Some things aren't so easy to figure

It's pretty amazing, come to think of it, how far (figuratively and literally) I've come. I would think leaving home to come to a foreign place would be the scariest thought on earth, yet I was eager and excited for this new journey. Perhaps me being passionately IN LOVE with Dentistry made things a lot better and smoother, but I was also really looking forward to this time of independence. Being in Perth, building my own life and my own comfort zone has been one of the best experiences in my life. That said, I have to admit though, that though I was independent, I am still very much dependent. I don't think anyone can truly be independent.. I realised just how much I had to rely on the Lord and how He has planned, perfectly, for my friends to be around me at the right time, at the right place.

Yes.. I've come so far and in a glimpse lived here for almost a year. It still seems rather surreal to me, being in dental school.. this gift still surprises me every time I think of it. I know everyday I go to school, I wonder, just how amazing this is, how thankful I am for being here. Each and everyday, I fall deeper in love with what I'm doing. For that, I'm extremely blessed.

And in just these couple of months, I've met the most amazing and diverse group of friends. From the Northern hemisphere to right down under.. How cool is that?! and within these couple of months, I've fallen in love and some what, out of, or.. have I? I don't know. This is the first time I've actually taken a relationship rather seriously, simply cause I've never realised I could feel this way for someone, just the depth of it took me by surprise.

After Desmond, I thought I could never feel the same way for a guy again, simply cause I lost faith in the gender itself. Then I met him.. A guy who doesn't fit my expectations, yet there's just something about him that grips my heart. Till now, even after so long, I still can't figure.. Perhaps I'm not supposed to.. but I reckon, once I do figure what it is exactly about him that grips me, it'd be so much easier to let all my feelings go.

I think those of you who know me well enough would know what once I set my mind to doing something, almost nothing (but God) can stop me from it. The same goes for relationships, it's not hard for me to put my head into my heart, to rationalize things and to see for myself just why things won't work, once I do, I almost immediately can move on. Yet this time, I have a list, a rather long and non-exhaustive list of the reasons why we won't work out, yet I can't rule over my heart this time.

I know at this point in time, I can't give up my lifestyle for the country, I know I won't be able to live a life that is so slow, I know I can't give up the "city" in me. I look at him and I can list things about him that would get on my nerves, how he just does not at all fit the bill.. He's not gentlemanly in his mannerisms, in the sense that he doesn't get the chair, nor the car door, nor does exude the whole "I'm here to protect you" thing.. He isn't ONE BIT sensitive to my needs, or to how I'm feeling, he's one of the least caring persons I've ever met, or rather, he just doesn't show emotion that well.. and he's not exactly the most driven guy I've met, nor one that makes me his priority.. All that would totally put me off. TOTALLY. And I've prayed, over and over again, for Him to take the feelings away, but even after all that.. My heart still feels for him. I'm exasperated, not at him but at myself.. Just why is it so hard this time?

I wish I could figure things out, I've given up trying at the moment, cause I don't think I'll ever come to a conclusion. I know HE is telling me to wait upon HIM and HIS plans.. sometimes.. just sometimes, it gets really tiring.