2010 for me

Awesome! 2010!

To think my first days of this new year were spent in a foreign land, sadly- yet aptly- since I'm going to spend the bulk of my days in a foreign land I have to call my second home. Yes. I am excited and I can't wait for class to start. I am yearning to learn everything I have to to be an outstanding dentist, to take in every bit of knowledge from people who are willing to impart. I can't wait to live my life differently, I can't wait for my dreams to come true.

Taiwan was a good ten day break for me, for me to sort my thoughts. I know my focus and I hear the calling within my heart, stronger than ever. There were a couple of things that I took home from Taiwan, first, the culture shock, second, how awesome our government has been and still is, third, the reality that in a month, I'd be doing what I've always wanted to do and lastly, how much I yearned the company of a companion.

Yes.. It's not the premature biological clock that was ticking, it is the li'l thing that beats inside of me that's craving for love. I miss having company, having a person I can call to share my deepest thoughts. I miss having someone hold my hands and rub them when I'm feeling cold, lying in his arms and feel completely safe. I miss having someone to think of and yearn for, I miss the attention and the care, I miss having him complete my sentences and read my thoughts before I can say them. Damn it. That's what Taiwan has done to me.

That aside, I just caught Invictus. I LOVED the show, I loved the message behind it, I loved the Mandela quotes and most of all, I love the way it made me feel. Everything is possible, with God. To want more than excellence, to strive for more than your best. I have been thinking of my 2010 resolutions, and I think I just found it. To give more than my best and to not just meet expectations, but exceed them, in every aspect of my life.

This movie meant a lot to me and somehow, somethings in me are settled. Things that bugged me now seem so clear. That's it. Enough is enough. I have my life to lead and better things to do. This is a new start, a new beginning for me, this is my future and my dreams that I am going to fight my darnest for. This is it, all or nothing. With God's strength, I'm going to give it my best. In faith I claim!

Joy Beyond Words

I got into DENTISTRY!



Yes. My Dream come true.

My heart's desire fulfilled.



Even though I stand before a very long journey, one that might be arduous and tumultuous, but I know, even if I were to walk on coal, I'm gonna do it with all my heart. The Lord has answered my prayers and revealed Himself to me in such a direct way and I know, no matter how tired I am, He is there to carry me through.



I cannot express the magnitude of my happiness in words. Yes.. Part of me feels sad, leaving people I so dearly love behind, BUT because of their Love, I will do my best and Do everyone proud. =)



PRAISE THE LORD!



Off I go to Korea for my Kimchi rice and spicy soup PLUS all the shopping! WHEEEE!!!!!!!!!

hoping for a tale

I'm on the verge of partial breakdown and complete insanity. I kinda try as hard as possible not to show just how stressed out I am, but some times it's just really tough. Trying to put on a smile despite having so much going through my mind.

There are, of course, many things that I give thanks for but there's just a lot of dilemma in my life and whatever I choose, it's going to be a gamble that I have to take and its consequences I have to face.

I haven't been able to sleep for weeks, hence the time at which I'm typing this is 4a.m.. I tried to sleep, or rather, tire myself to sleep.. My treadmill is morphing into my closest confidante.

And I just found out something new about me today. I am a WEEPER. Really. Or maybe it is me feeling emotionally vulnerable now, that I weep at practically everything on TV that is sad, touching or when I see someone else cry and I am actually quite amused.

Anyway, while I was running just now, I caught "You've got mail", for the hundredth time, I think. I just never, NEVER get bored of the show and shows like Pride and Prejudice. I've watched them a million times and I love it.

Or maybe, it's just a part of me that wishes that I could find someone like they do. Someone who knows them better than they do, can read their instincts and complete their sentences. Maybe it's the dream of being able to actually find a soul mate that attracts me to these shows, and the language they use in Pride and Prejudice. My goodness.. Mr Darcy and his arrogance yet so gentle and vulnerable in the presence of a woman who has bewitched him, mind, body and soul.

Well, all I can say is that Life isn't a movie and doesn't have a fairytale ending and probably that's why I will always be captivated by such movies. If only I can have a tale of my own..

something to think about

I haven't had a day of peace since I got my results last Friday. Not that my results were bad, in fact, this semester's was pretty ok. I Thank God for that. Like I previously said, this was the one time where I felt the least prepared for an exam yet I felt so at ease during it. It can only be God's Grace.

Apart from that bit of consolation, it has been an emotional ride the past few days. It's like, having to decide my future in such a short span of time. It's a decision I have to make that will chart the course of my life, where I would go, who I would meet, what I would do and the kind of life I would be living.

If you ask me.. I wanna be a dentist. I truly do. I'm not being stubborn, I just know that I would be able to help people and reach out the the underprivileged. I mean, I don't doubt that some get into this profession because they love it, others, simply cause having the "DR" in front of their name is a form of status symbol. While others are in it for pragmatic reasons. For me, I want to be in it to be able to help others experience the same change I felt. A change that was from well and deep within. Because I know how life changing it is and because I know how blessed I am, I wanna be able to share this blessing and gift with others. It's as simple as that. Yet, why is it so hard to believe?

I'm going to try my hardest, exhaust all possible means to do this. But if.. at the end of the day, I still fail, at least I fail dignified that I've given it my best and I have no regrets.

I got a verbal offer to the Hotel School Sydney, it's a business admin course concentrating in hotel management. I had an interview with the administrator and she didn't bother asking me about my grades, she just knew I had a BSc and she offered me a place. I don't know what she saw, but I believe she saw something in me that I never knew I had. "You're the kind of student we're looking for" were her exact words.

This is my greatest dilemma, do I give up fighting for something I love so much because there is such a wide open invitation for me? Or do I enrol myself for a course that doesn't guarantee me a place in dentistry, but only a place in health sciences, and see how I do for the first year? you know.. I'm at a loss.. An internal struggle.

With all the "What If's" just popping into my head.. all the questions about what is meant for me. I know God has a plan for all of us and He gives us choices.. But I honestly don't know which ones to choose cause it's been a tough journey and most of the time, it hasn't been easy making that choice.

What then should I do?

The next question others ask me, is whether I am up to be in the hotel line, simply cause it's so different from being a dentist. True. But it's the second thing that I am that bit confident of doing and excelling. Service is never a problem for me, but people doubt my abilities to face the ugly side of life, cause of the impression they have of me.. Maybe an impression that I'm sheltered and spoilt?

To be honest, I don't ever think so. If there's something I eat, it's the humble pie. What I have, what my parents give me and provide for me.. it's all because of God's grace. But it didn't come without effort. I saw how hard my parents had to work, our line of work is something that is more humbling and more taxing than anything. It's in no way glamorous nor easy, working 12 to 18 hours a day is the norm. Waking up at 3am to supply our clients is something that happens every other day.

In what way am I spoilt and sheltered? No doubt, my parents are strict with me, I have rules to follow and abide, But often, how many children my age actually listen and not revolt and rebel? I abide not because I have to, but because I want to.

I know how ugly the world is, I know how pragmatic it is. I've seen it all. That doesn't mean I have to live my life the way the world shapes it and THAT doesn't make me sheltered.

These are things that I don't seem to understand. what's the world coming to? where Clubbing puts you in the "in" crowd and smoking is perceived as cool. Drinking till your liver fails is the common hobby and catching up with friends is done on a dance floor in a club with loud pounding music? Explain to me which of these make any logical sense?

The fact that I choose a life that is NOT like that doesn't make me sheltered, it just means I have more logical sense and probably just a different perception in life and for life. For those who ask me.. "So what on earth do you do if you don't do all of the above" all I can say.. is I Live my life and do things that YOU don't.

A journey

Do you know how it feels to have doors closed shut right into your face? To be in a place where all openings seem to close shut? To be in a room where you see no light, where the path isn't bleak, just non existent?

When everyone tells you, "hey, why are you so persistent about something? Maybe it's just not for you. Maybe it's not in your life? maybe it's not God's will for you."

So what.. When all doors shut, it just means you give up?

Or should you give it your all, exhaust all methods, even if it means scraping at the wall so that that you can get a ray of light? I would do just that. Not because I'm stubborn, but because I believe.

What happens when that fails too? Do I give up?

What happens when something unexpected happens? When someone sees you in this room and thinks that you fit the bill of just what they are looking for? Do you jump at this window when it's not the one that you'll jump right out from?

What happens if you've struggled so hard to battle the disappointment and take a different route in life, do you then fight for it when someone else tries to dampen it?

I seriously have no idea. I don't think anyone will. I don't think anyone, remotely on this planet knows how I feel right now. The pain.. it's just excruciating. I don't expect anyone to understand, but pushing my limits and expecting me to smile and act as if everything is alright is so hard. Having to put up a strong front, taking all the blame, because it is, in every aspect.. my fault. There is only me to blame, no one else. Yet the pressure to face disappointments gracefully, with a smile and trying to find a silver lining through this is just so tough.

I try to. I really do. I wish I had answers, but I don't. I wish I could have the courage, but I'm trying to get it out of every single cell I have, but it's an exhaustive resource.

I wanna say I quit. I wanna give up.. But I've come too far to give up and I never have, even in adversity. I don't wanna make this my first.