essence and beauty of love, or experience the love that has been created and planned for us, by Him.

My cousin once told me, that among all of us, I'm the only one who dreams of a white picket fence and she told me not to have such high hopes for it, I understand where she is coming from, but honestly, I just feel that it is because she doesn't understand the concept of true love. Yes, people have called me idealistic for wanting that white picket fence, questioning that domestic side of me and questioning my "submission" to men, I thank God that I have never wavered in my stand and chose to hold true to my beliefs. My only explanation for their confusion, is cause they have yet to experience God and see love from His eyes.

Secular love has called out to many, in fact, it is the most fashionable kind of love to have and be in. This sort of love by my definition is shallow and is based mainly on physical attraction, the fear of loneliness and the spontaneity of the endocrine. The yearning for this sort of love is like a slippery slope, it never ends, you find emotional food and satisfaction from one person, pour out your emotions to him/her and when it all ends, when the "spark" is gone and chemistry doused, what is left is a deeper pit of emotional emptiness and the vicious cycle continues. I am no stranger to this yearning of companionship, I do struggle against this, and have once fallen in "love" and out of, felt that pain of your heart being mashed to pieces and the emptiness that follows. Luckily for me, or rather, I thank God that He led me out of it and I was spared falling into that bottomless pit of "love".

Being with someone should not be about him/her making you feel whole nor about them filling that void and loneliness. You should already be whole when entering the relationship, that void in your heart should have already been filled, as a Christian, your heart should be whole and full with the Love of God. That loneliness you have should be filled with a closer walk with God and not a closer walk with a person you're attracted to, because that walk is just simply temporal until you understand the true meaning of love. How can you love someone when you can't even love the person who made you, who created you?

What then is Love, you may ask.. I truly have no concrete answer, or rather, am not wise enough to give one, but at this point, I can only share with you love that I understand. Godly love, above all else, is love that is essential to me, it is what keeps me whole and fills me with such joy and contentment. It is this gift of Love for me that I can love others, forgive them and love people who do evil unto me. It is God's love that marks me, His love for me, so much so, that He gave His son as a living sacrifice for me. Honestly, I do not deny that at times, it is a struggle for me to exhibit this kind of Godly love to people, because they do get on my nerves too, but I try to remind myself, that it is this group of people that needs and lacks God's love.

Love between people, isn't just about attraction or a bunch of hormonal reactions, it's more than just that. Love between friends and that special someone, is a commitment. It is a commitment to actively love someone above all else. If love is based upon "chemistry" and "feelings" then it is love that cannot last, but if it is a promise to love someone with all your heart, to love them through all circumstances, it will be tough, that I can guarantee, but it will be the most rewarding and lasting form of love, one that conquers and commits.

It brings me to the issue of purity. We cannot deny that there is a social epidemic of immorality, the apathy and indifference to purity and at times, the mockery of it. We have become a generation that jokes and talks about sexual relationships and adventures without any sense of shame nor guilt. There are many out there who think that it's alright, life is short and many who just jump into the bandwagon thinking, if everyone is doing it, why can't I? Why keep myself pure when I can't even be sure if the person I'm keeping it for is doing the same? It is, of course, a valid question. But I know and have faith that if God has planned marriage for you and have planned for you to meet that right one He has for you, then I am very sure and certain, that this very person is keeping himself for you too, because He too, would have a fervour for God.

It starts with us, with us as individuals, to have that integrity and commitment to purity. If immorality started with just a few and then snowballing to what it is now, then I believe, it would also take us, as individuals, to influence the rest, the people around us, about the importance of purity. Keeping yourself for that one special person, males and females alike. I have many male friends and believe me, all of them, want to marry a girl that is pure and chaste. For the few guys who actually read this, if that's what you hope for in a girl, you can be sure that she expects that of you too!

Physical purity is just one aspect of purity, there is too, the emotional aspect of it. Not giving your heart to people who don't deserve it, because when you do and when they break it, part of you "dies" away. At the end of the day, when you marry that one person, when you find that one special person you want to live with for the rest of your life, all that is left is a heart that has been broken and patched and full of cracks. You can't Love wholeheartedly when you don't have a heart that is whole.

The shadows of past relationships and the heartaches will impede your love for that special person, you will naturally put up barriers when you've been hurt one too many times, you won't be able to love the person with all your heart, because you can only love him/her with what is left of it.

Some of you will go.. it's sort of too late, have been there, done that. But it is never too late. Letting God come into your life and take charge, letting Him heal your heart as you await His right one, allowing Him to teach you Love and letting Him show you how to love, these will change you. As you yearn to please Him, He will guide you and it won't be easy, but as long as you have the fervour for the Lord, you will get there. If you aren't Christian, it doesn't mean you let your life go and self destruct, because if you are in search of love and have yet to find it, then I really do hope the above sharing spoke to you.

I have made my commitment to God and to that special someone, though I've not met him, to keep my heart and myself for him, until He tells me that that's the one. Have you?

Just ranting!

Sometimes I just can't seem to understand why some people are just so SO self centered?!? I understand, I do, that sometimes it can get quite noisy along the corridors when girls gather to catch up and chit chat, but that's part of the college experience, what more, it's a girl's college, there's bound to be talking!

I won't mind the polite, "hey guys, i'm heading to bed, mind if you keep it down", or the "hey.. it's a tad too loud girls". That I totally understand, cause we can be a bit too rowdy! But to tell us to keep completely quiet and silent and not to talk at all?! Honestly! Or rather, not to talk along corridors because it isn't a common area.

There are two things that is wrong with that, 1. if the corridor isn't a common area, then where is?! It doesn't belong to anyone in particular or is a part of any one's room.. so that, by definition, is common area. and 2. If everyone on the same floor is alright with the noise and YOU are the only one that DOESN'T socialise, then the problem, obviously, lies with YOU!

Honestly, why can't some people just see that.. or self reflect, or ask why they aren't part of the conversation, why people shun them? This is after all college, we come from different cultures and countries, this is the time to know more and to network and to just forge bonds.

Can't they just understand that?

The knock on my door

I never knew how fast God works until today. It was just the day before that I prayed, and yesterday, just yesterday, He answered.

He started by knocking on a door, one that I was, honestly, quite reluctant to open. Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't want to lose the feeling and the dependence, but He said to me, "you have to let Me come in and occupy this space, you don't need anything else in here but Me"! The moment I gave up, the moment I stopped struggling against His voice, I felt at peace and at ease. I felt that surge of courage to move on and to let my lil burden go.

It may sound cliche, but I think I found the spring in my step! =) God is Good!

The Beautiful Side of Love

The beautiful side of love. This was a phrase that stuck with me when I flipped through the first few chapters of When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric & Leslie Ludy, I believe it's a book that's going to make my tears roll, simply cause it already did. Somehow, I feel the writers, maybe cause I've been in similar situations and circumstances or maybe cause that's how I'm feeling. But I feel that this is the season.. The season where I give God the pen of my life and let HIM write, not only my life, but my love story and I know, it'd be more than beautiful, more than amazing.

There are times, I don't deny, that I ask God why, why it's taking me so long to find the right one, why those around me just don't seem right. Was it that hard?

But this morning, as I sat down and read the book, it just clicked.. It's taking so long for me to find the "right" one cause I have been looking for what I think was right and not what God thinks is right. That's why no one seems to fit. So right now, I give up searching for the "right" one, and let Him put His right choice in my life. He has everything planned out for me and I'm sure He'd find someone for me.

I'm waiting for His side of love to reveal, it has never been the right season before this, I wasn't ready, not because I wasn't emotionally available, but cause my "right" wasn't HIS right. Now that I know, I'm keeping my heart for that one person God has prepared for me and as much as people think that when you put God in the equation of a relationship, it gets boring, I'd beg to differ. God puts the Love in the relationship, He puts the right hue and tone to it, He'd paint a better picture and logically speaking, HE is the creator of LOVE and if there's someone who know the handbook of love best, it's gotta be HIM!

Right now, I know my heart is at peace and ready for Him to put the Right one in my life, cause the Beautiful side of love.. Is seen through His eyes.

A Special Boy

I just got home on friday, I'm not being figurative here, I really mean HOME! =) I was beaming like a kid when I got off the plane, saw my dad, soaked in the humidity, breathed in the Singapore air, *choked*, fell in love with my room, cried with my mom, hugged my lil boy and love my room even more. Yes. For a moment, I wasn't used to so much space! But that aside.. I want to dedicate this post to a special someone in my life, (no dears.. don't think too much, it's not what you think). But it is, however, about a special boy, someone who means a lot to me, someone I believe God has blessed me with. I know I rarely blog about my friends or people in general, but I do want to share him, as much as I can, with you, because he is such an Angel.



It hasn't been long, I know, barely even ten weeks, not even two months that I know him, but I have made this boy a part of my life, I have given him a special place in my heart. If you need to make a comparison, he's like Brendon, someone I love to bits, only difference is, Brendon's my older brother and him, my little one. And I'm just Blessed to have him in my life.



There's a quote that goes along the lines of "When God made you, He had Angels in mind" and I believe it is so for him. His name is Matthew, my lil brother, my dido.



Here's the hard part.. where or how do I even begin telling you about him?



Well.. Questions would be a good start..

Have you ever met someone for the first time, and instantly knew, that this guy or girl was a keeper, was someone whom you can keep close to your heart?


Have you ever met someone for the first time and knew right there and then, that this was a rare, gentle and shy soul?

Have you ever met someone who could see right through you and read your thoughts without you saying a thing?


Have you met someone who would so generously let you into his life and let you be a part of it?

Have you met someone who puts your safety as a priority and worries about you like family would?


Have you met someone who you know you can trust so implicitly and be so comfortable with that all the world's problems just seem to dissolve away?

Have you met someone who'd love you just the way you are and not asking for anything in return?

Have you met a guy whose soul and spirit is so sincere, so pure and so true that you know God is telling you to take care of him and guide him?

Have you met someone just for a short period of time and know that He is an angel that God has sent into your life?

I have.

That's him, that's Matt.

He's someone I know I can turn to, no matter what the circumstance, someone I know who will be there to walk with me, come what may. He was there with me through the hail storm, as afraid and "freaked" out as I was, I felt safe simply cause I knew God had sent an Angel to protect me through it. Through the whole college room fiasco, he was there to give me the support that I needed, to catch the tears when it fell and to catch me when I fell.. because I'd have crumpled under the whole emotional roller coaster. He has filled my life with so much laughter, so many smiles, he has been so generous with his friendship, kinship and love that I can't be more thankful and grateful.

If I ever need to define the phrase, "unconditional love", he'd be part of my definition.

Yes, this is my dido and as I read this new book, The Wednesday Letters by Jason F. Wright, I chance upon a poem that is so apt and I'm going to dedicate this poem to him..

The Fifth Season

With each spring comes new life,

energy and green growth.

In summer comes the sun, warm, kind,

and endearing.

Fall brings its colour in careful,

gentle change.

Winter brews into faithful strength,

beauty in pure white.

And then comes you.

You are all that Nature offers,

a blessing, a gift from Father.

You are the fifth season.

Because that's what he is, that's what you are dido.. A blessing and a gift from Father.

God is Good!

Time seems to be moving faster than I can catch it. I've been in Perth for about 6 weeks and it's been a ride, a good awesome one, of course. I've met new people, made new friends, stepped out of my comfort zone, ran right back in. Challenged myself, pushed myself, questioned myself. I've cried, I've laughed, cried even more and laughed even harder. But all in all, I've been awesome. Or rather, God has been AMAZINGLY AWESOME! I can't say this more.

How's uni? To be honest, the campus isn't as High-tech as NUS's, neither is it bigger, in fact, it's really tiny, probably the size of two of our faculties put together, but then again, it's not that bad. =) I am totally enjoying my classes to bits, I Love LOVE LOVE LOVE dentistry to Bits! I know I totally am in this for the right reasons! =) and even when I'm studying the molecular biology stuff now, I am enjoying it, the mentality is very different from how it was in NUS. I reckon it is cause I know I'm doing this for a greater purpose and purely out of love!

I've submitted my drawings and plasticine tooth for marking, I don't really know how I'll perform for my first assignment, I'm actually quite excited to know how I did and for the other stuff that is coming up!

Will blog more when I actually have time to! =) But here are pictures of my master pieces, enjoy!

Here's my plasticine tooth model, the one on the right is the plaster tooth that we were supposed to copy, so the one on the left is moulded by.. Yours truly!

And here's probably the nicest thing I've ever, EVER drawn in my life. the Right Mandibular Molar and its five aspects. =) Hope I do well enough!

My first class!

It's been a long time since I actually blogged! I didn't really have the time to sit down and type something. Well, OZ has been great, but more importantly, God has been even better! He has given and provided for me so abundantly that it is beyond imagination, the kind of grace I'm receiving. It is indeed overwhelming!

Well.. I had my first dentistry class yesterday and my first op-tech today. It's awesome! I feel so empowered and recharged just studying it and to be honest, I feel really blessed being able to sit with the dental class. This is why I'm here and what I'm here for, I'm even more sure than ever that this is exactly what I wanna do and would love doing for the rest of my life. Honestly, I've never been so excited about class and just familiarising myself with the tools and the drills just made me SOOOOOO HAPPY! You cannot imagine, I was beaming like a kid! Serious.

Above all that, I know I'm here with the love and support of all my family and friends, I feel so privileged. I don't know what I'd do without them. Time to study now!

Giving things that matter priority

Feeling a bit emo of late, probably cause the "I'm leaving soon" feeling is really kicking in! But I've been very drawn to a particular piece of literature from Mitch Albom's Have a Little Faith. I felt my heartstrings tug when I read it.

Here is what it read.. pg93, Have a Little Faith - Mitch Albom

From a Sermon by the Reb, 1975

"A man seeks employment on a farm. He hands his letter of recommendation to his new employer. It reads simply, 'He sleeps in a storm.'

"The owner is desperate for help, so he hires the man

"Several weeks pass, and suddenly, in middle of the night, a powerful storm rips through the valley.

"Awakened by the swirling rain and howling wind, the owner leaps out of bed. He calls for his new hired hand, but the man is sleeping soundly.

"So he dashes off to the barn. He sees, to his amazement, that the animals are secure with plenty of feed.

"He runs out to the field. He sees the bales of wheat have been bound and are wrapped in tarpaulins.

"He races to the silo. The doors are latched, and the grain is dry.

"And then he understands. 'He sleeps in a storm.'

"My friends, if we tend to the things that are important in life, if we are right with those we love and behave in line with our faith, our lives will not be cursed with the aching throb of unfulfilled business. Our worlds will always be sincere, our embraces will be tight. We will never wallow in the agony of 'I could have, I should have.' We can sleep in a storm.

"And when it's time, our good-byes will be complete."

This isn't just simply about living your life to the fullest, it is about giving things that matter in life priority, it is about seeing the bigger picture in life and letting the small things that bug you go. It is about consistency, about discipline and about hard work, reaping what you sow. I think this message can be applied to many aspects of a person's life, especially at this point in my life, where I'm going to pursue something I desire so dearly and feel so passionate for.

This serves as a reminder to me, to keep my focus and to understand that no matter how emo or how "I don't want to go" I feel, I have to. Simply because God has called me for my duties and I have to give Him my very best because He deserves nothing less than that in His service. I feel a lot more at ease now that I've got my focus right. I will not focus on the emotional emptiness that I may feel when I'm there, but the overwhelming grace that I AM there. I will not see it as if I'm leaving, but I'm returning in a few months time.

With this new perspective on things, giving things that matter priority so that life will be without regrets, I am sure I'd be able to conquer any mountain that is before me. No matter how long the journey, I will carry on and persevere because I know, HE overcomes!

Beauty and the Geek

Don't judge a book by its cover. Easy to say but often hard to do.

Every single day, consciously or subconsciously, we judge. We judge people we meet, strangers along the streets and even those seated around us. We judge the way they speak, what they wear and the depth of their conversations. We judge their sincerity of speech, by listening to their tone and pitches and we judge their hypocrisy, or not, by their actions. I am guilty as charged for judging. As much as I make it a conscious effort not to, I still, in some way, sum a person up.

This is probably one of the reasons why I'm so particular about first impressions, because you don't get a second chance at that. People will remember the first time they met you and the impression you gave them, no matter how brief the acquaintance, they WILL remember.

But my question is, what's the benchmark for all the judging? Do we categorize the people we meet according to the social categories of "Geek", "Nerd", "Hot Chick", "Bimbo" and what ever else there is? Here's my take on this.. Yes. I do categorize people by the first impressions they give me but trust me, they're not based on physical benchmarks. I don't particularly fancy judging people by appearances basically cause I don't have a baseline for beauty and it's true! (my friends can testify! They have since discounted my views for hot hunks).

So you may ask me, how then do I "judge" or categorise people? Well.. Basically, I trust my gut instincts. Whether it is telling me to flee from the person or whether it tells me to get to know the person better. For now, my instincts have yet to fail me. =) I'm glad.

Above all that, I believe we shouldn't judge a person just based on looks. What's making me blog about this? Well.. I caught re-runs of Beauty and the Geek and I felt so bad for one of the contestants. The "Geeks" had a make over and were put up for auction. So there was this one particular guy, well.. let's just say he's on the heavier side, but he is a fantastically funny shy guy, with the nicest and most adorable personality and.. no surprises, he got the lowest bid!

So here's the point of this blog. Do we judge people just at face value. How thin/slim/skinny, pretty/beautiful/hot, hunky/muscular/fit, handsome/charming/good looking and well.. it goes on. Am I guilty of this? In all honesty, I think at times, I do, but that said, I do make it a conscious effort to see beyond physical appearances and attractiveness. I believe everyone was made to be beautiful and special, especially if we see it through God's eyes. If God could love us for our many imperfections, why can't we try to love others too?! Right?

Oh well.. Beauty and the Geek served as a good reminder, to see beyond the looks and stereotypes and to appreciate the person beneath all that skin deep beauty.