Sometimes the most frustrating person is also the person you love.
It's just hard when family is the reason why I can't pursue life as freely as I want to. Perhaps it's the curse of being the little one, perhaps it's the curse from coming from a family that just needs control. Or perhaps it's because it's a family that still has yet to find God and the contentment in life that His grace and love brings.
I don't know. I wish I had answers to why parents are the way they are. I wish I had that rebel in me who would not care. I wish at times I could just break away and be the person I truly am and not live under the shadow of someone who thinks that she knows best.
Perhaps I haven't been home and no one can understand the me that I've become. But I just wish, so badly, for her to understand how much misery her so called "love" is putting me under. She wants me to be happy and have a wonderful life, but i wish so much for her to understand that we have a different yardstick that we measure happiness by. I don't want a life like hers, I don't ever want to be like her or live in so much fear of judgement. Sometimes I wish she would know that the only person I live for and am accountable to is God, and God alone. I honestly don't care what the world says as long as I know it's right with God.
Sometimes a pretty picture isn't always what it seems.
Friday, October 18, 2013
Sunday, September 1, 2013
A letter to me, from me
At 26, I can't say I'm old enough, but I'm not young either. I've made my fair share of mistakes and experiences, although not as vast as when I'm 50, but i think I've been through enough to want to give myself some advise, or rather, I wish I could teleport and tell myself these things when I was 15. So here's a letter from myself NOW, to me Then!
Dear Me,
Hello. Welcome to 15 years of life, it's me, from the future (cheesy, I know), but you'll get to realise and love how cheesy you can be in future. But anyway, 11 years on, I wish there were a few things someone told me that would have saved me a lot of trouble, so here I am, giving you a bit of insight to what you should know.
Truth about you
First of all, you have to come to terms with the fact that you will never be a popular kid in school, or ever for that matter, so don't try to be someone else you aren't to FIT in, cause you'd be better off finding your identity by being you and standing out. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
People won't like you for being polite and respectful to authority, but that's ok! Get used to being called "teacher's pet", "suck up", cause at the end of the day, the older generation will appreciate and love that quality in you, and you honestly won't have a problem getting older people on your side. (Just a peek into the future... being geriatric friendly will be in your favour!)
Secondly, YOU are a nerd, embrace it! You are also quite goofy, lame, cheesy, and not really the feminist you think of yourself to be now! yes, you don't need a man in your life, but you'll come to realise, life is sort of more fun with them around, especially when you've found the right one (now.. don't get too ahead of yourself, relationships are your thing, but we'll talk about that later).
Thirdly, don't second guess yourself. Don't question whether or not you can, just do it. Don't ask yourself if you're good enough, just go for it. If you have a passion in life and you want it, you'll chase for it, and chances are, you'll achieve it. You'll realize after the end of secondary school that if you put your head into something, you'd get it. Then again, please don't neglect your studies just because of Choir. (You probably will anyway. Oh well)
Fourthly, You have found God, or rather, God has found you. Truth is, He has already picked you from the beginning, why else would you be sent to a Christian school since you were 4? You will struggle with mom to go to church, you will find it hard to break away from what you have been brought up with, but stay strong, because it is your Faith that will bring you over the many tides, it is the love of God that will show you how much you are loved, find your identity in Him, in His perfect image of you. Don't doubt yourself, everyone else will tell you otherwise, they may bring you down, but find love, solace and comfort in His love for you. You'll realise, that's all you really need. =) everything else He gives you is out of grace and love.
Dreams
Dare to dream, be even more bold to achieve. Dare to take a leap, be even more courageous to pursue. Dare to believe, be brave to failure. You WILL find it hard to live your dream. Everyone may tell you, you can't do it, do something else... Do this, do that, you're good at this, you're good at that. But know where YOUR passion lies, know where God wants to take you and chase it. Because He has given you a desire so strong, you know He will take you across, He will make a way for you, so long as you trust in Him and persevere. You'll realise the most rewarding thing about your passion, is being able to share someone's life, is being able to give them something better, it is even more rewarding waking up, loving everyday, because it's never work when you love.
Grow in Christ, grow in His likeness and learn to love like He does. You'll realise in time to come that there are a lot of people out there who has never experienced His love, so do what you can to love them like He has loved you!
Family
Know what everyone's time on earth is finite. We all of a due by date, so treasure everyone you have around you. Especially gran, she's not as strong as she seems. Love them thinking that it would be their last every single day. Cause like me, you'll regret not loving them that little bit more!
Love mom and dad, you'll realise that they've put in a lot of effort to provide for you and give you the best, so be filial and be loving, be patient and forbearing. You'll realise you'll have a lot more people in your life whom you'll relate to as family, remember they are all people you will love, so let them know outwardly that you love them and care for them!
Relationships
Now.. I know you want to know who you'll be with and marry, but I don't know either. Or rather, I'm not married yet, but I have quite a clear idea of who I want to be married to. =) So yes.. Brings me to my point, don't break hearts. If I can turn back time, I'd have left relationships alone until I was more or less ready to commit.
Know that relationships take alot of work, time and effort. It doesn't happen magically like you think it would. Yes, it's easy to fall in love and be attracted to someone but maintaining a relationship takes effort, commitment, patience and forbearance. You will think that it should come easy, but it honestly doesn't. So don't break your heart and someone's heart because you're just in for fun when they aren't.
Also, you know you like good boys that look bad, so don't even try dating the "ideal" boy that mom wants you to date. He'll turn out to be your worse nightmare and honestly, a dickhead. So.. Just wait on that one special person who knows how to piece your broken heart together. He'll be everything you imagined you want to date but didn't think you were good enough for. And PROMISE, he's someone who can and will carry you (literally and figuratively) when you need him to.
So to my 15 year old me, enjoy life and enjoy God's providence of friends.. Cause you Will meet some friends in time to come who will bless your life so immensely, friends you know will be forever.
God Bless!
From,
Me
Dear Me,
Hello. Welcome to 15 years of life, it's me, from the future (cheesy, I know), but you'll get to realise and love how cheesy you can be in future. But anyway, 11 years on, I wish there were a few things someone told me that would have saved me a lot of trouble, so here I am, giving you a bit of insight to what you should know.
Truth about you
First of all, you have to come to terms with the fact that you will never be a popular kid in school, or ever for that matter, so don't try to be someone else you aren't to FIT in, cause you'd be better off finding your identity by being you and standing out. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
People won't like you for being polite and respectful to authority, but that's ok! Get used to being called "teacher's pet", "suck up", cause at the end of the day, the older generation will appreciate and love that quality in you, and you honestly won't have a problem getting older people on your side. (Just a peek into the future... being geriatric friendly will be in your favour!)
Secondly, YOU are a nerd, embrace it! You are also quite goofy, lame, cheesy, and not really the feminist you think of yourself to be now! yes, you don't need a man in your life, but you'll come to realise, life is sort of more fun with them around, especially when you've found the right one (now.. don't get too ahead of yourself, relationships are your thing, but we'll talk about that later).
Thirdly, don't second guess yourself. Don't question whether or not you can, just do it. Don't ask yourself if you're good enough, just go for it. If you have a passion in life and you want it, you'll chase for it, and chances are, you'll achieve it. You'll realize after the end of secondary school that if you put your head into something, you'd get it. Then again, please don't neglect your studies just because of Choir. (You probably will anyway. Oh well)
Fourthly, You have found God, or rather, God has found you. Truth is, He has already picked you from the beginning, why else would you be sent to a Christian school since you were 4? You will struggle with mom to go to church, you will find it hard to break away from what you have been brought up with, but stay strong, because it is your Faith that will bring you over the many tides, it is the love of God that will show you how much you are loved, find your identity in Him, in His perfect image of you. Don't doubt yourself, everyone else will tell you otherwise, they may bring you down, but find love, solace and comfort in His love for you. You'll realise, that's all you really need. =) everything else He gives you is out of grace and love.
Dreams
Dare to dream, be even more bold to achieve. Dare to take a leap, be even more courageous to pursue. Dare to believe, be brave to failure. You WILL find it hard to live your dream. Everyone may tell you, you can't do it, do something else... Do this, do that, you're good at this, you're good at that. But know where YOUR passion lies, know where God wants to take you and chase it. Because He has given you a desire so strong, you know He will take you across, He will make a way for you, so long as you trust in Him and persevere. You'll realise the most rewarding thing about your passion, is being able to share someone's life, is being able to give them something better, it is even more rewarding waking up, loving everyday, because it's never work when you love.
Grow in Christ, grow in His likeness and learn to love like He does. You'll realise in time to come that there are a lot of people out there who has never experienced His love, so do what you can to love them like He has loved you!
Family
Know what everyone's time on earth is finite. We all of a due by date, so treasure everyone you have around you. Especially gran, she's not as strong as she seems. Love them thinking that it would be their last every single day. Cause like me, you'll regret not loving them that little bit more!
Love mom and dad, you'll realise that they've put in a lot of effort to provide for you and give you the best, so be filial and be loving, be patient and forbearing. You'll realise you'll have a lot more people in your life whom you'll relate to as family, remember they are all people you will love, so let them know outwardly that you love them and care for them!
Relationships
Now.. I know you want to know who you'll be with and marry, but I don't know either. Or rather, I'm not married yet, but I have quite a clear idea of who I want to be married to. =) So yes.. Brings me to my point, don't break hearts. If I can turn back time, I'd have left relationships alone until I was more or less ready to commit.
Know that relationships take alot of work, time and effort. It doesn't happen magically like you think it would. Yes, it's easy to fall in love and be attracted to someone but maintaining a relationship takes effort, commitment, patience and forbearance. You will think that it should come easy, but it honestly doesn't. So don't break your heart and someone's heart because you're just in for fun when they aren't.
Also, you know you like good boys that look bad, so don't even try dating the "ideal" boy that mom wants you to date. He'll turn out to be your worse nightmare and honestly, a dickhead. So.. Just wait on that one special person who knows how to piece your broken heart together. He'll be everything you imagined you want to date but didn't think you were good enough for. And PROMISE, he's someone who can and will carry you (literally and figuratively) when you need him to.
So to my 15 year old me, enjoy life and enjoy God's providence of friends.. Cause you Will meet some friends in time to come who will bless your life so immensely, friends you know will be forever.
God Bless!
From,
Me
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Been awhile...
Someone casually mentioned to me today that I haven't blogged in ages. Yea, I actually haven't. It's not that there's nothing to write, but there's just so much to write, I don't even know where to begin. Should I write about my life, my dilemmas and bore you even more with dentistry? Or should I write about fun interesting things that are happening in my life... If it's the latter, then yea.. I would have NOTHING to write.
Don't get me wrong, dentistry is in it's way fun and interesting, the things that happen behind the scenes and the fun we have just being dental students. I suppose it's quite a skewed sense of fun, perhaps even geeky, but I guess that's what makes dental students such a special bunch.. Something's bound to happen when you put 60 Type A people together for 5 years.. We probably fuel each other to be more Type A than we already are.
Is fourth year hard? yea... in it's way, it's easy as well, cause it seems like we're stressed out constantly that the stress level has become chronic, so much so that the body adapts to it. I find my way to work around it, even though it ain't the best way, cause it would bite me in the bum most of the time, but I procrastinate when I can, or prioritize, to put it nicely.
I love what I'm doing, I love it even more that I get to directly help patients. working at lifecare has just opened my eyes to a few things that I was never conscious about, it's made me think a lot about what kind of clinician I want to be and what I don't want to be. It's made me find my bearings and come to realize that it's not so heeehee haha out there because someone's going to chase you for your bottomlines and I would have to make a decision of what I will do and what I will not do. If you're reading this and see me when I'm out practicing, and realized i've become a crazy money chasing dentist, I give you every right to chide me and knock some sense into me. Because the last thing I want, is to forgo the love for this craft and the help it can bring for something so menial like money.
This year has been really harsh to me emotionally. I guess when i get older in life, I've got to face up to the reality that death is imminent, but I just don't expect people around their 30's to pass so quickly and so suddenly. It's gripped my heart and burdened it with grief, for he was such a lovely man, so gentle and willing to share and teach, so sincere and so fervent for God. I guess the only consolation i have is that I know I will see him again one day and tell him how much he has blessed my life. this though, does not take away the pain of knowing that someone so wonderful has left.
That's just a short blurp on my life so far... nothing really fascinating on the whole, just a lot of... Such is life.. Make the most of it.
Don't get me wrong, dentistry is in it's way fun and interesting, the things that happen behind the scenes and the fun we have just being dental students. I suppose it's quite a skewed sense of fun, perhaps even geeky, but I guess that's what makes dental students such a special bunch.. Something's bound to happen when you put 60 Type A people together for 5 years.. We probably fuel each other to be more Type A than we already are.
Is fourth year hard? yea... in it's way, it's easy as well, cause it seems like we're stressed out constantly that the stress level has become chronic, so much so that the body adapts to it. I find my way to work around it, even though it ain't the best way, cause it would bite me in the bum most of the time, but I procrastinate when I can, or prioritize, to put it nicely.
I love what I'm doing, I love it even more that I get to directly help patients. working at lifecare has just opened my eyes to a few things that I was never conscious about, it's made me think a lot about what kind of clinician I want to be and what I don't want to be. It's made me find my bearings and come to realize that it's not so heeehee haha out there because someone's going to chase you for your bottomlines and I would have to make a decision of what I will do and what I will not do. If you're reading this and see me when I'm out practicing, and realized i've become a crazy money chasing dentist, I give you every right to chide me and knock some sense into me. Because the last thing I want, is to forgo the love for this craft and the help it can bring for something so menial like money.
This year has been really harsh to me emotionally. I guess when i get older in life, I've got to face up to the reality that death is imminent, but I just don't expect people around their 30's to pass so quickly and so suddenly. It's gripped my heart and burdened it with grief, for he was such a lovely man, so gentle and willing to share and teach, so sincere and so fervent for God. I guess the only consolation i have is that I know I will see him again one day and tell him how much he has blessed my life. this though, does not take away the pain of knowing that someone so wonderful has left.
That's just a short blurp on my life so far... nothing really fascinating on the whole, just a lot of... Such is life.. Make the most of it.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Coming full circle
I'm in the middle of my exams, I should really be studying, but just taking a step back, I realise I'm not exactly at the end/middle of my exams, in fact, this is just the beginning of a crazy ride. I've had 6 exams so for for semester one, not really including the mid semester ones, but anyway, 2 more to go, then 10 days back home, early start to the clinic life, the one exam, 2 assignments due, then a string of case presentations, exam again and our final fourth year exams in October.. THIRTEEN i think. Now... If someone were to say to me again, "how hard can drilling teeth be"... I can only say... "Good luck trying to fix it yourself!"
I have no regrets whatsoever embarking on this amazing journey I now call a blessing. I cannot describe the amount of stress and the ever present looming sense of failure when I'm trying to keep up with my requirements, they don't seem a lot for each speciality, but cumulatively with our clinic hours cut back, it's quite an uphill battle, (that, mind you, half of the previous year could not achieve with about 30 more clinical hours).. so that gives me great delight and hope knowing that I have set foot on the fourth year of my course trying to do what a lot of people can't.
It's interesting how I have this immense baggage on my shoulders and yet I feel this lightness in my heart, this joy, this immense joy in my heart because four years ago, it was bleeding so hard just to get into dentistry. I'd just like to take a minute to analyze this joy in my heart... is it the sense of satisfaction? the knowledge that I'm probably 7/10 of my way through the degree? Is it the immense love for my patients and for the fact that I can help make a difference in their lives and they too, have value added mine? Is it the child like spirit in me that loves making stuff, moulding and waxing, carving and fixing, like mini DIY projects? Perhaps it is, it probably is all of it. But I know most of all, I have such joy under such stressful circumstances because I know and I finally understand what it means when I say, "God has got my back". And He has. He has been faithful when I am not, He has been gracious when I've been rebellious, He has been merciful when I turned away, He has been patient when I've questioned Him, He loves me even in my most sinful state and I know He has given me this wonderful answer to my calling because He saw just how much I wanted it.
I know He has brought me so far, carried me through this time only to bring me closer to Him. It takes every ounce of my breath away knowing that He, the creator of all things, would do so much just to love me, just to bring me back to Him, to draw me closer to Him. Perhaps you wouldn't understand what this whole "God loves me so much" thing is about, but I can only pray that you, who is reading this post, will experience the same kind of overwhelming love that I have experienced. He's the one who matters, and the very fact that the one who matters loves me for who I am and for all the sins that I have done and will do, and still see the perfection in me when I'm like a broken bowl fallen to pieces, means that I, the broken fragments of a bowl is pieced together again and made new because of His sacrifice.
You wonder.. so what has this got to do with dentistry right? I can tell you, without His strength, I wouldn't have made it through the first year, without His grace, I wouldn't even have made it to dental school, without His providence, I wouldn't have the luxury to be studying here without any financial struggles, without God, I am nothing.
Perhaps this is growing up, it's about finally understanding the blessings you have and being grateful for them. It is knowing that you have so much more purpose in Life than what the world wants you to believe. Perhaps this is finding myself in God and not being drawn away by the mundane matters of the world, the numbers on the scale, the next new fashion trend, the next new makeup style, the hottest gossip, the snidest remarks, the wildest parties or the social scene. Perhaps this is what it feels like to know your calling, to pursue your calling, to want excellence in what you do because you know it is by grace that you're doing it. I'm doing what I love, because He loves me, and because He loves me, I love what I'm doing. That's my full circle moment during the exams. I hope you find yours too.
I have no regrets whatsoever embarking on this amazing journey I now call a blessing. I cannot describe the amount of stress and the ever present looming sense of failure when I'm trying to keep up with my requirements, they don't seem a lot for each speciality, but cumulatively with our clinic hours cut back, it's quite an uphill battle, (that, mind you, half of the previous year could not achieve with about 30 more clinical hours).. so that gives me great delight and hope knowing that I have set foot on the fourth year of my course trying to do what a lot of people can't.
It's interesting how I have this immense baggage on my shoulders and yet I feel this lightness in my heart, this joy, this immense joy in my heart because four years ago, it was bleeding so hard just to get into dentistry. I'd just like to take a minute to analyze this joy in my heart... is it the sense of satisfaction? the knowledge that I'm probably 7/10 of my way through the degree? Is it the immense love for my patients and for the fact that I can help make a difference in their lives and they too, have value added mine? Is it the child like spirit in me that loves making stuff, moulding and waxing, carving and fixing, like mini DIY projects? Perhaps it is, it probably is all of it. But I know most of all, I have such joy under such stressful circumstances because I know and I finally understand what it means when I say, "God has got my back". And He has. He has been faithful when I am not, He has been gracious when I've been rebellious, He has been merciful when I turned away, He has been patient when I've questioned Him, He loves me even in my most sinful state and I know He has given me this wonderful answer to my calling because He saw just how much I wanted it.
I know He has brought me so far, carried me through this time only to bring me closer to Him. It takes every ounce of my breath away knowing that He, the creator of all things, would do so much just to love me, just to bring me back to Him, to draw me closer to Him. Perhaps you wouldn't understand what this whole "God loves me so much" thing is about, but I can only pray that you, who is reading this post, will experience the same kind of overwhelming love that I have experienced. He's the one who matters, and the very fact that the one who matters loves me for who I am and for all the sins that I have done and will do, and still see the perfection in me when I'm like a broken bowl fallen to pieces, means that I, the broken fragments of a bowl is pieced together again and made new because of His sacrifice.
You wonder.. so what has this got to do with dentistry right? I can tell you, without His strength, I wouldn't have made it through the first year, without His grace, I wouldn't even have made it to dental school, without His providence, I wouldn't have the luxury to be studying here without any financial struggles, without God, I am nothing.
Perhaps this is growing up, it's about finally understanding the blessings you have and being grateful for them. It is knowing that you have so much more purpose in Life than what the world wants you to believe. Perhaps this is finding myself in God and not being drawn away by the mundane matters of the world, the numbers on the scale, the next new fashion trend, the next new makeup style, the hottest gossip, the snidest remarks, the wildest parties or the social scene. Perhaps this is what it feels like to know your calling, to pursue your calling, to want excellence in what you do because you know it is by grace that you're doing it. I'm doing what I love, because He loves me, and because He loves me, I love what I'm doing. That's my full circle moment during the exams. I hope you find yours too.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Reality
Right. I haven't typed/written in ages. I haven't been BUSY, not drive me crazy kind of busy, but busy enough to not have time for myself to write. Then again, I think i didn't write cause I don't know where to begin, what to write, because life seems to have overwhelmed me. It does sound silly, doesn't it? How a 26 year old can be overwhelmed by life, it is then that I realized, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate things in my life, to prioritize, to see exactly what is important, the people who you should care about and what you should spend your time on.
The past three months saw a birth and death, it brought the reminder of the purpose on earth and the reminder of immense grace, it brought me to tears, both joy and sorrow, it saw me filled, to be emptied again, it saw me relying on the only truth I believe in, because it was only in that truth did I know I exist.
The birth of Jerome (my 2nd nephew) brought me so much joy, the thought that I would return home in June to another squirming bundle of joy just brings the smile to my face. At the same time, I said goodbye to a mentor, a friend, a role model, an honourable man whose candle burned out before it should. The shock that gripped me, that someone I said goodbye to that evening would pass on that very night. The seemingly healthy and bubbly grandfatherly like man had just gone.
They say, "God only takes the good ones" and it made me think, perhaps death is not something to be afraid of. Life on earth is where suffering lies and our life with God is what, as Christians, should bring us joy. Passing of someone so respected saddened me, but it also reminded me of how forgetful I am of God's grace, of Christ's death on the cross that redeemed me, He died and rose again, He conquered death, so that we won't have to fear death.
I don't expect anyone to agree with me, losing someone is no doubt a painful experience, but I think what "death" forgets, is that every time it robs us of someone precious, we don't lose part of ourselves, but we grow stronger because of the legacy the person has left us, because of the memories that will live within us. In fact, death doesn't take someone away, it gives that person eternity in our memories. Does "death" not realize that it's losing its grip, that we get more and more resilient with each person it takes away? Does death not realize that it has been conquered?
I know at the end of the day, when my time on earth has passed, I will be with God because He sent His son to die, so I can live.
I guess that's why I haven't really wrote, because I know it won't be of anything jolly or fun, nothing humorous or exciting, just simply reality.
Reality is that I do take life for granted each day, I take the very essence of breathing for granted. I take grace for granted because I don't seek to live the great commission. I take my loved ones for granted because I know... I still have time. But these recent events have just made me think.. Do I really? Sometimes I wish Dentistry would be over soon, so I can start living and stop worrying about "uni". But would I really start living, or be sucked into the hum drum of working life and the pursuit for that white picket fence? It pains me to think that everyday I'm living now, is a life that seems selfish, hollow and shallow.. A life so that I may have a better future, then.. am I truly living now?
I want to live a life that not just about "me", but I can't afford the energy, the effort and the love to. I want to be connected to my friends, but I run through my list and realize that there aren't many that I'm living LIFE with. I realize how empty my friendships run, running on memories, past experiences, cards, letters, "hi's", "byes' and meet ups, but none I live my life with. I realize my family is all over the globe, my first cousins I barely meet, my family I see once every year, I realize how much time I've spent away from people that matter and it saddens me.
This truly is not me being emotional, but coming to realize that reality is actually much closer than I think. And reality should empower me to strive, but it too, scares me.
The past three months saw a birth and death, it brought the reminder of the purpose on earth and the reminder of immense grace, it brought me to tears, both joy and sorrow, it saw me filled, to be emptied again, it saw me relying on the only truth I believe in, because it was only in that truth did I know I exist.
The birth of Jerome (my 2nd nephew) brought me so much joy, the thought that I would return home in June to another squirming bundle of joy just brings the smile to my face. At the same time, I said goodbye to a mentor, a friend, a role model, an honourable man whose candle burned out before it should. The shock that gripped me, that someone I said goodbye to that evening would pass on that very night. The seemingly healthy and bubbly grandfatherly like man had just gone.
They say, "God only takes the good ones" and it made me think, perhaps death is not something to be afraid of. Life on earth is where suffering lies and our life with God is what, as Christians, should bring us joy. Passing of someone so respected saddened me, but it also reminded me of how forgetful I am of God's grace, of Christ's death on the cross that redeemed me, He died and rose again, He conquered death, so that we won't have to fear death.
I don't expect anyone to agree with me, losing someone is no doubt a painful experience, but I think what "death" forgets, is that every time it robs us of someone precious, we don't lose part of ourselves, but we grow stronger because of the legacy the person has left us, because of the memories that will live within us. In fact, death doesn't take someone away, it gives that person eternity in our memories. Does "death" not realize that it's losing its grip, that we get more and more resilient with each person it takes away? Does death not realize that it has been conquered?
I know at the end of the day, when my time on earth has passed, I will be with God because He sent His son to die, so I can live.
I guess that's why I haven't really wrote, because I know it won't be of anything jolly or fun, nothing humorous or exciting, just simply reality.
Reality is that I do take life for granted each day, I take the very essence of breathing for granted. I take grace for granted because I don't seek to live the great commission. I take my loved ones for granted because I know... I still have time. But these recent events have just made me think.. Do I really? Sometimes I wish Dentistry would be over soon, so I can start living and stop worrying about "uni". But would I really start living, or be sucked into the hum drum of working life and the pursuit for that white picket fence? It pains me to think that everyday I'm living now, is a life that seems selfish, hollow and shallow.. A life so that I may have a better future, then.. am I truly living now?
I want to live a life that not just about "me", but I can't afford the energy, the effort and the love to. I want to be connected to my friends, but I run through my list and realize that there aren't many that I'm living LIFE with. I realize how empty my friendships run, running on memories, past experiences, cards, letters, "hi's", "byes' and meet ups, but none I live my life with. I realize my family is all over the globe, my first cousins I barely meet, my family I see once every year, I realize how much time I've spent away from people that matter and it saddens me.
This truly is not me being emotional, but coming to realize that reality is actually much closer than I think. And reality should empower me to strive, but it too, scares me.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Rest
I haven't written anything since the start of 2013. I'm alive people!
Perhaps you can say I've been too busy, with uni, with lab work and life in general. I know I'm doing what I love and I know why I'm doing it, but sometimes I can't help but be challenged to ask myself, is what I'm busy with truly what God wants me to be busy with? You may think it's bizarre, how can a calling be something that isn't from God.
Let's put it this way, the calling for dentistry is from God, but what I do to get through it, how I choose to use my time and handle situations may not be.. Simply cause I'm human and I'm not perfect.
Which is why during this one week mid semester break, I decide to not do anything dent related unless I had to. I wanted to restore my heart and my brain and start of on the right foot with Godly intentions for my patients and for myself.. Perhaps it's a long overdue post on what's happening in my life, trust me, it will come, when... I find the time. But for now, I believe I want to rest in God and be restored.
Perhaps you can say I've been too busy, with uni, with lab work and life in general. I know I'm doing what I love and I know why I'm doing it, but sometimes I can't help but be challenged to ask myself, is what I'm busy with truly what God wants me to be busy with? You may think it's bizarre, how can a calling be something that isn't from God.
Let's put it this way, the calling for dentistry is from God, but what I do to get through it, how I choose to use my time and handle situations may not be.. Simply cause I'm human and I'm not perfect.
Which is why during this one week mid semester break, I decide to not do anything dent related unless I had to. I wanted to restore my heart and my brain and start of on the right foot with Godly intentions for my patients and for myself.. Perhaps it's a long overdue post on what's happening in my life, trust me, it will come, when... I find the time. But for now, I believe I want to rest in God and be restored.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
From dentistry, with love
I have never, NEVER been so tired and stressed out in my life. Really.
Not O's, not A's, not even uni days.
The last week of October to the end of November is just all about assessment after assessment, exam after exam. I'm not kidding, just the sheer content and volume of things that we have to know is just insane. What's worse is that every freaking exam is a barrier, ie: you can't afford to fail. It just all adds up.
To be really honest, I've never put in so much effort into a semester as I did this one. I was keeping up with lectures and notes and it still isn't enough. I don't know. I'm just really really tired.
I love this, I won't trade this for the world, but I really am knackered. To my bones, no wait, not even that, to my marrow. Countdowns for an exam have never been THAT long, that tedious.
I don't know many who would understand what I'm going through, and I don't wish this upon anyone either. It's almost so hard to comprehend for non-dentally related people to why a profession about teeth would require that much effort, THAT much studying.
This is not just a matter about dexterity, practical abilities and patient management. It's is ALL of that and complex hospital politics and insane amounts of theory that you have to read up, on your own. If you haven't been taught and it's examined, TOO BAD FOR YOU, cause this is dentistry and they don't have all the time to teach you, you should have read up on your own.
This is a course that requires you to pull in about 36 to 40 contact hours, 30 hours in good weeks, out of which, 4 to 6 hours are spent in lectures. ONLY THAT.. and the rest, in clinic, in lab and in the library planning for your next patient. I don't know why/how they expect us to do our own "STUDY" outside of school.. I can try to cover lecture materials, but I barely have enough time left to breathe and to do that extra reading up. seriously.
I know guys.. "It's just teeth right?" just think for one second, at the end of 5 years, I have to independently provide treatment for you, in your mouth, for a whole range of problems. We have to be trained to be GOOD ENOUGH for that. Doctors have their internships and residency to make their mistakes and learn, but we.. We're on our own. and you don't want us to stuff up.
I really am awfully tired. Best end of the year present, from dentistry.. with love.
Not O's, not A's, not even uni days.
The last week of October to the end of November is just all about assessment after assessment, exam after exam. I'm not kidding, just the sheer content and volume of things that we have to know is just insane. What's worse is that every freaking exam is a barrier, ie: you can't afford to fail. It just all adds up.
To be really honest, I've never put in so much effort into a semester as I did this one. I was keeping up with lectures and notes and it still isn't enough. I don't know. I'm just really really tired.
I love this, I won't trade this for the world, but I really am knackered. To my bones, no wait, not even that, to my marrow. Countdowns for an exam have never been THAT long, that tedious.
I don't know many who would understand what I'm going through, and I don't wish this upon anyone either. It's almost so hard to comprehend for non-dentally related people to why a profession about teeth would require that much effort, THAT much studying.
This is not just a matter about dexterity, practical abilities and patient management. It's is ALL of that and complex hospital politics and insane amounts of theory that you have to read up, on your own. If you haven't been taught and it's examined, TOO BAD FOR YOU, cause this is dentistry and they don't have all the time to teach you, you should have read up on your own.
This is a course that requires you to pull in about 36 to 40 contact hours, 30 hours in good weeks, out of which, 4 to 6 hours are spent in lectures. ONLY THAT.. and the rest, in clinic, in lab and in the library planning for your next patient. I don't know why/how they expect us to do our own "STUDY" outside of school.. I can try to cover lecture materials, but I barely have enough time left to breathe and to do that extra reading up. seriously.
I know guys.. "It's just teeth right?" just think for one second, at the end of 5 years, I have to independently provide treatment for you, in your mouth, for a whole range of problems. We have to be trained to be GOOD ENOUGH for that. Doctors have their internships and residency to make their mistakes and learn, but we.. We're on our own. and you don't want us to stuff up.
I really am awfully tired. Best end of the year present, from dentistry.. with love.
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