The Little bits of Life

These couple of days have been hectic. Assignments and disappointments make the best recipe for disaster. I officially can't get a high distinction for Operative Dentistry, it's something that I've been working so hard for during practicals and I'm blessed that I did well in that aspect, but the mid semesters were impossible, and hence my utter disgust and disappointment at myself. Well.. All hope isn't lost, though this sounds nearly IMPOSSIBLE, I still can get my HD if I get about 90% in the finals. I'm going to give it my best shot, at least I know if I don't, I've let myself down with that bit of dignity.

Apart from school work, there's a part of my head and bits of my heart that is still trying to rationalize things. I was just telling Esther that it'd be so much easier for me to give up my feelings if I can rationalize that one thing that draws me to him, only thing is, I still haven't figured what exactly that is. She told me that perhaps its Him that isn't allowing me to figure it out. I really don't know. It's really hard for someone like me, who likes answers and abhors uncertainty to be in a situation where my head says, "give up, you've rationalized this and it doesn't make any sense for you to feel this way", yet there's this little voice in my heart that says, "No no. There's something special about him that's worth the wait.".

Don't get me wrong, I'm not mulling over this day in and day out, it's just something that comes to my mind once in awhile. When I watch a chick flick, hear a sappy love song and sometimes when the girls talk about having a special someone, I still think of him. It's bizarre if you ask me, simply cause I know how I work and Jocelyn doesn't do this AT ALL. I'm more determined when it comes to my feelings, but yet, I don't know why this time, it all feels different. I know God is telling me to let Him be in control and that's what I'm doing. I'm not trying, I'm not putting in the effort..

I honestly don't know. Writing and blogging is my only way of getting my thoughts out of my system. I wish he knows how I'm feeling, I wish he could man up and tell me what I should do.. At times I really wish I could be as stone hearted as I was.. I don't know what magic or charm he had that broke my walls, cause I'm finding it really hard to build them up again.