Life as it is

Another sleepless night.

It has been weeks.. I just can't get to sleep. I don't know if it's from the agony of waiting, the anticipation, the hope or the fear of disappointment that is keeping me up. Something is weighing my heart down and there is completely nothing I can do.

When you want something and love something that much and that badly, it almost seems like desperation, it's like pushing myself to the edge and stretching my limits, there is only so many disappointments I can face gracefully, with a smile, with encouragement to people who root for me, that I'm okay and it won't bring me down.

I haven't heard from anyone yet and that's precisely why this is so agonising.

Waiting.. Is a lonely and scary experience.

There is barely anyone I can talk to who can understand, no one I can really rely on and no one who is fighting this by my side. I know I'm not alone cause the Lord is with me, but at times, I do feel I'm fighting this battle with no mortal beside me.

I don't need people to placate me and tell me to give up or people to tell me.. "it's just not meant to be". A feeling this strong cannot be wrong. I'm not being stubborn, I'm just trying to live my life, living my dreams. I need some one, yet the only solace and comfort I can find is within the quiets of my heart, the reflection in the mirror, the voice inside of me.

At times, I find this pursuit quite pointless, because it's been so long and I don't see myself reaching it. Yet, I know I will hate myself and regret for the rest of my life if I give up right now, if I give up to do something else, something I know I can do, that I will succeed doing but the only difference is, I may not love it. Climbing the corporate ladder and playing the corporate game, wearing a mask and portraying an image that is politically correct. These, aren't hard to do, in fact, it comes so easily, so naturally that it tires me. It tires me so much.

I doubt I can spend the rest of my life like that. I love dentistry, no doubt it does have its politics, but to the bare minimal, because I love it, because of my patients, I know the satisfaction is much greater than any of the pretence that will tire me. But if I were to give up right now, I know that's the way my life will be for a long long time. I really am tired.. of all the lies and the pretences in life and the last thing I want to do, is to live my life like that.