I really Thank God for Grace Methodist and Esther. Somehow at church service today, Simon was telling the congregation that he could sense that there were many in the midst who were going through emotional adversity and he was sharing with us that no matter how big the problem may seem to be, we ought to have faith and believe that God has a way for us, one that is perfect in its own right.
A way that may seem arduous, but at the end of the day, His path, as small and as obscure as it seems now, will unravel to show His majestic plan for us. Of course the end results are important, but the journey to it is equally important. Who we touch, who we reach out to and an arduous journey to us may be something that God will use to reach out to others as well.
It spoke to me. Loads.
As we were singing "We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the word of Your testimony.." I couldn't help but tear, because I know I will overcome by the Grace of the Lord.
Of course, I was relating some of my struggles to Esther and I seriously was a wreck.. I couldn't stop my tears. I honestly tried to not cry but they just started flowing. But she was really patient and gave me really good advise. I know that what ever it is, He will carry me through it all.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Sunday, June 7, 2009
hoping for a tale
I'm on the verge of partial breakdown and complete insanity. I kinda try as hard as possible not to show just how stressed out I am, but some times it's just really tough. Trying to put on a smile despite having so much going through my mind.
There are, of course, many things that I give thanks for but there's just a lot of dilemma in my life and whatever I choose, it's going to be a gamble that I have to take and its consequences I have to face.
I haven't been able to sleep for weeks, hence the time at which I'm typing this is 4a.m.. I tried to sleep, or rather, tire myself to sleep.. My treadmill is morphing into my closest confidante.
And I just found out something new about me today. I am a WEEPER. Really. Or maybe it is me feeling emotionally vulnerable now, that I weep at practically everything on TV that is sad, touching or when I see someone else cry and I am actually quite amused.
Anyway, while I was running just now, I caught "You've got mail", for the hundredth time, I think. I just never, NEVER get bored of the show and shows like Pride and Prejudice. I've watched them a million times and I love it.
Or maybe, it's just a part of me that wishes that I could find someone like they do. Someone who knows them better than they do, can read their instincts and complete their sentences. Maybe it's the dream of being able to actually find a soul mate that attracts me to these shows, and the language they use in Pride and Prejudice. My goodness.. Mr Darcy and his arrogance yet so gentle and vulnerable in the presence of a woman who has bewitched him, mind, body and soul.
Well, all I can say is that Life isn't a movie and doesn't have a fairytale ending and probably that's why I will always be captivated by such movies. If only I can have a tale of my own..
There are, of course, many things that I give thanks for but there's just a lot of dilemma in my life and whatever I choose, it's going to be a gamble that I have to take and its consequences I have to face.
I haven't been able to sleep for weeks, hence the time at which I'm typing this is 4a.m.. I tried to sleep, or rather, tire myself to sleep.. My treadmill is morphing into my closest confidante.
And I just found out something new about me today. I am a WEEPER. Really. Or maybe it is me feeling emotionally vulnerable now, that I weep at practically everything on TV that is sad, touching or when I see someone else cry and I am actually quite amused.
Anyway, while I was running just now, I caught "You've got mail", for the hundredth time, I think. I just never, NEVER get bored of the show and shows like Pride and Prejudice. I've watched them a million times and I love it.
Or maybe, it's just a part of me that wishes that I could find someone like they do. Someone who knows them better than they do, can read their instincts and complete their sentences. Maybe it's the dream of being able to actually find a soul mate that attracts me to these shows, and the language they use in Pride and Prejudice. My goodness.. Mr Darcy and his arrogance yet so gentle and vulnerable in the presence of a woman who has bewitched him, mind, body and soul.
Well, all I can say is that Life isn't a movie and doesn't have a fairytale ending and probably that's why I will always be captivated by such movies. If only I can have a tale of my own..
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
something to think about
I haven't had a day of peace since I got my results last Friday. Not that my results were bad, in fact, this semester's was pretty ok. I Thank God for that. Like I previously said, this was the one time where I felt the least prepared for an exam yet I felt so at ease during it. It can only be God's Grace.
Apart from that bit of consolation, it has been an emotional ride the past few days. It's like, having to decide my future in such a short span of time. It's a decision I have to make that will chart the course of my life, where I would go, who I would meet, what I would do and the kind of life I would be living.
If you ask me.. I wanna be a dentist. I truly do. I'm not being stubborn, I just know that I would be able to help people and reach out the the underprivileged. I mean, I don't doubt that some get into this profession because they love it, others, simply cause having the "DR" in front of their name is a form of status symbol. While others are in it for pragmatic reasons. For me, I want to be in it to be able to help others experience the same change I felt. A change that was from well and deep within. Because I know how life changing it is and because I know how blessed I am, I wanna be able to share this blessing and gift with others. It's as simple as that. Yet, why is it so hard to believe?
I'm going to try my hardest, exhaust all possible means to do this. But if.. at the end of the day, I still fail, at least I fail dignified that I've given it my best and I have no regrets.
I got a verbal offer to the Hotel School Sydney, it's a business admin course concentrating in hotel management. I had an interview with the administrator and she didn't bother asking me about my grades, she just knew I had a BSc and she offered me a place. I don't know what she saw, but I believe she saw something in me that I never knew I had. "You're the kind of student we're looking for" were her exact words.
This is my greatest dilemma, do I give up fighting for something I love so much because there is such a wide open invitation for me? Or do I enrol myself for a course that doesn't guarantee me a place in dentistry, but only a place in health sciences, and see how I do for the first year? you know.. I'm at a loss.. An internal struggle.
With all the "What If's" just popping into my head.. all the questions about what is meant for me. I know God has a plan for all of us and He gives us choices.. But I honestly don't know which ones to choose cause it's been a tough journey and most of the time, it hasn't been easy making that choice.
What then should I do?
The next question others ask me, is whether I am up to be in the hotel line, simply cause it's so different from being a dentist. True. But it's the second thing that I am that bit confident of doing and excelling. Service is never a problem for me, but people doubt my abilities to face the ugly side of life, cause of the impression they have of me.. Maybe an impression that I'm sheltered and spoilt?
To be honest, I don't ever think so. If there's something I eat, it's the humble pie. What I have, what my parents give me and provide for me.. it's all because of God's grace. But it didn't come without effort. I saw how hard my parents had to work, our line of work is something that is more humbling and more taxing than anything. It's in no way glamorous nor easy, working 12 to 18 hours a day is the norm. Waking up at 3am to supply our clients is something that happens every other day.
In what way am I spoilt and sheltered? No doubt, my parents are strict with me, I have rules to follow and abide, But often, how many children my age actually listen and not revolt and rebel? I abide not because I have to, but because I want to.
I know how ugly the world is, I know how pragmatic it is. I've seen it all. That doesn't mean I have to live my life the way the world shapes it and THAT doesn't make me sheltered.
These are things that I don't seem to understand. what's the world coming to? where Clubbing puts you in the "in" crowd and smoking is perceived as cool. Drinking till your liver fails is the common hobby and catching up with friends is done on a dance floor in a club with loud pounding music? Explain to me which of these make any logical sense?
The fact that I choose a life that is NOT like that doesn't make me sheltered, it just means I have more logical sense and probably just a different perception in life and for life. For those who ask me.. "So what on earth do you do if you don't do all of the above" all I can say.. is I Live my life and do things that YOU don't.
Apart from that bit of consolation, it has been an emotional ride the past few days. It's like, having to decide my future in such a short span of time. It's a decision I have to make that will chart the course of my life, where I would go, who I would meet, what I would do and the kind of life I would be living.
If you ask me.. I wanna be a dentist. I truly do. I'm not being stubborn, I just know that I would be able to help people and reach out the the underprivileged. I mean, I don't doubt that some get into this profession because they love it, others, simply cause having the "DR" in front of their name is a form of status symbol. While others are in it for pragmatic reasons. For me, I want to be in it to be able to help others experience the same change I felt. A change that was from well and deep within. Because I know how life changing it is and because I know how blessed I am, I wanna be able to share this blessing and gift with others. It's as simple as that. Yet, why is it so hard to believe?
I'm going to try my hardest, exhaust all possible means to do this. But if.. at the end of the day, I still fail, at least I fail dignified that I've given it my best and I have no regrets.
I got a verbal offer to the Hotel School Sydney, it's a business admin course concentrating in hotel management. I had an interview with the administrator and she didn't bother asking me about my grades, she just knew I had a BSc and she offered me a place. I don't know what she saw, but I believe she saw something in me that I never knew I had. "You're the kind of student we're looking for" were her exact words.
This is my greatest dilemma, do I give up fighting for something I love so much because there is such a wide open invitation for me? Or do I enrol myself for a course that doesn't guarantee me a place in dentistry, but only a place in health sciences, and see how I do for the first year? you know.. I'm at a loss.. An internal struggle.
With all the "What If's" just popping into my head.. all the questions about what is meant for me. I know God has a plan for all of us and He gives us choices.. But I honestly don't know which ones to choose cause it's been a tough journey and most of the time, it hasn't been easy making that choice.
What then should I do?
The next question others ask me, is whether I am up to be in the hotel line, simply cause it's so different from being a dentist. True. But it's the second thing that I am that bit confident of doing and excelling. Service is never a problem for me, but people doubt my abilities to face the ugly side of life, cause of the impression they have of me.. Maybe an impression that I'm sheltered and spoilt?
To be honest, I don't ever think so. If there's something I eat, it's the humble pie. What I have, what my parents give me and provide for me.. it's all because of God's grace. But it didn't come without effort. I saw how hard my parents had to work, our line of work is something that is more humbling and more taxing than anything. It's in no way glamorous nor easy, working 12 to 18 hours a day is the norm. Waking up at 3am to supply our clients is something that happens every other day.
In what way am I spoilt and sheltered? No doubt, my parents are strict with me, I have rules to follow and abide, But often, how many children my age actually listen and not revolt and rebel? I abide not because I have to, but because I want to.
I know how ugly the world is, I know how pragmatic it is. I've seen it all. That doesn't mean I have to live my life the way the world shapes it and THAT doesn't make me sheltered.
These are things that I don't seem to understand. what's the world coming to? where Clubbing puts you in the "in" crowd and smoking is perceived as cool. Drinking till your liver fails is the common hobby and catching up with friends is done on a dance floor in a club with loud pounding music? Explain to me which of these make any logical sense?
The fact that I choose a life that is NOT like that doesn't make me sheltered, it just means I have more logical sense and probably just a different perception in life and for life. For those who ask me.. "So what on earth do you do if you don't do all of the above" all I can say.. is I Live my life and do things that YOU don't.
Monday, June 1, 2009
A journey
Do you know how it feels to have doors closed shut right into your face? To be in a place where all openings seem to close shut? To be in a room where you see no light, where the path isn't bleak, just non existent?
When everyone tells you, "hey, why are you so persistent about something? Maybe it's just not for you. Maybe it's not in your life? maybe it's not God's will for you."
So what.. When all doors shut, it just means you give up?
Or should you give it your all, exhaust all methods, even if it means scraping at the wall so that that you can get a ray of light? I would do just that. Not because I'm stubborn, but because I believe.
What happens when that fails too? Do I give up?
What happens when something unexpected happens? When someone sees you in this room and thinks that you fit the bill of just what they are looking for? Do you jump at this window when it's not the one that you'll jump right out from?
What happens if you've struggled so hard to battle the disappointment and take a different route in life, do you then fight for it when someone else tries to dampen it?
I seriously have no idea. I don't think anyone will. I don't think anyone, remotely on this planet knows how I feel right now. The pain.. it's just excruciating. I don't expect anyone to understand, but pushing my limits and expecting me to smile and act as if everything is alright is so hard. Having to put up a strong front, taking all the blame, because it is, in every aspect.. my fault. There is only me to blame, no one else. Yet the pressure to face disappointments gracefully, with a smile and trying to find a silver lining through this is just so tough.
I try to. I really do. I wish I had answers, but I don't. I wish I could have the courage, but I'm trying to get it out of every single cell I have, but it's an exhaustive resource.
I wanna say I quit. I wanna give up.. But I've come too far to give up and I never have, even in adversity. I don't wanna make this my first.
When everyone tells you, "hey, why are you so persistent about something? Maybe it's just not for you. Maybe it's not in your life? maybe it's not God's will for you."
So what.. When all doors shut, it just means you give up?
Or should you give it your all, exhaust all methods, even if it means scraping at the wall so that that you can get a ray of light? I would do just that. Not because I'm stubborn, but because I believe.
What happens when that fails too? Do I give up?
What happens when something unexpected happens? When someone sees you in this room and thinks that you fit the bill of just what they are looking for? Do you jump at this window when it's not the one that you'll jump right out from?
What happens if you've struggled so hard to battle the disappointment and take a different route in life, do you then fight for it when someone else tries to dampen it?
I seriously have no idea. I don't think anyone will. I don't think anyone, remotely on this planet knows how I feel right now. The pain.. it's just excruciating. I don't expect anyone to understand, but pushing my limits and expecting me to smile and act as if everything is alright is so hard. Having to put up a strong front, taking all the blame, because it is, in every aspect.. my fault. There is only me to blame, no one else. Yet the pressure to face disappointments gracefully, with a smile and trying to find a silver lining through this is just so tough.
I try to. I really do. I wish I had answers, but I don't. I wish I could have the courage, but I'm trying to get it out of every single cell I have, but it's an exhaustive resource.
I wanna say I quit. I wanna give up.. But I've come too far to give up and I never have, even in adversity. I don't wanna make this my first.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
P.U.S.H - I AM!
Was checking through my email, (finally!!!!) and chanced upon this sent to me by my uncle. I know many kinda frown at forwarded mails, but I loved this one. I've heard the abbreviation PUSH before but in a different story, hope you'll like this one! All I can say is that we should NEVER underestimate the power of prayer!
P.U.S.H
A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and the Savior appeared.
The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. So this the man did; day after day.
For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down; his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Since the man was showing signs of discouragement, the Adversary decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the man's weary mind: "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it."
Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure.
These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. "Why kill myself over this?" he thought." I'll just put in my time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough."
And that is what he planned to do, until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.
"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"
The Lord responded compassionately, "My son, when I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all your strength; which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But is that really so?
Look at yourself...Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your hands are calloused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard.Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. This you have done. Now I, my son, will move the rock."
Dear Beloved, at times when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just simple obedience and faith in Him. Even though in the short term we do not see how our works are affecting God's kingdom, He will show us in His own way that every area in serving God makes us stronger and in this obedience God will promote us into a higher ministry and this cycle will continue itself; if we faint not and continue on the path the Lord has set us upon. (Read 2 Corinthians 4:16-17)
When everything seems to go wrong ... just P.U.S.H!
When the job gets you down ... just P.U.S.H!
When your money looks "gone" and the bills are due ... just P.U.S.H!
When people just don't understand you...Just P.U.S.H!
P.U.S.H - Pray Until Something Happens!
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
P.U.S.H
A man was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light, and the Savior appeared.
The Lord told the man he had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. So this the man did; day after day.
For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down; his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might. Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain.
Since the man was showing signs of discouragement, the Adversary decided to enter the picture by placing thoughts into the man's weary mind: "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it."
Thus, giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure.
These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man. "Why kill myself over this?" he thought." I'll just put in my time, giving just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough."
And that is what he planned to do, until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.
"Lord," he said, "I have labored long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?"
The Lord responded compassionately, "My son, when I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all your strength; which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push. And now you come to me with your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But is that really so?
Look at yourself...Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewy and brown, your hands are calloused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard.Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. This you have done. Now I, my son, will move the rock."
Dear Beloved, at times when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect to decipher what He wants, when actually what God wants is just simple obedience and faith in Him. Even though in the short term we do not see how our works are affecting God's kingdom, He will show us in His own way that every area in serving God makes us stronger and in this obedience God will promote us into a higher ministry and this cycle will continue itself; if we faint not and continue on the path the Lord has set us upon. (Read 2 Corinthians 4:16-17)
When everything seems to go wrong ... just P.U.S.H!
When the job gets you down ... just P.U.S.H!
When your money looks "gone" and the bills are due ... just P.U.S.H!
When people just don't understand you...Just P.U.S.H!
P.U.S.H - Pray Until Something Happens!
Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Books and more Books!
I haven't caught the show, but I'm just starting to read the book, "He's just not that into you". It's the type of book that I'd call, braintertainment. At least you're actively reading something. Anyway, let's try not to digress here!!!
YES! READ the book if you're free, cause I'm just into page 50 and I'm entertained. It's hilarious, the way he, Greg, so brutally retorts girls who gives excuses for their man or man to be! What I've learnt so far, as long as you have to find excuses for the guy.. well.. you complete the sentence.. "He's just not that into you". Doesn't take a genius to know that!
Yes, I'm blogging and reading between my papers! Hey.. I need a break too right!
Another book that I think EVERYONE should read, I've blogged about that too, and NOW this STYLE genius has his own show! LOVE HIM! Tim Gunn's book, A Guide to Quality, Taste and Style! I mean, that guy can make a rocker look elegant and sophisticated! That's what we WANT right?! Look good at the right time, at the right place! Three Cheers to Tim Gunn!
So once you're done with Braintertainment, Fashion.. head on to more serious books.. Two good reads are:
Barrack Obama's: Change we can believe in
and
Malcolm Gladwell's: OUTLIERS!
Both fantastic reads!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Time will tell
Exams are coming up and revision is up to my neck. I know this is my last lap and deserves my best effort, but I cannot help but feel so burdened. On my back, the weight of expectations and weighing my heart down, my dream and my desires.
I spoke to someone the other day, one who is a wonderful child and creation of God, and I felt the reassurance about this, about what I want. I want to be a dentist, not because I'm stubbornly hanging on to this, but because I know just where my path is heading towards to.
I want to be able to give my best to be people who needs this, I want to put a smile on faces, for those who cannot afford it, I want to do it for them. I am not here for the money and like I told him, I am really blessed and I know it is for me to share this gift of blessings with the less fortunate. I wanna go on medical missions, to fix teeth, to help improve dental health. This is my desire, my innate desire of servitude. I just don't understand why it is so hard for me to just get there, to do what I believe I can do.
For the many who are in the position to learn this skill, I don't know how many actually have this same heart of giving and service. People I know can see it, I just need those who can make a difference see my passion for this. I question myself, maybe this is just not God's will for me, cause all doors seem to have been shut, but when I pray and ask about it, the desire just grows stronger and stronger, people encourage me to not give up and here I am, torn, because I don't know. Is God putting me through a test? Did He put up all these obstacles so that I will give it my very best when I am able to cross it all? Did He put them up to let me know just how badly I want it and when He gives it to me, let me know what He wants me to do with the skill? I don't know.
I suppose only time and only HE can tell.
I spoke to someone the other day, one who is a wonderful child and creation of God, and I felt the reassurance about this, about what I want. I want to be a dentist, not because I'm stubbornly hanging on to this, but because I know just where my path is heading towards to.
I want to be able to give my best to be people who needs this, I want to put a smile on faces, for those who cannot afford it, I want to do it for them. I am not here for the money and like I told him, I am really blessed and I know it is for me to share this gift of blessings with the less fortunate. I wanna go on medical missions, to fix teeth, to help improve dental health. This is my desire, my innate desire of servitude. I just don't understand why it is so hard for me to just get there, to do what I believe I can do.
For the many who are in the position to learn this skill, I don't know how many actually have this same heart of giving and service. People I know can see it, I just need those who can make a difference see my passion for this. I question myself, maybe this is just not God's will for me, cause all doors seem to have been shut, but when I pray and ask about it, the desire just grows stronger and stronger, people encourage me to not give up and here I am, torn, because I don't know. Is God putting me through a test? Did He put up all these obstacles so that I will give it my very best when I am able to cross it all? Did He put them up to let me know just how badly I want it and when He gives it to me, let me know what He wants me to do with the skill? I don't know.
I suppose only time and only HE can tell.
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