Is he worth the wait?

"Trust and Obey", I tell myself that all the time. I don't know how many people actually struggle with that, but I honestly have my moments. I yearn to live a life that is holy and edifying to the Lord, I know I can never be perfect nor holy enough, but that said, I'm delighted to live in the truth that we have been made right with God when Christ died on the cross for us, we have been atoned and reconciled.

Yes. I'm struggling. It's not exactly a major problem, but if you've read my previous post on a Relationship Hiatus, I think you'd probably know where I'm coming from. I know and can feel the Lord impress upon my heart, to leave it to Him, to let HIM lead... To let Him lead me to the right one in His time, and whether or not it's him that we're talking about. I mean, after all, He has brought me to Perth, brought me into dentistry in the MOST amazing way ever.. what more something like love, which He is all about.. but but but.. I just can't help it at times.. it's really frustrating.

I truly understand where he's coming from, and honestly, it was something that I held really close to my heart. A couple of weeks into the relationship, I was reminded of what I believed.. That I'm going to keep my heart, guard it, for the one man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. It's not to say that I'm going to be guarded with everyone, it just means, I'm only going to give my heart to the man God has willed for me, the one whom I know will guard my heart. I honestly started freaking out and thinking of all the "what if's". I liked him, but I couldn't say that he's the one, at that point in time that he'd be the one I can potentially spend the rest of my life with.. So it was good that we took a step back from being in a relationship to where ever we are at this point in time.

In all honesty, I do know that the feelings I have for him is something very special, something I've never experienced before.. but now.. I'm not sure (not with regards to my feelings, but his). That's why I say I'm struggling to "trust and obey". Right, if you know me well, you should know that I like structure, I like to have a plan, it's either black or white, and as much as I love the colour, I don't like grey areas. And that's how it's like right now, being in Limbo. It's alright if being in limbo means, "we're still getting to know each other and nurturing the feelings" or "we're taking a step back to see where the Lord takes us", these have a significant notion that we're still a part of each other's life.. that we still would want to be a part of each other's life, and more importantly, we still keep each other close in our lives.. BUT NOW... I'm not getting that from him. I don't know if it's me being over sensitive, but I don't know anymore.

"Trusting and obeying" in the Lord, would now mean, for me to trust Him, and just not seek and not WANT answers. It's for me to not decipher His will with my "messed up feelings and mind" and try to understand His will for me from my perspective.. It is for me to really just trust in the Lord and know that I have Hope in Him alone. But me being me, wanting to be as uncomplicated as ever.. Like answers. I've told the girls, that it will be so so much easier for me to box up these feelings and keep them away, only down side for that is.. once kept, it can never be retrieved. I don't want to try so hard, cause it gets so tiring. I don't want it to become this one way thing.. simply cause I don't really know what's going on on his side. He says he has feelings and stuff.. but his actions prove otherwise. Honestly, what am I to do or believe?

I honestly dislike being in these situations. Really. I'm not saying that I want to be in a relationship right now, cause I don't think I'm ready to make such a huge commitment to be in some sense, "pre-engaged" to someone, but I'm just looking for some affirmation that I'm not waiting blindly for someone. Next question is... Is he worth the wait?

Just wishing for that something more

I've had a lot on my mind lately, things that have been discussed during Bible study and cell group, about relationships and sex, and prayer and God's word respectively. I've had new insights to God's word, it's like Him using these avenues to speak to me so that I will learn and draw close to Him. I cannot be more blessed and thankful that He has so freely given me His forgiveness and love.. That I am justified before Him, at one with Him.

Well.. I think this post is going to be a "rant".. Cause I have to be honest, being in a relationship isn't easy for me, it takes a lot of getting used to, trying to understand what works for him and what doesn't. Sometimes it's so much easier to be going solo, simply cause you don't have to think from someone else's perspective, but at the same time, it is such a blessing being able to as well. Some might think it'd be easier since this isn't exactly my first relationship, but it's weird that somehow, it feels like it is. There are many things that I need to make sense of and feelings that I have to figure simply cause they just seem so foreign to me.

Sometimes I wish I knew just exactly what to do.. Sometimes I know it's my insecurities that consume me but it's also because of that, that I really have no idea what to do. Can I expect him to do this and that, is it right for me to expect certain things from him? At times I wish he were more sensitive, but at the same time, that's what makes him him, and what I adore as well.. I don't really know if it's just me, but I really hate feeling like I don't matter.. I'm afraid to give someone priority when all I am is an option to him, or a time/space filler. I don't know if he thinks this way, maybe he doesn't, but it sucks feeling this way.

Maybe it's cause we're still new and still figuring what works.. or maybe.. just maybe.. it won't. I don't know. I can't always be the one taking the initiative, it can't and won't work if we're on a different page of this relationship. Perhaps I'm taking it more seriously than I should, or maybe I shouldn't even try, or maybe I should be, or rather, try to be mean and in Cuzzie's words.. a challenge.. But that's just simply not who I am.. I love very freely and willingly, hoping that my special someone will appreciate the fact that I'm not being a challenge on purpose, the fact that I give him my heart uninhibitedly, but at the same time, I still do yearn and crave to feel like I'm being pursued and that I matter.

He is an amazing guy, that I can say without a doubt and I know I love him more today than I did yesterday, I know I've fallen for him, I know God made provisions in my heart for me to love him, but it's exactly for this same reason that I fear, that I'm insecure, simply cause I'm vulnerable. I honestly don't know what to do except to pray.. and to hope that God will teach him in His time.. or perhaps I'm just blindly wishing for something more.

Above and beyond expectations

I'm endeavoring to write 10 minute blog posts, judging from how much I love to write and what I have to say, I think it's going to be quite hard to achieve. So much has been happening of late and a lot more will be happening!!! 40 Hour Famine this weekend is something I'm looking forward to, it's my first time doing it and I'm hoping it won't be the last.

Apart from that, this semester has been hectic, even though I don't have as many contact hours, the amount of work and depth has just doubled! I'm not complaining though, I love what I'm learning and doing! =)

God has indeed been faithful and gracious. When I first came to Perth and started school, everything felt quite surreal, even after a couple of months into uni. Just when I thought "Could life get any better than this!", God gave me something more, or rather, someone more. He blessed my life with a gift that is above and beyond my expectations, someone I would not have even dreamt of meeting. Some may call our acquaintance "a coincidence", but I call it "the Author's work".

Ever since I gave Him the pen of my life, to chart my life and to write my love story, He, the Author of the Universe, tore my old pages and started afresh.. In His story, He built my character, my understanding, added on to my wisdom and crafted family, friends, teachers and mentors to shape my life and add moments to it. He waited and wrote, guiding, molding, teaching and guarding me.. Through the years, He gave me an understanding for His word and for His purposes, showed me the true meaning of love and loved me, so that I can love again.

When the time was right, He brought a special someone into my life. Someone atypical. He made me understand what it truly meant by not matching God's perfections to mine and not imagining what would be best for me, because what He had installed for me was way beyond my humanly expectations, someone I won't have even dared imagine being with. So yes.. Life can get better than this when it is in accordance to God.

This feels like a first for me, the first time I'm in a relationship with God's understanding, the first time I'm in a relationship where God is in charge and most of all, the first time I'm in a relationship with someone who's my best friend. I don't deny that at times I'm afraid and confused, simply cause this is so different, because I'm not in control and that, can make me feel vulnerable. At times I don't know what to do and feel awkward simply cause I don't really know what to expect and how to react.. I'm like a baby learning how to walk.. I've got to first stumble my way along, before knowing how to walk the walk. But I know no matter how many times I stumble and fall, He will be there to catch me. I'm stepping into this relationship in faith and with faith, I know He will guard my heart and I do know that he will guard it too.

For my special someone, if at times I act funny, give you a hard time because I'm confused or even boggle your mind with my eccentricities, bear with me. I can guarantee that at times you'll not understand my mood-swings and I'll get on your nerves for the nitty gritty, I won't be able to comprehend why it takes you so long to reply a message, why you haven't checked on me or even for the most bizarre reason.. like you not being able to read my mind! At times you'll go.. Girls are so complicated and hard to understand.. These, I guarantee, will happen.. But what I can also guarantee is that no matter how mundane our dates get, or how hectic life is, I'll be happy that they're spent with you. I promise to not only love you for your good moments, but love you even more for your flaws, appreciate them and love them simply because they are a part of you. And even though you think that you may not be the most dashing guy on earth, and even if you think the world thinks that of you, I promise, if you could see the world through my eyes, you'd realise, no one can even come close to comparing with you. You're a precious gift from God that I hold close to my heart and God's gifts are nothing short of perfect.. Thank you for coming into my life and first being my friend, my best friend and my special someone.

the Complexity of Relationships

4 weeks. 28 days. 672 hours. 40320 minutes. 2419200 seconds.

That's the amount of time I'm supposed to be back for, but it just flew by.. In exactly 7 days, this time, I'd be in Perth, in room 149 of Upper Prescott. Come to think of it, it's really scary, the thought that 5 years is just going to fly by. It feels like a pretty long time, but soon enough, it'll be convocation again, this time, I hope, with (hons).

The holiday back home is really a good time to catch up, with family, friends and most importantly sleep. At least, I know I'm paying off the interest of my sleep debt. On top of all that, I had many interesting conversations with my aunts and friends. You know you've moved on to the next phase in life when conversations revolve around life plans, investments, weddings and more significantly, electrical appliances. =) But I had a discussion with my aunts the other day, we were just talking about why women of today are getting married later or rather, not getting married at all and why divorce rates are on the rise.

I get common reasons like, women no long need to rely on men to bring home the bacon, women are more career driven, women no longer need to put up with men and so on. I do not deny that women empowerment has given women a place in the workforce, allowing them to provide for themselves, especially in Singapore, to contribute as much to the family, financially, as men. This may be one of the reasons why women aren't afraid to live without a man, but honestly, I don't think it is the reason to why women look for divorce as solutions.

If we break it down to the basics, women fundamentally are made to be more nurturing and in a Christian relationship and household, women hold the family together, they are the caretakers. I am appalled at times that some women don't take up this role as willingly as others would, but in all honesty, being financially independent is not the reason why women turn to divorce.

Society looks to the change in a woman's status and matches it to the divorce rates but we have yet to look at the role of a male, and how it has, as well, changed over the years. Men were the providers of the family in the past, they were the sole breadwinners, but one thing men of the past did, was to take responsibility. They were, MEN.

Honestly, in my opinion, it's not that hard for a marriage or a relationship to workout, yes, it requires effort and work, but if you stick to the fundamental principles, it honestly isn't rocket science.

For women to respect their husbands, likewise, men are to take up the responsibility of the household and carry themselves in a way that is respectable, simply, if you want to be respected, you've got to behave in a way that deserves it. Fidelity, loyalty, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, love and most importantly, forbearance with love.

The thing about society today is that the practice of these qualities are near non-existent in the lives of many. Like every thing else, it requires effort and practice, right from the beginning. For men to respect women, and husbands to practice all of the above values, it starts not from the time you say "I do", but way before. Keeping yourself pure for your precious bride and learning to love her even before knowing her. Women aren't complex creatures, we ultimately just want our spouse to love us just the way we are, to love us like no other person would and to love with security. If a guy keeps himself pure and behaves in a respectable chivalrous manner, his wife would definitely feel reassured and things like these build up respect.

Well, the complexities of society and how it has changed and morphed male and female familial roles may seem complicated, yet to me, there's such a simple, effortless solution, or rather, way of living.. That is to live in accordance to God's word and living by His word and building a relationship/family that is God centered. When we do that, it is not hard nor impossible nor unimaginable for us to have a strong and fruitful relationship.

This is again, another one of my random blabbering moments. On a less serious note, I got a message this morning that made my day, a message that once again, plastered a huge smile in my heart. It's a bitter feeling to leave home for Perth, it definitely is, but there is this special someone that I'm looking forward to meet. A special someone that I haven't seen for what seems to be eternity. There isn't a single day that goes by through this holiday that I don't think of him and miss him. Don't ask me why, cause I don't know either, why this special someone has found his way and place in my heart so fast and so effortlessly.. It usually doesn't happen this way, but I suppose when I let God take control, HE plants feelings in me that I never knew I had.

So to my special someone, (I don't know if you actually read my blog, but if you do..) Thank you for making my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.. I can't wait to see you soon!

Of Sermons, Life lessons and Happy notes!

It's been an awesome two weeks home, meeting up with friends and especially being able to go to Grace and attend cell, it's something so precious to me, something that can't be replicated anywhere else. The love and the sisterhood/brotherhood, is something that warms my heart so much, I've found my place in this spiritual family and I'm learning to love them the way that would please our Father.

I loved the sermons that were delivered by Ps. Wilfred Leow, last week he talked about The Anointed Church. There are basically two points which he talked about,

1. Christ indwelling in your hearts

2. A love manifesting Church

Basically, what he talked about was that these two points work in sequence, you have to first have the presence of Christ in the heart, having Christ's personality influencing and pervading our entire being, understanding, personhood and personality, because anointing only comes when you are full of Christ, only then, can you be full of God. For Christ to dwell in your heart, you should come before the Lord in prayer, asking Him to strengthen you with power through the Holy spirit, letting the Holy spirit work in you, praying for the innerwalk and inner life. Only with these can we have Love manifesting.

Love of Christ is something that is not just an experience or an encounter with Him, but it also means experiencing God's love from the people, through their deeds. It is a tangible form of love and it is essential to form a community of love, love of a brethren!

Following last week's sermon, this week, Ps. Leow spoke of the four qualities to live with unity, these really REALLY spoke to me!

1. Humility: Speaking with humility

2. Gentleness: Meekness, strength under control, returning unkindness with kindness

3. Patience: Long suffering attitude towards others

4. Forbearance in Love

The combination of these for qualities, or rather, the practice of them is key to living in unity, not just in the Church, but in the household, it is the fundamental way to treat your children, siblings, spouse, parents, in-laws... It is about preserving the unity of the spirit in the home and with that, the building of God's Church. What I love most is the fourth point, Forbearance in love, it is not just about patience and it goes beyond tolerance, but loving and accepting, there is no need to consciously tolerate a person when you learn to love him/her. It is the way to release your soul to love as God loves.

What a powerful phrase indeed. To love as God Loves. To aspire to be Christ like, to see the world through His eyes. The message is something that is very close to my heart, as I've talked about it in my previous post about the book, When God writes your love story. These four qualities sum up the handbook for effective relationships!

It was a good reminder for me and I believe for many young adults and teens, to respect our parents, our partners and to love them the way God loves us. It often is easy to be polite and nice to strangers and people who don't matter to you, but we are the harshest when it comes to our family and that shouldn't be the case! Your family should be the people you love the most, if we treat an ordinary stranger with much courtesy and kindness, shouldn't we show twice or even thrice the love, courtesy and kindness to our loved ones. I know sometimes it is easier said than done, I do at times struggle with that too, but it's something that I'm making a conscious effort to change and work on!

On a lighter and happier note, I've told my mom about him and us. It's something that I was really apprehensive about, simply cause I don't really know how my mom will react to it, but Praise the Lord that He led me through it and He spoke! Mom, being moms had so many questions but she said something that took me by surprise while I was telling her more about him.. She said, "I can see that you really like him a lot". I didn't know I gave it away!!!! I'm pretty sure I was trying to maintain as straight a face as I can and not have that girlie gush, but I suppose that's why she's my mom eh!

This holiday apart is quite a timely one, for one, I'm more sure and certain about my feelings, but I'm just going to wait on the Lord and let the Lord prompt him in His time. =D For now, I'm going to just keep praying for us to grow in the Lord and in His will. God Is Good!