A good year

2011.. It's time I bid you goodbye and welcome 2012. 

You flew by so quickly, mercilessly taking away precious moments, shortening the happy moments, yet at times, seem to cruelly lengthen heart wrenching moments. You, 2011, did not disappoint, it is after all, a good year.  

This time two years ago, I was eagerly waiting to start dental school, who knew that two years later, I'd be looking forward to third year. Everyday is truly God's grace, it's truly His love that brought me to the right place, to serve Him, to serve His people and to be able to live a passion so dear. I still am that little kid that has just been told that her dreams are about to come true.. that love and that excitement of starting uni again just never ceases. 

I wish at some point of 2011, time would have stopped. Time would have stopped for me to spend time with grandma, for me to be able to cuddle up to her like old times and really just tell her how much I love her. I'm thankful I got to spend the last moments with her, but just some times, I still wish I had around. She was a woman beyond her time, she had a mind so modern, it's unbelievable and I have to say, she'd possibly be the funkiest grandma around. At least in my heart she'll always be. I would love for her to meet Sherwin, I would love for her to give me her thoughts, and most importantly, for the people I love to meet one another. 

Then again, 2011 was the start of many changes in my life. I finally mustered enough courage to do back up at church and finally learning to understand that God qualifies the called. Taking up roles I never imagined I would take up in SMA. It saw many friendships breaking down, yet the building of strength in my family in Christ. It made me realize the importance of some people, their significance in my life and the lack of in some.. It made me realize what was truly worth keeping. 

2011.. of course.. how can I forget.. saw me falling in love. After so many months, it's still so vivid in my mind. The first time I met Sherwin, how we "spoke", how we got to know each other over gym sessions and  countless nights of studying in the business school, how someone who was a stranger, slowly became a friend and now, my best friend and a man I so love. I cannot describe this feeling, for once I'm at a loss for words. 

Sherwin's influence in my life didn't just start from my diet (which was healthy, but I wasn't eating right), he influenced the way I worked out, the way I looked at myself and just became such an integral part of my life that for once, that commitment phobic brain of mine is becoming tame. 

It's because of him that I realized I've never known what it meant to miss someone. To miss someone to the point of being brought to tears at the thought of him. Because of him, I've finally found the courage to pursue a love I never dared to pursue, to go against what was "the easy way out" and to go against the expectations of others and love what my heart desired. It was because of him that I found that life in me again, to finally tell myself that I should stop living in the shadows of familial expectations and judgement, but to live for myself, for what my heart desired. He's given me the courage to believe in myself and love myself that much more. To be honest, I've never been more comfortable in my own skin as I am now. 

I have met a man whose desires are in tandem to mine. To find someone who cares for the homeless as much as I do, who feels for the unfortunate like I do, who loves and respects life as much as I do, who adores children and the companion of animals. Someone who loves to cook more than I do, who loves fitness and working out like I do, who enjoys taking photos and won't grumble having long chats with me. Someone who'd laugh at my jokes, or rather, someone who gets my humor, and someone I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. I'm rather blessed that this wonderful someone came into my life. When I wasn't searching, he came and filled my life with so much love. I am just thankful that God had willed for us to meet, for our paths to cross and for us to find so much comfort in each other's presence. I'm looking forward to the life ahead of us Sherms.. I know God has a lot installed for us and I'm blessed and thankful that we're both His children. 

2011, 2011.. you've brought with you so much tears, of joys, of sorrows and laughter. I will remember you 2011.. you've been a good year. 

Post Christmas thoughts

Jingles, lights, parties, gatherings, food and presents.. nothing truly can compare with presence. 

Christmas is a celebration of the AND. It is the celebration of the birth of Christ, that we, a long time back, were chosen to be saved because God loves us. He was born on this day with God's providence to save us. It reminds me that despite all the temptations, hardships and trials that he had to go through, Jesus stood steadfast and obeyed the Lord. 

Christmas is a reminder that the prophecy has been fulfilled, that the messiah has come, but it is also a reminder, that the second part of the prophecy has yet to be fulfilled. That Jesus will return again to judge. As much as I love presents, all I wish this christmas is for my family to know Christ, to know the Lord. 

Coming home is always bittersweet because I love my family, I love my friends and I love the fellowship that I have with everyone. Yet sometimes, the pain of seeing unfulfilled lives, seeing lives that aren't content and happy, seeing lives led by meaningless pursuits.. It pains my heart so much to know that people I care about, people I love, are leading lives pursuing goals that are transient. It pains me to see them searching for happiness yet not realising that happiness is not far from them, true joy comes with the peace from God. 

I cannot say this enough, that there is true joy, true purpose and true love when you've found that missing God shaped void in your heart. Or should I say, when He gave me His grace. 

At this moment in my life, I can only say, I am truly content, truly happy. I know this Christmas is one that made me realize many things in my life are so perfect only because He has provided for me. He has given me a wonderful family, amazing friends, beautiful friendships, a burning desire and passion for what I do and not only that, blessed my life with a man I can share it with, a man who has become by best friend. I have never missed a person so much. Perhaps, just perhaps, I'm realizing what it really means to fall in love. 

This has truly been a wonderful Christmas and I'm so so blessed and so thankful. 

ARGH!

An exam that covers TEN lectures may seem quite harmless.. But it DEPTH that it covers might as well be the WHOLE BLOODY TEXTBOOK! 

Yes.. I'm stressed. Removal Partial Dentures will probably bring me to my tipping point and perhaps thursday's LA might just push me over. I love dental school.. can't wait to be a dentist, but that's if I GRADUATE and get out of it ALIVE AND SANE. 

The content. The CONTENT is enough to drown me that I can't even have the luxury to drown in my sorrows. 

ShoutOut!

I CANNOT WAIT FOR MY GRADUATION TRIP. That is all. After so long, we're finally going for our grad trip! As much as it's not really going overseas for me, it's still going over east and THAT COUNTS! =)

Just wanted to shoutout! =)

Halfway

You know why they call halfway houses halfway houses? Cause when they step into the halfway house, it signifies that they are halfway onto the road of full recovery, apart from the fact that it sounds much better than fullway house or firststep house. 

So I'm halfway.. Halfway through my exams, (three down, three to go), halfway through the theory years of dentistry (if by God's grace I pass this year) and hence.. Halfway to reaching my dreams. =) Then I realise.. When I've reached that end, that would be another halfway for me to reaching another goal.. so technically.. I'll always be halfway somewhere. Which isn't too bad a thing if you ask me. If gives me something to look forward to. That's why I like halfway milestones. =) Yes. that optimism aside.. I am absolutely stressed. Never been more stressed in my life, not even for A's. -_-" I really wonder how I made it to NUS with the non-existent amount of studying I did for my A's.. and not to mention, how i made it OUT of NUS. This is indeed.. GOD's GRACE!

Well.. another halfway, not so much "way", but it's been six months since I've been with Sherms. So.. halfway to a year! :) I feel tremendously blessed to have met him and to have him as a part of my life. If this is what it truly means to love someone, then all I can say is that I probably never have fallen in love before. I'm not the sort that would meet a guy halfway and I'm glad that he's a guy that's willing to go the distance to find me at the end. 

Stress through my veins

It's the time of the year where I'm just feeling stressed. I feel it running through my veins and every ounce of my body is crying out. I don't think many would understand, maybe apart from my course mates, the kind of stress that we're under. or rather, the fear of needing to do a supp or to repeat the year. It's a scary thought.

I wish there was just someone who would understand and be able to care for me the way I need to be cared for during this period. But even then, I don't even know what I need to make me feel better, what more someone else. That would be unreasonable to ask. Then again.. I'm a girl, do I need a reason for everything? It's conflicting how I try to be as rational as I can, but at times, I just wish I was not. It's just a tough time to get through and I know all that I am, is leaning on God and His strength.

1 Corinthians 13

 I love today's sermon! We're currently on a series called, Church gone pear shaped, and it's through the book of 1 Corinthians, where Paul writes to the Corinth to address several issues that they had. We're going through the gifts that we're given and in 1Corinthians 13: 13"And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love"


We should be rather familiar with 1Corinthians 13:4-8, many use it during their wedding,


"Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails".

It doesn't only describe the love that should be between man and wife, it describes how it should be in the church, how we should be as the body of Christ. It tells us just exactly how we should be and behave, because LOVE is a word of action. It tells us to LOVE like Jesus! That's what I pray to be everyday, to be able to grow so as to Love like Jesus. 

In this time and period of my life, I want to love everyone like Jesus, especially my family and of course, a certain special someone. It's often with the people that we care and love the most that we do not have the best patience and love. That SHOULD change and MUST CHANGE. Because love doesn't come with the wind, it is practiced, it improves with faithful reminder and the strive to become more and more Christ like. 

And on the topic of relationships.. I stumbled upon some really cute cartoons, I know at times it may still be premature to talk about these things, but I do think of them and about them, and when I do.. I think of you (you know who you are). 

That probably is what Jesus's love is in a relationship, and if we strive to love like Jesus does, I'm sure at the end of the day, when we're both old and grey, I'd still be able to hold your hand and tell you, "I Love You, like how I did when I first fell in love with you, but only more". I'd like to recount our life together and you filling in the pieces that I've missed out, I'd like to be able to say at the end of the day that "I'm glad you're my penguin". 

     

Heartbeats

We had our end of the year Valedictory dinner tonight. It was filled with tears and emotions I just can't seem to express. Joy that I've been a part of this college, sadness cause I'm going to say goodbye and bittersweet cause I know this is the place that first made me feel at home yet at this point in time, I have to go, I have to move on.

Fiona Crowe, our head of college told us that she placed her ears on her father's chest to hear his last heartbeat as he died, it is a sound that she meditates upon, using it as a way of setting the day right if it is wrong. I feel like part of every heart beat of mine beats for her, it beats for my gran.. cause she's etched her love on the walls of my heart. I will remember to do what I love with fierce passion, to do it because I love it and to excel in it because that's the result of passion. It was a good timely reminder. A very good one.

Sunday thoughts

We've been talking about gifts in church and it got me thinking.. What exactly are my gifts? I'm praying for me to acknowledge them, grow them and serve the church with them. Like what Pastor David said, we are all essential parts of the church to build the church, we have different parts but all of equal value.

As of now, it's crunch time in uni, exams are starting soon, drilling summatives are going to be full on for the next two weeks and I'm praying that God will take my hands and guide me through it. I know His grace will be where ever His will takes me. I'm also trying to recover from sleep deprivation, my body seems to be getting crankier! I need to move out of college!!!!

I need my space and my time. I called my bro the other day and told him I really missed grandma, of course, brothers being brothers aren't the best at giving comfort. I really do miss her.. I wish sometimes she were still here and I can joke with her about making dentures for her. Especially since we're learning about prosthodontics now. I wish I had that luxury to be able to make her smile again, to make her a set of dentures so that she can enjoy her food again. I know it's not going to help if I keep thinking of her, but sometimes.. just sometimes.. It gets quite hard to put someone you love at the back of your mind.

It gets to me when I think about life and the future. Everyone thinks that your life is all set and planned out once you are in a professional course, but what they don't know is the responsibility that comes with it. I want to know what God wants me to do with this, with my life.. I have the confidence that He has it all planned out, I have faith that His will will prevail regardless of what I choose. But just sometimes, I wish He gave me a glimpse of what my future would hold, what I'd be doing with dentistry, how I'd be living my life and who I'd be living it with. I guess that's what they mean when we live in Faith hey? =) Trust and obey.

Peace please

There really isn't a day that goes by where I don't think of her or miss her. It's been a few months, but sometimes it's really hard to not miss someone after having spent my whole life with her. Perhaps that's the pain that comes with losing someone, knowing just exactly what you've lost. I'm nursing that pain in my heart, it's not easy, I have to admit, but I know she'll want me to be strong and live life to my fullest.

Recent events have just made me realize a lot. Perhaps some friends need to know what they've lost before they'll come to a realization, or perhaps they might just realize, the friendship didn't mean much in the first place. I value my friendships and relationships, they mean a lot to me, not just the bond that has been formed, but the life and time that has been shared. I know it's foolish to think that my friends are like-minded, but I wish they were.

Some people might say that I've changed, I don't deny that I might have, but I've always been fundamentally the same as a friend. I know I'm not the sort who would spend countless of hours with you just doing silly stuff, but I'd be the one who would be there when you really need someone, someone who'd listen to you and someone you'd stand by you. Of course, this doesn't sound too fun as a package, does it.

I think I've just come to realize that sometimes, you can be there for people you care about, but it doesn't really mean that they'd be there to do the same. When I lost grand, they weren't there to understand nor support, neither did they bother finding out what actually was wrong. I just need my peace right now.

The Gym

At the end of a long day at uni, all I really long for is a good wokout at the gym. Yes I know it sounds bizarre why anyone at all would find comfort at the gym, health benefits aside, what I call, "happy hormone" (Endorphins) makes any bad day, a good one. Apart from that, the gym floor is often such a good place for a good laugh and here's why..

You have the "ELEPHANT on the treadmill" person who, for some reason, has to let every footstep be heard as a resounding thump. I'm half worried for their knees and mostly just concerned that they may break the treadmill. 

Then you have the "FAIRY feet" females who seem to be on the treadmill for AGES and not seem to have a bead of perspiration. Why fairy feet? Cause they're probably "working out" at a speed that's about walking speed. My question is.. Won't the park be more interesting?

Alright, then you have the bunch of ladies on the cardio equipment, the stationary bikes, the cross trainers and the steppers, etc.. Who are there, day in, day out for hour(s), but yet don't seem to achieve/accomplish much physically.

Then we look at the gym floor where all the men are.. Half the time, you smell them before you see them. That's besides the point. 

There's the "BODY BUILDER".. who, in my opinion, look hulk-ish apart from the green colour, but they are so huge, they don't seem to have a head (I know you know what I mean). There they are with their big built bodies in some sort of THIN STRAPPED singlet. I HONESTLY do not appreciate looking at your nipples! Yes. They might think that they have a huge chest, but seriously.. Keep your spots to yourself.

Then.. we have the "NARCISSIST". They hog the MIRROR after ONE set of biceps or abs or arms, thinking that they might be more ripped and larger after one set. COME ON dude.. Get real!

We next have the "GRUNTER".. You know.. the ones you hear all the time, grunting at every lift. It's understandable if they're pumping REALLLLLY heavy weights, but if you're barely pumping any iron then I really don't see the point. What's even worse is if they're grunting to hard and you realise that their form is wrong and they aren't pumping right. like.. What's the point?

And let us not forget the "GRUMP".. often more elderly women (sometimes men) who are perhaps in some sort of Mid life crisis and just appears to be angry all the time, giving you the stare and once over. -_-" perhaps what you need isn't a workout, but social therapy.

Now you know why I love the gym? Of course, there are more or less "Normal" people in the gym too. (if you consider me as one). I'm sure someone would have something to say about my type of workout and frequency, but hey, if it makes your day, I don't mind! 

And why I love the gym too.. Is cause that's where I met Sherwin. =) I like it too that we occasionally meet there even after he started work. I like how we both enjoy working out! (just saying!)

I received one of the most heartwarming emails today, it was from my tutor and along with it, he sent me a poem by Rudyard Kipling - IF. Here's sharing it with you.


IF

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son! 

Five minute life updates!

For some strange reason, I feel like things in Australia change really quickly, sometimes faster than I can remember. That being said, I'm not talking about the developments in WA (which is practically going at snail's speed), but the events and occurrences in my life. Life seems to have just flown by, one and a half years isn't exactly a short amount of time, yet it seems to go by so quickly. Perhaps that's what they mean when they say good times are usually short, cause I truly am enjoying myself here, I'm truly loving every moment I have at dental school. Though I have to say, it is tough and rough, but it's only gonna make me buff (alright, this is quite bad). BUT.. it is making me buff.. figuratively and literally speaking. 

More importantly, I think I realize how much I appreciate my friends back home. The girls from church, Elaine, Jasmine and even my dudes are so dearly missed. I miss friendships that were not solely built on circumstances. Don't get me wrong, I love my core group of friends here in Perth too, my church mates and the dent gang are just blessing my life with extravagant experiences, not to mention, my special someone who doubles up as my soul mate too. :) 

Yes. Things have changed, for better or for worse, only time will tell. I honestly am confused about the situation or whether or not there is one to begin with. I am at a point in my life where I just don't seem to have the spare strength or energy to seek clarification or purpose. I no longer see a point in pursuing a friendship that does not mean anything to the other party. I've tried, but it's going to be just another seemingly transient relationship, then it's not one that I'm going to pursue. I'd rather build my friendships on the solid foundation of trust and love then to be in one of mistrust and speculation. 

So much for "friends forever".

Oh well.. On a lighter note, I met his parents a couple of weeks back. I was SOOO NERVOUS! You can only imagine the horror in my head, according to him, I was so tight lipped. I'm hoping (fingers crossed extremely tightly) that they'll be happy with his choice and that they'll know that I'm here to not only love their son, but to love them too. Right now, I'm just really blessed to have him in my life, at least I know there's someone who understands me and is there to hold my hand and catch me when I fall. After all.. He's the reason why I fell ... in love... in the first place. :) 

Born and bound to be no more

For the first time in 24 years, I've been challenged to rethink my concept of intelligence, of innate abilities or in short, the idea of "it's all in the genes". I've been reading a book called The Genius in All of us - David Shenk, I'm 50 pages in and I am half delighted that part of what I believe has been put into words and yet I know it shakes the other part of me that subconsciously categorizes.

Streaming, IQ tests, admission tests and all of the others that we have used to determine someone's intelligence, or rather, innate intelligence and in turn, whether or not they are "worthy" of admission, has been used to shape society, the way education systems work around the world, the way we categorize our children at the very young tender age. I know in Singapore, we fall into the fallacious world of genetic categorizing. Our ex-MM Lee used to believe so strongly that everything is genetically predetermined, having (with all due respect to him) the audacity to think that people of higher intellect should marry people of the same intellectual class, and hence have more children, so that we can produce a society that is genetically more intelligent.

I find that theory flawed. Like David Shenk and many geneticists, I don't believe that nature determines personality traits and capabilities. Genes are not independent of the environment we live in, genetics and traits are not solely predetermined when our parent's gametes meet, when crossing over occurs or when our genetic differentiation and specialization takes place. Yes, I have to admit though, that genes code for the proteins that would make up and form our traits, BUT, genes first interact with the environment to produce these proteins. So essentially, what I'm trying to say is that the so called "innate traits" that we have are not a sole product of genes, but an interaction between the environment and the genes to produce traits.

What does all that mean then? It means no one, absolutely NO ONE is born for mediocrity, no one is born incapable. Yes, you'd argue with me that there are genetic mutations like down syndrome or huntingtons, but we cannot discredit this thought by basing it on the anomaly of 5% of mutations. As illustrated in the book:

"'A disconnected wire can cause a car to break down,' explains Patrick Bateson. 'But this does not mean that the wire by itself is responsible for making the car move.' Similarly, a genetic defect causing a series of problems does not mean that the healthy version of that gene is single-handedly responsible for normal function"


My point is, are we falling into the misconception that what we're capable of has been genetically predetermined? If my parents and brothers are not athletes, does that mean I'm destined to not be one? It is the lack of an encouraging environment for sport from a young age that results in me being physically not as capable. The environment did not DEMAND of my body, or in this case, my genes to produce proteins and hence traits for sporting abilities.

Why is it that some families are a family of doctors? Is it cause the kids are just born naturally smarter because their parents are? NO! It's because the environment the family has created for the child was conducive, they were brought up in an environment that stimulated their child in certain ways. The child's vocabulary for medicine would be far superior than their peers, through day to day conversations, children pick up knowledge and even at a very young age, they are stimulated to think, to understand. The environment they were brought up in was probably the reason why they are more inclined to medicine and hence do better, and not because that they are genetically born smarter,  they are just more well exposed and developed.

Here's what I got out of 50 pages, that our potentials are limitless, we, society and our environment place limits on ourselves. We have been ingrained to believe what society believes. We have to break free from these categories and challenge ourselves to stretch our abilities and to not deem someone "less intelligent" by their vocation, or their course of study or to think that someone is "smarter" by virtue of what they do or study. We have different capabilities that have been formed from an environment though dynamic development, static development should be crowned a fallacy. In a way, we are what we demand ourselves to be.

I'm challenging myself to break free from what I have been taught to believe, that I'm only good at my hand skills, that I'm not good with books, that I'm not physically capable/fit cause I'm not genetically born to be so. I want to break free from these categorizations, these, in my opinion, are bondages that I've been brought up to carry. To be a better me, I have to break free from these limitations, because I can never know my full capabilities if I'm constantly bound by limits.

Would you join me in the quest of fulfilling potentials and stretching of abilities?

One of those nights

Feeling a tad emotional today. Not the PMS kind, neither the moody grouchy kind and I doubt it's because I'm hungry. When Antonio opened in Merchant of Venice "In sooth, I know not why I am so sad", at least now I can comprehend his frustration at his lack of understanding of his emotions.

Do I believe in love? should that question be.. How much do I believe in love. I do, infinitely in God's love. I don't know how much I do when it comes to friends, to partners.

I do wonder, not because I don't believe in love, I just don't have enough faith in man's flimsy hearts.

I don't know, perhaps even in a setting like a college, living with 160 people, you can still feel alone. I can be among friends, surrounded by crowds, yet I still feel alone. Am I in that phase of life where I'm looking for companionate love? I reckon so and I really hope I've found it.

One and a half years later..

Where do I begin? From the first day I realised I wanted to be a dentist or the first day I knew I got into it. One and a half years in and everyday, I wake up to a miracle. Everyday, I'm thankful and blessed that I'm in dental school. I reckon that was why God put me through NUS, He put me through three years of want and honestly, my last year in NUS was just filled with desperation.

That's probably what they mean when they say "it's through the valleys that you grow" and it was in my toughest moments that I heard God, when I was in sheer desperation that I was scourging to hear just a whisper or anything remotely close to an answer and when I did, He gave me a message so clear, a voice so loud and a desire so tangible, He turned my dreams into reality, into fierce passion.

It pains my heart when I see my classmates drop out from dental school, even if it's only a short term that I've gotten to know them, the sheer fact that we were going through dental school together bonds us. It's not a joke when people say that dentistry is probably the toughest and most demanding course in uni. It is. After one and a half years, I can say it is and it will only get tougher.

Some days are hard, you get beaten down and feel disappointed. You get demoralized and wonder just whether or not you'll get through. I know for awhile I lost that desire, for a moment, I took my eyes off. I took my eyes off Jesus, I looked at MY achievements and what I could do. I focused on MY grades and MY abilities. I know this semester has started off on the right foot. I know I can't rely on my strengths, for I have none, I can't rely on my abilities, for I am weak. But with God, I have possibilities, I have strength, for HE empowers me.

I cannot express just how Thankful I am, how blessed I feel. I may not be the smartest dental student, but I'm striving for dedicated excellence to serve God and His people.

Dentistry aside, I am content. Sherwin has been such a pillar of support, encouragement and love. It's a heartwarming feeling to know that there's someone who understands me, my passions and knows exactly what to say when I'm feeling demoralized and down. Not to mention, he warms not just my heart but my gut too! =) I see God working in his life and grace just pouring so abundantly that I'm blessed by it too. Tho I don't really know how this will pen out in the future, I know God's will will be sovereign in this. What will happen in a couple of years when he needs to leave to pursue his dreams? I honestly don't know and perhaps it's too soon to tell.. but the only thing I can be certain of is that I'd be more than glad that he'll be able to pursue his passions, with or without me. Because after all my experiences in life, all I can say is that there is no greater joy and satisfaction than doing what you've been called to do. I can testify to that, one and a half years in..

Be a better you

Cosmopolitan (and I'm not referring to the drink) may not really be the best place to look for relationship advise, or ANY advise to begin with, but I was flipping through the mag and here's what a title of an article wrote "Act like a queen, attract a king". At first glance, I thought it was just another flimsy "feel good" article, but upon reading it, I realized it put my thoughts on relationships into words.

For those who have known me for quite awhile, you would probably be familiar with my disdain (might be too strong a word, but for the purposes of putting my point across) for girls or guys that act like brats or those that have extreme/obsessive lifestyle habits like drunkenness, smoking, promiscuity and.. you get my drift. But yet we have many girls of this generation who carry these characteristics and yet complain that they can't find a good guy, and similarly, guys who say they can't find a good woman. 

Well.. Here's what I think and what the article says in a nut shell, "like attracts like". The article encourages girls to be and possess qualities that they would like to see in a man. If you want someone who is refined and mature, you have to be the same too. 

That's what I think our society fails to teach, we're taught at a young age to want the best, to seek the best and always know that there will be better, but we're seldom taught to look at ourselves and ask ourselves, are we the best we can offer, are we also that "someone better"? 

What I expect from my partner is no more than what I can bring into the relationship. I don't ask for more, I just ask for him to be like me. I expect that same dedication and commitment, the same level of concern and thoughtfulness, the same level of maturity and the same amount of love. The only thing that I expect of him, is to know what HE wants and to lead in the relationship.

I hope more girls and guys alike will come to this realization that they cannot expect the best or better, when they're not up to scratch themselves. The betterment of oneself comes with practice, it comes with hard work, having an excuse of "he'll love me for me" even though you know your bad habits are undesirable is just deluding yourself. 

I am seeking to be a better me, to be that woman of Proverbs 31, a woman of Christ.

Self realisations

Don't you get some moments when you go.. "I didn't know that about myself".. I've had a few of them just recently and here's sharing them with you.

1. I didn't know I can have 8 shots of coffee in the span of 2 hours without getting overtly hyper (I had almost 12 in the whole day)
2. I didn't know I could have that much discipline in dragging myself to the gym despite my body begging me not to.
3. I have a way of blocking people out of my life and really, when I do, I DO.
4. I didn't know my heart could be filled with so much joy just restoring a tooth with amalgam. =)
5. I didn't know my mind, body and soul could have such an experience all at once, enjoying the peace that I know I'm in the right course for the right reasons and for the undying passion.
6. I didn't know a heartache could reach to such depths of my heart. I thought I had faced grand's passing, but I don't think I truly have.
7. I never realised I had such tenacity until now.

ASS - U - ME

ASSUME -  Makes the ASS out of U and ME.

I have learnt my lesson. Not to assume, cause it has made an ass out of me.. Assuming someone's maturity, ability to handle situations and understanding of situations. When chronological age does not seem to mesh with mental age, yet people think that they are more mature than they really are.. That's where the problem arises. Or maybe.. when there's nothing else more important going on in their lives, something so small and insignificant becomes a huge issue.

I know I'm in a different phase in life, the winter break was a wake up call to me, it was a harsh break of reality and it was for me to acknowledge and shift my priorities. What was important to me, like college affairs and acquaintances, no longer holds its weight in my life.

My heart desires for the kingdom of the Lord, it desires for my passions to be fulfilled, it desires for me to have tighter relationships with my family, nuclear and extended, and my heart desires to build on relationships for God's purposes and with someone for the long haul.

Yes. I have learnt and grown and will not assume.

I've had enough

I light of recent events, I have come to a point and stage in life where I've had enough. Let's just say, college life will and can get to you. When you're 24 living amongst a bunch of kids whose average age is between 18-19, life can be quite miserable. IF they're more mature and more well thought out, I guess it won't be that bad, but what we have here is astounding.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying ALL the girls in college, there are that few whom I give all due respect and credit to. But yes.. I wish people would grow up, taking a small matter or rather, comment and making it sound like a big huge issue is literally, making a mountain out of a molehill. Yes, I agree that it may have been a comment made by someone that was uncalled for. However, if you have chosen to make that particular event open to the public on a social medium, then expect adverse comments and when you do have them, accept them graciously.

That's how harsh reality is. Not everyone is going to love and be in awe of everything you plan, despite the effort that you've put into it. If you expect recognition for everything you do, then all I can say is that you've gotta wake up to reality or bluntly put.. "suck it up princess".

I am honestly quite disappointed at how things were put across. I expected more from people, but then again, it's my fault on my part, thinking that people had the maturity around here. Foolish was I to think that way. After grand's passing, I just realised how stupid and foolish it was to be so caught up with the whole college affair. Like what we've been doing in church, I wanna work towards a future that is eternal, I want to store up heavenly treasures and not things that don't last, much less acquaintances that don't matter, or won't last past college. We all have a fixed amount of time on earth, and the last thing I want to do, is spend it on people who don't matter, and on things that deserve no attention.

Honestly, if there's any gossip whatsoever, I'm really not bothered. I've always maintained my stand.. if you have a problem with me, tell me straight up, if not, forever hold your peace.

I really can't wait to get out of here. enough is enough.

In loving memory

I guess part of me had to write this post as a way of letting it go. To be honest, I'm not a person who is afraid of death, not someone who fears the thought and idea, Death, be not proud. The only thing that grips me is that I know that I would never see the person ever again, especially in God's kingdom. It saddens me that I never had the chance to share His word with her, or rather, I never had the courage to share His word with her or with anyone in my family.

Grandma has always been a woman who inspires me, her struggles in life, the choices she made and the things she had to do to make sure all her kids went though school. If you ask me, that's what a woman of success is.. One who overcomes and faces her challenges head on. Sometimes she does remind me of a Peranakan matriarch, so strong and stern, yet the grandma I know has the kindest heart and the most gentle soul.

She has lived a wonderful 97 years and I'm glad that I got to share and be a part of that 97. I have so many fond memories of her rocking me to sleep and telling me nap time stories, of me teaching her English and of her holding my hands and telling me her life experiences. I love my grandma and I know that will never change, where ever she may be.

I know I will miss her from time to time, but I know she'd want me to move on and achieve my dreams and goals. I will keep these fond memories in my heart knowing full well that I have had the privilege to be brought up by gran. I will tell my kids of their great grandmother and share these little stories with them, I will tell them that she has left her legacy in my life and I hope that strength and courage that she has has been passed on to me, that I'd be a woman of strength, righteousness, love, kindness, elegance and quiet sophistication. That's my grandma.. My wonderful grandma.

In God's time.. All is perfect

Boarding the flight back home over winter wasn't easy. I got on board the plane, excited to come home to my friends and family, but at the same time, heavy hearted that grandma wasn't doing too well. This short time back and even in Perth has just showed me two things.. That God answers prayers and that He is gracious.

Prior to returning home on the 28th, my flight was scheduled for the 1st. I honestly think I would have had a mental break down just thinking of the "what if's" if i didn't come home any earlier. But praying to take grand out of ICU and for her recovery came to pass. She's out of the hospital and rehabilitating at home, what brings a smile to my face is that she's so much more vibrant and lively at home. It reminds me of old times where grand and I would just sit and chat about everything.. Though those moments are rare now, it only serves to make them more precious. I love my grandma, selfishly, I'd want her to be there to see me walk down the aisle, to assess my boyfriend, to give me the love advise every grandparent would want her grandchild to know. But I know, all I want for her right now, is for her to be happy and content. 

Apart from that, coming home has been filled with a lot of "So who's the new guy.." questions. I kind of expected that, given the fact that I honestly haven't said much or told anyone about him, or rather, haven't told anyone in Singapore about him.

To be honest, I have never given a relationship that much thought and that far into the future as this, and I have not ever been so courageous in taking a leap of faith. For those of you who know me and how my family works, I have more or less tried to date someone that my family would generally approve of, just based on first impressions and their scope of expertise. Or rather, i try to take the easy way out, by picking someone like that so that I don't have to work so hard at making things work.. but somehow, it never would work out anyway.

This time, it was me knowing and conscious of the objections that I might have to face initially, and me knowingly walking into this relationship with the knowledge that it is something that I want to work towards to and with someone I'm willing to work for.

I may at times be a silly thinking mess with my head and its thought processes. I am rational and sometimes, TOO rational. I like to be in control, especially of my emotions, I don't like the idea that part of my emotions and how I feel is now partly dependent on someone too. That thought does scare me. Perhaps past hurts still haunt me or perhaps it's the fear of going through a heartache again. I really don't know. But what I do know is that at this point in time, I'm letting someone into my life, into my heart. That I potentially might have found the person I love as much as I love dentistry. It is a moment where I take a step back to fully grasp the magnitude, where I look at how it all began and go.. God is good.

If being in NUS for three years was what He needed to make sure we meet at the right time, then all I can say is that.. Everything in God's will falls in place really well. For fear of sounding cheesy, he is a guy who gives me pre-ventricular heart contractions (my heart skips a beat), he is a guy who warms my heart like no other, a guy whose eyes I love looking into and hands I love to hold. Some might tell me that "it's too early" or "it's too rushed" but this time, all I have to say is that, it happened in our time, at our pace and it's something I won't want to change.

As much as we don't know where our professions might take us in future, I know for once, I'm listening to my heart and having faith that God knows best. I know I want to work things out with him, I want to give this relationship a chance, if I had to take a leap of faith with a guy, it would have to be him. I am happy and content where I am and where we are. It may sound silly, but I'm excited at what life holds for the both of us.


*disclaimer: Mushy content ahead, Jocelyn would not be held responsible should you choose to read on*

To the man who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time, you have captivated me. Not just with your being, but your presence and your nature. I would never complain looking into those brown eyes, simply cause I see your heart and its magnitude I have yet to fully comprehend. I love how we share the same desires for our passions, our hunger for more than excellence from ourselves, our strive for betterment, yet when time calls for it, can fall and form a lovely romantic couple, stopping, staring and snapping (shutter happy =D), as we watch the world go by. Above all these moments that I love, it's you that make them perfect and you, Sherwin, that I love even more. Borrowing from Jane Austen, "You have bewitched me, body and soul, ..." and I will leave you to find the rest of the quote ;) and when you've found it, you'd have completed the very sentence to which my heart speaks. 

Love actually.... Happens

It's one of those nights where I'm in bed going.. When can I actually get to sleep. So instead of counting sheep, I decide I should do what I do best on sleepless nights. Blog. If you're a friend of mine and read my blog to keep abreast of what's going on in my life, I apologise for the lack of personal updates.

Life here has been fruitfully stressful. It's the exam period and I'm in my usual cranky, caffeine driven mode. I do love exams, it's just the period of studying leading up to it can be quite taxing and draining, but I'm fortunate that every single day, I'm reading something that I love! Apart from that, I reckon I'm fortunate that  I wake up everyday to God's grace and blessings, and just recently, He blessed me with someone my heart has grown fond of.

I know many of my girlfriends will go.. "Boy Drama" again. It is in some way pretty amusing how I have many more episodes here in Perth than in Singapore. That said, I have to say, this one is pretty spectacular without much drama and I'd say, a breath of fresh air.

I believe we've watched many chick flicks through life and somehow, for me, I have been desensitized and skeptical about love, about "falling in love". I give a snide chuckle when I watch chick flicks and go.. "right.. I'm sure this happens all the time". Up until now, I never knew it could... I never knew Love actually happens..

It was one normal tiring day at uni and I was just going about my thing, sticking to my routine and hitting the gym for bodycombat after uni. As usual, I rock up late (my hospital is quite a distance from the gym, fyi!) and there was this dude, at the side of the class room with a clipboard taking (what i think) was notes. I didn't really think much or saw much of him really, my focus was just to start the class and get my workout done. Mid way through the class, I grab a drink and saw really just how bored he looked, perhaps he wasn't, but that's what I would have felt if I were in his shoes, just observing and not punching away with us. I make a comment "Aren't you bored?", he looked up, sort of puzzled by that random comment and went "no no, I'm taking notes."

Of course now retrospectively, there's his part of the story to tell.. Which was him walking past the gym while I was in a Spin class the next day, and he looked into the class and saw me. Apparently, according to him, I gave him a smile, (but if you've seen me enough in Spin classes, I smile at random times cause I'm sadomasochistic and I love the lactic burn in my legs), but he walked on and thought to himself that it's too much of a coincidence and if he were to see me again, he'd chat up, cause he won't know if he'd see me again. (of course, at that point, he didn't know that I go to the gym four to five days a week).

Next time I saw him again, was at my regular gym class, bodycombat of course.. For some reason, he ran the class and we did sort of a short circuit training kind of thing and we managed to chat, not so much during, but after. Had sort of a generic chat with him after class about other courses in the gym that could push me more than combat and I think.. that was it.. I was on a bike doing more cardio after the class that day and he came up to me and we started to chat.

I know.. Most random place to meet someone, what more me in my WORSE state ever! All sticky and flushed from my workout, huffing and puffing from my cardio.. Mascara sort of smudged. Great way to make a impression..

I still remember him talking about what he does and randomly going, "do you like coffee?" and of course, with my genuine love for the drink, I said "of course".. and I think you should know what happened there after.. No.. coffee did not happen that weekend but a weekend later. What we did do, was study together, go for a fitness class together (which completely killed me), had pre-coffee date coffee, then went for our little coffee date.

Does this sound like a story line for a cheesy romantic comedy? I reckon so.

But honestly, where I am right now, I am content. Would I be happy being single? Yes i would and I have no qualms with celebrating singlehood, but he was a pleasant surprise. I remember Brendon telling me that if a guy really likes you, he'd want to be the best for you.. and with him, I see that. He makes me smile, truly from the heart. I know there was a period of time leading up to this where I wasn't sure and I'd have ran if not for how sure he seemed and his persistence.

I obviously have my fears and insecurities about this relationship which I have told him about, but I'm thankful that he knows them and have shown me how much he's willing to overcome them with me. I can't believe just how different we've been brought up, yet so so similar at the same time. I believe we both have a passion for what we want to do, he loves cooking probably as much as i love teeth, only difference is, his doesn't sound too wacko, but mine does. =)

He takes care of me, gives me his coat when I'm cold, writes me little notes, delivers food to me when I'm ill and sits with me till I'm no longer pale. He whips up a meal and warms my heart and writes me his heart on a card..

There's just so much more I'd like to share and only that much I can type.. but in all, I guess I'm content and happy in the thought that Love Actually Happens.

My thoughts on the Singapore General Elections

I am saddened. Truly and deeply saddened by Minister George Yeo's departure from Singapore's cabinet. Do we as Singaporeans know how to vote wisely?

During the recent general elections, I've seen so many once apathetic Singaporeans rise up to have a say in our politics. Standing behind the opposition and saying that it is time that PAP relinquishes their power. At this point in time, I question, do they truly know the repercussions of uninformed votes?

We crave for a voice that represents us in the parliament, for someone who'd stand up against the PAP. But does that mean we have to vote for the opposition?

I am appalled, truly bewildered that some people voted for the Reform Party. I question the quality of their representatives, their view on what truly matters and their representation of us in parliament and in the world. I am rendered speechless at some of the rallies, the issues that were raised were beyond mircoscopic.

Could I entrust my country, my home to someone who only has a microscopic view on the economy, on demographics? They raise issues like foreign expertise and talent, how they deprive Singaporeans of university places and jobs, but my question is, IF we are as good as them, we WILL and SHOULD rise up and pit ourselves against them and prove our worth. The betterment of a society is not about the exclusion of threat, but the inclusion of challenge. It says a lot about the people if all we do is exclude challenge. Are we then a nation that is onward, or are we a nation that regresses in complacency?

Do Singaporeans give thought about who they are voting out rather than who they are voting in? A smart voter would vote for someone who speaks for the people in a ruling party who CAN make a difference, not someone from the opposition whose voice may be heard, but overruled. An informed voter would put people who can see what the country NEEDS, what the people WANT and find a balance between the two, rather than just what the people WANT. At times, what we want may not be the best for our country and to put it bluntly, if our country doesn't prosper, we won't either.

What have we given up and done this general elections? We effectively voted out a minister with 23, TWENTY THREE years of political exposure and experience. I repeat, 23 years in which Minister Yeo served, he has been the face of Singapore to many countries, we have effectively thrown 23 years of man hours down the drain. Let's be honest here, we know how the world works and a lot of the time, it is the connections that get the job done, the people we know and the people who know us. Our net worth is as much as our network goes. So THANK YOU Singaporean Aljunied voters, you have dwindled our net worth as a country by 23 years of work. Well done.

Did it not cross anyone's mind that foreign ministers represent a country and other countries know us by who represents us? It saddens me so much to know that we've made a choice as such.. the damage and repercussions I cannot seem to fathom. Minister Yeo has done so much with such extraordinary vision, the affection, admiration and respect people have for him speaks volumes of him as a humble minister whose desire is for the people and his portfolio just adds so much more to him.

Don't get me wrong here, I am all for the voices of the people, I am all for capable opposition. Note, CAPABLE. As much as we can say we are a first world nation, we still have a long way to go as voters of one. Do we truly understand the power of democracy and are we well informed to cast an intelligent vote that would change the course of the country? Are we only interested in politics and the economy only during general elections and apathetic throughout? Do we only consider our interests rather than the interests of our country? Can we see things macroscopically?

I think we are still a young nation and our people have a lot more to learn and a long way to go in understanding democracy.

Oxymorons

Oxymorons - a figure of speech that combine contradictory terms


I think my life exemplifies that. Or rather, I think I have the tendency to put myself into them. Why? How? Why? How? I honestly don't know..


I love clarity in my life, I love situations to be as uncomplicated as possible, and likewise, relationships. But somehow, for some inexplicable reason, I end up in them. Perhaps in pursuit of clarity, I complicate things, in my head at least. For example, when someone says, "don't put all your eggs in one basket" in relation to relationships, my mind and brain just fires off at tangent.


First train of thought goes like this: "So, I'm one of the baskets, and that means I'm an option and thus he should not be a priority, and if that's the case, then I have to pull away to guard my heart, but if I don't allow myself to get to know the person, I'd never know him better. But But But.. if a guy isn't sure about you, then you should protect yourself and not let them in. So... RUN?!?!" 


Second train of thought goes: "You believe in the same thing too. So it's good that you are on the same page. but wait.. that means he isn't serious about this. So I shouldn't go on because it's a waste of time, but I don't know whether or not I can be serious about this either. So it should be alright.. right? But he should lead the relationship and if he isn't sure, then why not wait for him to be sure before even letting him be a part of your life." 


Third thought goes: "Right. Guards up NOW!! Immediately! Jocelyn, he isn't worth you thinking so much of if he isn't serious. If you're just an option, then walk out right now until he knows what he wants, until he sees your worth and pursues your heart."


Just imagine 20 or 30 of these thoughts running through my head simultaneously. I don't know how I do it either, but I just do. Part of me knows that at this stage in my life, I'm happy where I am, I would like to have someone to be a part of my life, but I need to be sure that this person is sure as well, but for that to happen, there will be a stage of "confusion" and that throws me off my clarity balance and my initial reaction is to... RUN. Am I a commitment phobe? Yes... and.. No? I think I'm phobic until I make up my mind and that's when my commitment is set and it's all or nothing. See what I mean by I exemplify oxymorons?


Why is it so complex? It's not supposed to be right? I know people just tell me to let it be, let time tell.. but.. All my questions need an answer and I feel exasperated when I don't get my answers and that adds to my confusion and leads to my withdrawal. Which honestly.. it's such a vicious cycle really. That's just the logical/rational part of me kicking in and I don't know what to do. 


I wish I can just untangle my brain!

Chemistry - the science of love?

Why do they call it chemistry? Is it cause of all the chemical reactions that take place in your body when you meet someone? Or is it the chemical reactions between you? Pheromones in the olfactory bulb on your cribriform? Or the endorphines that run through your veins? Reflexes that make you vasodilate, blush and feel butterflies in your stomach? 

Or, did some random guy, a long time ago, think of this as a reason to run/go into a relationship? It's something you can't really argue right? If he says,"we can't be together cause we lack chemistry (aka: the spark)" or when he says, "I think we should be together, cause we have so much chemistry". 

It's not quantitative, sort of qualitative and it's absolutely subjective. 

Question is.. Is chemistry enough? Can it last? 

I reckon every start of a relationship needs a little bit of chemistry.. Nothing would really work when the science of it doesn't work right? Simple equation, addition of reactants  - chemistry - reaction. I honestly wish it were that simple. 

My head. My heart. My head. My heart. My head. My heart. 

One's trying to out rule the other and I don't know which is going to win really, but I reckon only time can tell and will tell if my heart and my head can come to common consensus, which I think, would not be too hard a thing to do. I hope God will speak to my heart and lead my head to His will! 

Holiday reflections

Easter holiday was so timely. I just needed to go away from everything and just be with people who I know truly care and love me. College has been taking a toll on me. I don't dislike it, but I don't enjoy living here anymore. There's too much drama, far too mundane, that goes on. People too ungracious with distasteful attitudes. That's more or less life, I know, you don't get to choose who lives in the world around you, but I reckon, I should get to choose who I live with, and I just want to get out of here.. PRONTO!

Apart from that, Adelaide was beautiful! At least I was shutter happy! Took so many photos over the span of three days that I wonder, how did I even do that! But above all the nice shopping, (thanks to my big brother and his girlfriend for sponsoring my little splurges), what I hold close to my heart is when my brother prayed for me. The first time in my life, he prayed for me, while driving me to the airport. I cannot describe just how this makes me feel, but it meant so much so much to me. I know at times I don't say it enough or show it enough, but if I could, I'd really want him to know just what it meant to me, that simple prayer meant the world to me. It is also through this that I know that God is working in my family, that He answers our prayers. I hope, one day, I can have the same prayer with my parents too.

Well.. I miss my family so much. My parents and especially lil Jadon. I can't help but want to fly back to singapore to see him grow up, I want to be there when he takes his first step. I'm his auntie Joce, yet I'm so far from him. I want to read him stories and fairy-tales, teach him how to count and teach him the alphabet.. I guess I can only wait till the holidays. But as of now, I think I'm taking care of his lil wardrobe.. You're never too young to have style right! =D

Thoughts that overwhelm

.STRESS. Strength Through Reaching Ends, Skies and Stars. No.. I'm not delusional. Yes.. I'm Stressed. First time ever in my life, I'm actually stressed out. Clinic drains me and there's so much material to cover I wish I had 48 hours to spare a day. But sadly, as special as I think I am in God's eyes, He's not giving me that privilege.

I've heard enough of.. "you're too hard on yourself". Really? Am I?

You don't really know how hard you are on yourself or how far you're pushing yourself until you actually do. Fact is.. True to an ACS line.. "the best is yet to be", simply cause if you push and stretch yourself that much further, you can reach even further, even higher. That's not to say to stretch till you snap, it's stretching your limits, your boundaries, your capabilities so that you can do more and be more. I don't think that's asking too much of myself or me coming too hard on myself. Especially if it's for something that I love, for something that I'm passionate about.

Truth is, my life is good, great and amazing in fact. I look at what is happening around the world and just realize how small and how insignificant my worries are. Compared to a child who has lost her parents in the earthquake, or the family that has lost everything in one day, or the fear and turmoil to be living in in the middle east.. My life has the peace like a river. God has been so gracious and so generous with His love, that someone as undeserving as me have what I have. I have His love, I have His mercy, I have His wrath turned away from me.. I have His promise of eternity, I have His promise of His kingdom. Me. Small insignificant me. 1 out of 6 billion, 1 out of the whole universe and galaxy. He has chosen me and given me all these. How can I not be overwhelmed?

My encounter with natural teeth and courtship!

It has been an amazing yet extremely tiring week. I don't even recall doing as much this week.. In fact, I've never felt so exhausted from uni. I think drilling just drains me. That said, we drilled into natural teeth this week and it was nothing short of AMAZING! I kid you not! The feeling of the drill/bur into natural teeth feels so different from what we're doing on the frasaco teeth. Yes, I may seem overly obsessed with dentistry and drilling, but I can't help but feel so blessed to be in dental school. The sweet sounds of the drill, the adrenaline that runs through my veins when I pick up my high speed hand piece and just the concentration needed to create a conservative preparation.. These drive me, motivate me and empower me. Dent school is, without a doubt, a pressure pot, yet I know, I won't want any less of it!

I'm STILL reading Boy Meets Girl, simply cause I don't really have as much time for a book as I would love to, but I really am starting to love the term.. COURTSHIP. It's a time where you get to know one another to see if you're ready/compatible for a relationship. To be a boyfriend/girlfriend in his terms means to get into a relationship that is pre-engagement of that sort, that being a boyfriend/girlfriend would be being in a relationship with the intention of marriage. That, of course, in our social context, may seem like a whole load of bull, but it truly makes a lot of sense.

Courtship is when you maintain friendship, getting to know the person in his/her environment, when they are interacting with their friends, when they are truly them. We tend to rush into relationships too prematurely in this day and age.. I don't deny falling prey to the emotions, the bubbly airy feeling love brings and wanting to be with someone you feel has gripped your heart. Retrospectively speaking, I reckon that's why those relationships were a thing of the past. Oh well.. I used to say that I'm ready for a relationship, but I suppose I have to take that back now, I'm ready for courtship.. and only ready for a relationship when I've found that special someone God has planned for me. For now, I'm courting a passion called Dentistry!

Reflections during a boring lecture

A moment during service, I felt God's spirit move within me and uplift me. I was nervous singing on stage, yet I know on stage, His presence stilled me. I let it go at the last song, indeed, I'm not ashamed of the gospel, and there's so much freedom in His truth!

With so much going on at home, I really do yearn for everyone to hear of His gospel, I want my family to be saved, I yearn for them to receive salvation. Because you want to share the best with your family, what more a gift so great like His grace and His justification. The thought pains me that at the end of the day, we might not be in the same place for eternity. The only thought that brings me some solace is that hopefully, with God In my life as a testimony and perhaps them hearing of His grace, that at the end of the day, at the last breath, they seek Christ to save them, they call out to Him.

Well. After service, one of the aunties was speaking to me and we were just talking about age and settling down. I agree with her when she says we have to find ourselves as women first before finding someone to settle down with. And I think what's more important than finding ourselves is finding God in our lives. We should also as women, while trying to find that special someone, we work towards building ourselves into the woman God wants us to be. Building up on skills like motherhood, taking care of their husbands and all the other Godly attributes. That's all for now. God bless!

When Boy meets Girl

Am currently reading Joshua Harris's Boy meets Girl and I'm starting to like the term COURTSHIP. That's it! It may seem like the most hackneyed term to use, but that's what we need! Courtship before relationship. I'll blog more about it when I have the time. I just liked the quotes he used from Elisabeth Elliot about the roles of men and women, it's in the chapter, "If boys were to be Men, would girls be Ladies?"

I do agree with him on the counts on where society is about gender roles and it's so baffling to me cause I am proud to embrace being a lady and the roles we have as women. I have things I've gotta work on, but I have no desire, what so ever, of putting on the pants and being the man!

Here's what Elisabeth Elliot wrote, "The world cries for men who are strong-strong in conviction, strong to lead, to stand, to suffer. I pray that you will be that kind of man- glad that God made you a man, glad to shoulder the burden of manliness in a time when to do so will often bring contempt." I pray this for my male friends, that you will stand up and rise up from being boys and undertaking the manly roles God has ordained for you!

And for the women, she wrote, "A real woman understands that man was created to be the initiator, and she operates on that premise. This is primarily a matter of attitude. I am convinced the woman who understands and accept with gladness the difference between masculine and feminine will be, without pretense or self-consciously, woman". I also like how Josh Harris also talks about cultivating the attitude that motherhood is a noble and fulfilling calling and to not be shy about embracing it and to practice homemaking skills, encouraging men/brothers in Christ to compliment sisters when they strive to learn these skills! Amen!

Zone out

Sometimes, just sometimes, I fall into this zone, a zone where I reckon no one, but God, can take me out of. I'm not upset, I'm not unhappy, I'm not angry, I'm just not feeling right.

When someone you know leaves the world, someone you know hasn't received Christ, the loss is even greater and the pain even more. I ask myself why I never did share His word with him, was I too young, too immature and too incompetent to share His word with someone so much older.

It pains me so much to know that someone has left this world without receiving His salvation. My heart cries and aches at that thought. I think about all my family, friends and people that I love who have yet to receive Christ.. How much time do I have left to bring them to salvation? The thought scares me.. What happens if they never do?

I know I'm content at this point in time. I know I have the Lord's peace with me.. but at the same time.. As much as I try to think and tell myself it's over, it's all over and I've moved on, I know part of me hasn't. My intuition doesn't allow me to move on from where I left off. I am content, but my heart knows better that that's not all. I really don't know what to do. Lord. If this is not of your kingdom and not from you, please take it away.

My Father's Love

Being back down under for a week feels a little surreal, being in year 2 dentistry is amazing. It's one of the best gifts I have been given in my life! I think God has blessed me with such tremendous grace that I'm overwhelmed. I heard in church today, that grace is mercy of the undeserved love God has given. Indeed, He has been merciful.

I start year 2 with so many challenges yet at the same time feeling so refreshed and invigorated. Jadon's birth was such a good reminder that God is THE creator of all things and He has indeed prepared for us in our lives an amazing journey and has given us His kingdom. Whenever I look at him, I am reminded of just how blessed I am.. That God is such an amazing God.. How we can be conceived in the womb, how we grow in our mother's bodies, how a ball of cells just multiply, divide, differentiate to become us. How we were born so innocent, so blameless, yet bearing the weight of original sin.. How we become the way we are and receive the grace of faith to be justified, to be atoned. I think of all that and remember Christ dying on the cross for me, for my sins, just so that He can turn away God's wrath, so that I can be in His presence. I am just choking with emotion right now.

Jadon reminds me of so many things I'm not and at the same time, so many things I wanna be. A baby, so small, yet such a bundle of joy, a baby so tiny, yet evokes emotions in me I never knew I had. Every time i think of him, I'm reminded of how blessed i am. I love my little one to bits.

Being back in Singapore and just being around my family and friends, made me realise one single truth.. That I truly am Singaporean, there's no where else I'd call my home. At least after this holiday, I'm pretty sure I'm going back to Singapore to practice and I'm now just waiting for God to open the doors of specialisation for me.

I had the most amazing time back home.. I made new friends, found better friends in some and was just able to be blessed by their love. I know I've truly let things go and just be able to understand and answer so many questions. I was always troubled by the question of what God really wanted me to learn from my relationship with Chris, it was one where I was prayerful, it was one where I really waited on the Lord.. and one day, it just snapped in me that I finally know what now.

All my life I've always thought that anything's alright, I can compromise, I can get used to things, I can grow to love someone, I can grow to overlook all his faults.. But I think God just wanted me to tell Him what I truly felt, what I wanted. That I was not alright with certain things, that I had a list, that it was alright for me to bring these requests to Him. He wanted me to know that He was my Father, my Father who wants the best for me, a Father who wants to have these conversations with me.. A Father who was waiting for His child to lay all her burdens at His feet.

That was all.. And it's so freeing so liberating to know. I know there are somethings that I can't live with and some things that I can stand and it's not alright, that I can't change nor compromise. I can never take that city girl out of me, I can never live a life without my high heels, I can never take that maternal instinct out of me and I just have to embrace all of that, all of me that I think was not worthy of or not good enough for has to be dismissed simply cause I am, I am God's creation, I am His child.. I am proud to have what I have and be who I am.. Because His children are all perfect in His eyes. I feel so different, so free, so in awe in my Father's love.

A midnight thought

I was never a fan of Chinese New Year, always thought it was just a bunch of people trying really hard to keep in touch and making small talk. But just being away for one last year, made me realise how much I miss it. How much I enjoyed making small talk, being in the loop of people's life, and meeting people who I will never actually meet up with if not for something as significant as Chinese New Year.

I'm leaving for Perth soon and I really think this holiday came as a very timely one, not only cause my brain needed to take a vacation, but also for me to figure my direction in life, finding answers to questions that matter and in a very huge way, move on.

In terms of my career, I pretty much know where I'm going to be after I graduate and even though I'm not set on the specialisation, I know for sure God will lead me to it when it's time to decide. I now know things about myself that I never knew.. somehow, I think I got to know me better over the holidays. I've never felt more sure of myself. That said, I really thank God for blessing my life with the people around me and just overwhelming my life with new friends! How great is our God, how awesome is He! He really has my life planned out and written with His grace!

Reflections

A year has just gone by, so quickly and swiftly, leaving just trails of memories behind.. Some, like footprints in the sand, fading with the wind, yet others so deeply etched within the depths of my heart that it takes my breath away.

2010 ended with a blast, ending it in church with people I love and care about and most importantly, with the author and potter of my life.. God. He has just manifested in my life and transformed my heart and spirit to seek Him. I am just absolutely blessed by the revelation that He has chosen me and given me the grace of faith, that every moment of my life has been scripted and crafted by Him especially for me.

Last year just made me realise how wonderful and amazing God has been in my life, how He has so abundantly provided for me to be in Dental school, for my family to provide and support me through it and most of all, give me such a desire and love for Dentistry. I cannot explain just how blessed I am to be able to be able to Do what I love and be in Love with what I do.

Of course, 2010 has its little moments where I was teary eyed and nursing a somewhat "broken" heart. But it was also through these moments that I realised just what I need and do not need in my life.

So this year.. I'm making it a point to allow myself to be nicer to myself, to love myself that bit more and to finally take that step to know that I do deserve someone who loves me and treats me right. This year.. I'm keeping God's vision as my vision and in all that I do, Honor Him and glorify Him.

There's just so much going through my head right now that I think it deserves a post of it's own. As of now.. I'm feeling so torn, as always, coming home has made me realise just how much I love Singapore and why I love being home, yet at the same time, I can't wait to go back for school to start, simply cause.. I can't wait to start the thing I love and know it more.

2011!!! I'm coming for you with blazing faith and God's grace! This will be a good year!