My Father's Love

Being back down under for a week feels a little surreal, being in year 2 dentistry is amazing. It's one of the best gifts I have been given in my life! I think God has blessed me with such tremendous grace that I'm overwhelmed. I heard in church today, that grace is mercy of the undeserved love God has given. Indeed, He has been merciful.

I start year 2 with so many challenges yet at the same time feeling so refreshed and invigorated. Jadon's birth was such a good reminder that God is THE creator of all things and He has indeed prepared for us in our lives an amazing journey and has given us His kingdom. Whenever I look at him, I am reminded of just how blessed I am.. That God is such an amazing God.. How we can be conceived in the womb, how we grow in our mother's bodies, how a ball of cells just multiply, divide, differentiate to become us. How we were born so innocent, so blameless, yet bearing the weight of original sin.. How we become the way we are and receive the grace of faith to be justified, to be atoned. I think of all that and remember Christ dying on the cross for me, for my sins, just so that He can turn away God's wrath, so that I can be in His presence. I am just choking with emotion right now.

Jadon reminds me of so many things I'm not and at the same time, so many things I wanna be. A baby, so small, yet such a bundle of joy, a baby so tiny, yet evokes emotions in me I never knew I had. Every time i think of him, I'm reminded of how blessed i am. I love my little one to bits.

Being back in Singapore and just being around my family and friends, made me realise one single truth.. That I truly am Singaporean, there's no where else I'd call my home. At least after this holiday, I'm pretty sure I'm going back to Singapore to practice and I'm now just waiting for God to open the doors of specialisation for me.

I had the most amazing time back home.. I made new friends, found better friends in some and was just able to be blessed by their love. I know I've truly let things go and just be able to understand and answer so many questions. I was always troubled by the question of what God really wanted me to learn from my relationship with Chris, it was one where I was prayerful, it was one where I really waited on the Lord.. and one day, it just snapped in me that I finally know what now.

All my life I've always thought that anything's alright, I can compromise, I can get used to things, I can grow to love someone, I can grow to overlook all his faults.. But I think God just wanted me to tell Him what I truly felt, what I wanted. That I was not alright with certain things, that I had a list, that it was alright for me to bring these requests to Him. He wanted me to know that He was my Father, my Father who wants the best for me, a Father who wants to have these conversations with me.. A Father who was waiting for His child to lay all her burdens at His feet.

That was all.. And it's so freeing so liberating to know. I know there are somethings that I can't live with and some things that I can stand and it's not alright, that I can't change nor compromise. I can never take that city girl out of me, I can never live a life without my high heels, I can never take that maternal instinct out of me and I just have to embrace all of that, all of me that I think was not worthy of or not good enough for has to be dismissed simply cause I am, I am God's creation, I am His child.. I am proud to have what I have and be who I am.. Because His children are all perfect in His eyes. I feel so different, so free, so in awe in my Father's love.