A Relationship Hiatus

I SHOULD be studying rather than blogging, there's just so much to know and so little time to get it all down! A lot has been happening lately, don't know if I can actually put it down in words aptly enough. Perhaps, more accurately, I'm on a relationship hiatus. No, I'm not taking a break from him because I can't balance the two, in fact, come to think of it, the only time whereby we spend time together is at Bible studies, care group and Church, and that occasional hangout. So there's not much to cut down from anyway..

I still don't really know what this all means, in the sense that, I understand where he's coming from, but I don't know where that leaves us. Basically, I think he needs time to figure out his feelings and what they actually mean and how we fit into the larger scheme of things. Yes, I know this sounds really terrible and bad, and if you're one of my girlfriends, you'd probably start frowning and thinking.. "What an idiot". But in all honesty, I think it's a good thing as well, to think about where all this leads to.

It's not that we don't feel the same way for each other, but I think it's cause being boyfriend and girlfriend now means something a lot more to the both of us than it did, or than what society defines it to be. In his words, it's like "pre-engagement" and that in itself is a very loaded label and that's why I think it's legitimate for him to want to take a step back and see where all these leads to. (no, I'm not finding excuses to justify him, I honestly do think the same way too)

Anyway.. I'd be lying if I told you that I am perfectly fine and every thing's alright. No. I'm not. It does hurt that bit and it does sting.. But right now, I don't really know what to do and what not to do. It baffles me at times, relationships.. it's either I'm really bad at them, be it me being too nice or not playing by the rules of the "game", or it's just that I somehow, pick the wrong guys. As of now, he isn't the wrong guy, but at the same time, he hasn't proven himself to be the right one either.. SO.. perhaps.. the Neutral guy?! I don't know.

I don't know how my complex and mechanism will work.. I don't know whether I'll start blocking him out and shutting down my feelings for him bit by bit.. I really don't know if it would happen, but if it does unknowingly, then I really don't know what I should do, simply cause... When I shut my feelings down for a person completely, it's almost near impossible for me to ever feel the same way for that person again.. and I honestly don't know if it would ever get to that stage.

These situations are a tad frustrating and seriously.... I don't know why I'm always caught in them. Can't, for once, there be a guy who KNOWS exactly how he's feeling?!