Is he worth the wait?

"Trust and Obey", I tell myself that all the time. I don't know how many people actually struggle with that, but I honestly have my moments. I yearn to live a life that is holy and edifying to the Lord, I know I can never be perfect nor holy enough, but that said, I'm delighted to live in the truth that we have been made right with God when Christ died on the cross for us, we have been atoned and reconciled.

Yes. I'm struggling. It's not exactly a major problem, but if you've read my previous post on a Relationship Hiatus, I think you'd probably know where I'm coming from. I know and can feel the Lord impress upon my heart, to leave it to Him, to let HIM lead... To let Him lead me to the right one in His time, and whether or not it's him that we're talking about. I mean, after all, He has brought me to Perth, brought me into dentistry in the MOST amazing way ever.. what more something like love, which He is all about.. but but but.. I just can't help it at times.. it's really frustrating.

I truly understand where he's coming from, and honestly, it was something that I held really close to my heart. A couple of weeks into the relationship, I was reminded of what I believed.. That I'm going to keep my heart, guard it, for the one man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. It's not to say that I'm going to be guarded with everyone, it just means, I'm only going to give my heart to the man God has willed for me, the one whom I know will guard my heart. I honestly started freaking out and thinking of all the "what if's". I liked him, but I couldn't say that he's the one, at that point in time that he'd be the one I can potentially spend the rest of my life with.. So it was good that we took a step back from being in a relationship to where ever we are at this point in time.

In all honesty, I do know that the feelings I have for him is something very special, something I've never experienced before.. but now.. I'm not sure (not with regards to my feelings, but his). That's why I say I'm struggling to "trust and obey". Right, if you know me well, you should know that I like structure, I like to have a plan, it's either black or white, and as much as I love the colour, I don't like grey areas. And that's how it's like right now, being in Limbo. It's alright if being in limbo means, "we're still getting to know each other and nurturing the feelings" or "we're taking a step back to see where the Lord takes us", these have a significant notion that we're still a part of each other's life.. that we still would want to be a part of each other's life, and more importantly, we still keep each other close in our lives.. BUT NOW... I'm not getting that from him. I don't know if it's me being over sensitive, but I don't know anymore.

"Trusting and obeying" in the Lord, would now mean, for me to trust Him, and just not seek and not WANT answers. It's for me to not decipher His will with my "messed up feelings and mind" and try to understand His will for me from my perspective.. It is for me to really just trust in the Lord and know that I have Hope in Him alone. But me being me, wanting to be as uncomplicated as ever.. Like answers. I've told the girls, that it will be so so much easier for me to box up these feelings and keep them away, only down side for that is.. once kept, it can never be retrieved. I don't want to try so hard, cause it gets so tiring. I don't want it to become this one way thing.. simply cause I don't really know what's going on on his side. He says he has feelings and stuff.. but his actions prove otherwise. Honestly, what am I to do or believe?

I honestly dislike being in these situations. Really. I'm not saying that I want to be in a relationship right now, cause I don't think I'm ready to make such a huge commitment to be in some sense, "pre-engaged" to someone, but I'm just looking for some affirmation that I'm not waiting blindly for someone. Next question is... Is he worth the wait?