Something has changed..

Something inside me has changed and I don't know what. I can't exactly put a finger on it, I can't describe it either. It's the first time in my life where I wish to be away from home. It's not the freedom of staying abroad that I miss.. But just that sense of personal space to do my thing in my own time, to be able to plan my time and life the way I want to and not according to "because I say so" or "I like you doing things my way". Is it that far fetched a thought that what they like may not exactly be what I fancy?

I know being family does mean making sacrifices and helping each other out, but I think I've had almost enough. And perhaps it's just the desire to go back and start uni just cause it's getting boring here in Singapore. Of course.. It's also that desire to go back to see someone I love so dearly. Being apart for about 2 months doesn't seem like the longest time, but a minute of absence seems like a year of agony. Cheesy I know, but I finally understand why people spend everyday with their best friends. Perhaps I never had best friends and have never understood what it means to really want to share every moment in life with one person. It has always been a rather obscure thought, but now, I finally understand.

Coming back home just made me realize that being away puts you in an environment that induces rapid change. You have to learn to live out of your comfort zone, speak to strangers and face challenges knowing that there's no safety net to catch you if you fall. You're on your own, you make your own choices, who you meet and what you do. It's like an exponential growth of experiences. I have to admit, I was afraid of going away, I was worried I won't be able to cope, but perhaps all my life, everyone makes me out to be the most sheltered, the most cared for, yet now, when I think about it, I might just be the only one that was most ready. Ready to spread my wings, ready to grow, ready to be challenged, ready to desire excellence, ready to love myself, ready to face life head on and most importantly, ready to fully trust and obey.. To finally be able to serve the Lord uninhibitedly.

Sometimes I think God has the most wonderful way of writing a story, my life story. He took me on a few rounds before bringing me to my dreams. He brought be around so that when I embarked on something so precious, my journey would be blessed so abundantly with the right people. He brought me to them and them to me. I can't describe just how blessed I am.. To have met the friends that I have met in Australia. To have met people who have changed my life, taught me so much and just so willing to share their life with me. That to me... is something so precious.

What's changed? I truly don't know, but what I do know.. is that this post-australia, post-Sherwin Jocelyn is definitely very different from how I was and I'm liking this version of me so much more. 

In God's time

My First Blog post on my new laptop! Yes, I finally bought my macbook pro! =D I'm one happy girl trying to figure out how to go about using it and getting used to extra spaces between my letters on my keyboard! 

I have been rather amused of late. Random gym chat ups and funny people coming up to me and speaking to me in the mall. It's weird, but at the same time, it's quite nice getting compliments from time to time. Only until it starts getting awkward and weird. -_-"

Some of the hardest decisions to make in life are those that you have to make against what you desire just because you know that is what's best and practical. Some decisions you know you have to make that you know will hurt, but at the same time, it's good to start preparing yourself for it so that when it actually happens, it won't hurt as much. I know there are some who'd argue their case and say that it'd just be a self fulfilling prophesy, but I'd rather prepare myself for what might happen than to meet it head on unprepared. 

Sometimes you have to sacrifice what you love to pursue what you love to do for the rest of your life. That's occasionally the cruelty of life that something's gotta give for the pursuit of happiness. I pray for the courage to try things out when the time comes, I pray for the strength to not give up, but I pray too for the wisdom to know when to let things go, to have the courage to stand alone so that passions can be pursued. 

I've mentioned it before that there really is no greater testimony of God's grace than to be able to wake up everyday thankful that you love what you're waking up to do and to enjoy every hard waking moment of it. If he were to pursue his passions, I'd be more than happy for him, I'd celebrate with him, even if I know that at the end of the day, I might not be pursuing them with him. I know I'd still be glad for him and pray for him each day that he'd find that joy that I feel. 

I know it's at times silly for me to think so far ahead and to worry bout what might happen, but like I always am, I'd rather be prepared. I know I'd be in tears, but I know that at the same time, someone I love would be living a dream and that in itself is priceless. Everything in God's time. 

First random blog thought of 2012

I have been asked so many times.. So what are your 2012 resolutions? 

Apart from doing well in third year.. what else? Have a better 25 year old self! =D New and improved! I suppose trying to combat feelings of insecurity. After so many years of being in relationships and after so many months of being with sherms.. the feeling of vulnerability still gets to me. It's something that I don't like feeling, it's something that scares me and it's something that makes me run into guard up mode. It messes with my head a bit too much.. anyhow.. I guess 2012 is about working towards a Godly life, cause only He can take away all these insecurities and fears and He is the only person I can rely on! 

2012

First day of 2012! Happy New Year!

How awesome it is to start the New Year by thanking God for all the things that have happened the past year and thank Him because He is faithful and the year ahead will be full of His goodness! We were asked to take a moment to think of things, events and people in 2011 that we're thankful for, events or people that were so significant that we know it marks 2011.

Well.. I'm thankful that I got through second year dent! =) I'm even more thankful that I was able to come back in time for my Grandma, I'm thankful that the Lord preserved her for that few moments more for me to see her once again. I'm Thankful for the provision of my studies by my parents, I'm thankful that I could go on holidays without worry! I'm Thankful for that one combat class that I went to that allowed Sherwin and my path to cross.

I'm Thankful for the wonderful blessing of passion that I have for dentistry, I'm thankful that every morning when I wake up, I yearn so much to go to uni, I crave so much to be better, I'm thankful that I can live my dream. I'm Thankful for City Network Church and SMA, for the family they provide, the support that they give and just the tremendous grace that I've been blessed with being amongst my family in Christ. I'm Thankful for the growth in the Word and for the Word and Spirit that guides me.

I'm Thankful and blessed by the wonderful people in my life. My sisters and brothers in Christ, in Perth and in Singapore, who never judge and always willingly listen, understand, support and encourage. My wonderful friends in uni and my college mates. My old time friends from a long time ago who are ever so ready to receive me with open arms whenever I'm back. My Family who loves and supports me, my extended family and of course, my beloved special someone. The list is almost non exhaustive.

It took 5 minutes of reflection in one night to make me realize just how blessed I've been, how rich my life has been coloured by the love and presence of so many. I realize that whenever I feel alone, I just have to stop and remember that God has blessed me so abundantly and so graciously. I am so excited for the year ahead and the lessons I will learn from, the Growth I will have, the closeness of God and the wonderful abundance that the Lord has promised.

2012! It is going to be a year of God's providence!