Feeling a tad emotional today. Not the PMS kind, neither the moody grouchy kind and I doubt it's because I'm hungry. When Antonio opened in Merchant of Venice "In sooth, I know not why I am so sad", at least now I can comprehend his frustration at his lack of understanding of his emotions.
Do I believe in love? should that question be.. How much do I believe in love. I do, infinitely in God's love. I don't know how much I do when it comes to friends, to partners.
I do wonder, not because I don't believe in love, I just don't have enough faith in man's flimsy hearts.
I don't know, perhaps even in a setting like a college, living with 160 people, you can still feel alone. I can be among friends, surrounded by crowds, yet I still feel alone. Am I in that phase of life where I'm looking for companionate love? I reckon so and I really hope I've found it.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
One and a half years later..
Where do I begin? From the first day I realised I wanted to be a dentist or the first day I knew I got into it. One and a half years in and everyday, I wake up to a miracle. Everyday, I'm thankful and blessed that I'm in dental school. I reckon that was why God put me through NUS, He put me through three years of want and honestly, my last year in NUS was just filled with desperation.
That's probably what they mean when they say "it's through the valleys that you grow" and it was in my toughest moments that I heard God, when I was in sheer desperation that I was scourging to hear just a whisper or anything remotely close to an answer and when I did, He gave me a message so clear, a voice so loud and a desire so tangible, He turned my dreams into reality, into fierce passion.
It pains my heart when I see my classmates drop out from dental school, even if it's only a short term that I've gotten to know them, the sheer fact that we were going through dental school together bonds us. It's not a joke when people say that dentistry is probably the toughest and most demanding course in uni. It is. After one and a half years, I can say it is and it will only get tougher.
Some days are hard, you get beaten down and feel disappointed. You get demoralized and wonder just whether or not you'll get through. I know for awhile I lost that desire, for a moment, I took my eyes off. I took my eyes off Jesus, I looked at MY achievements and what I could do. I focused on MY grades and MY abilities. I know this semester has started off on the right foot. I know I can't rely on my strengths, for I have none, I can't rely on my abilities, for I am weak. But with God, I have possibilities, I have strength, for HE empowers me.
I cannot express just how Thankful I am, how blessed I feel. I may not be the smartest dental student, but I'm striving for dedicated excellence to serve God and His people.
Dentistry aside, I am content. Sherwin has been such a pillar of support, encouragement and love. It's a heartwarming feeling to know that there's someone who understands me, my passions and knows exactly what to say when I'm feeling demoralized and down. Not to mention, he warms not just my heart but my gut too! =) I see God working in his life and grace just pouring so abundantly that I'm blessed by it too. Tho I don't really know how this will pen out in the future, I know God's will will be sovereign in this. What will happen in a couple of years when he needs to leave to pursue his dreams? I honestly don't know and perhaps it's too soon to tell.. but the only thing I can be certain of is that I'd be more than glad that he'll be able to pursue his passions, with or without me. Because after all my experiences in life, all I can say is that there is no greater joy and satisfaction than doing what you've been called to do. I can testify to that, one and a half years in..
That's probably what they mean when they say "it's through the valleys that you grow" and it was in my toughest moments that I heard God, when I was in sheer desperation that I was scourging to hear just a whisper or anything remotely close to an answer and when I did, He gave me a message so clear, a voice so loud and a desire so tangible, He turned my dreams into reality, into fierce passion.
It pains my heart when I see my classmates drop out from dental school, even if it's only a short term that I've gotten to know them, the sheer fact that we were going through dental school together bonds us. It's not a joke when people say that dentistry is probably the toughest and most demanding course in uni. It is. After one and a half years, I can say it is and it will only get tougher.
Some days are hard, you get beaten down and feel disappointed. You get demoralized and wonder just whether or not you'll get through. I know for awhile I lost that desire, for a moment, I took my eyes off. I took my eyes off Jesus, I looked at MY achievements and what I could do. I focused on MY grades and MY abilities. I know this semester has started off on the right foot. I know I can't rely on my strengths, for I have none, I can't rely on my abilities, for I am weak. But with God, I have possibilities, I have strength, for HE empowers me.
I cannot express just how Thankful I am, how blessed I feel. I may not be the smartest dental student, but I'm striving for dedicated excellence to serve God and His people.
Dentistry aside, I am content. Sherwin has been such a pillar of support, encouragement and love. It's a heartwarming feeling to know that there's someone who understands me, my passions and knows exactly what to say when I'm feeling demoralized and down. Not to mention, he warms not just my heart but my gut too! =) I see God working in his life and grace just pouring so abundantly that I'm blessed by it too. Tho I don't really know how this will pen out in the future, I know God's will will be sovereign in this. What will happen in a couple of years when he needs to leave to pursue his dreams? I honestly don't know and perhaps it's too soon to tell.. but the only thing I can be certain of is that I'd be more than glad that he'll be able to pursue his passions, with or without me. Because after all my experiences in life, all I can say is that there is no greater joy and satisfaction than doing what you've been called to do. I can testify to that, one and a half years in..
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Be a better you
Cosmopolitan (and I'm not referring to the drink) may not really be the best place to look for relationship advise, or ANY advise to begin with, but I was flipping through the mag and here's what a title of an article wrote "Act like a queen, attract a king". At first glance, I thought it was just another flimsy "feel good" article, but upon reading it, I realized it put my thoughts on relationships into words.
For those who have known me for quite awhile, you would probably be familiar with my disdain (might be too strong a word, but for the purposes of putting my point across) for girls or guys that act like brats or those that have extreme/obsessive lifestyle habits like drunkenness, smoking, promiscuity and.. you get my drift. But yet we have many girls of this generation who carry these characteristics and yet complain that they can't find a good guy, and similarly, guys who say they can't find a good woman.
Well.. Here's what I think and what the article says in a nut shell, "like attracts like". The article encourages girls to be and possess qualities that they would like to see in a man. If you want someone who is refined and mature, you have to be the same too.
That's what I think our society fails to teach, we're taught at a young age to want the best, to seek the best and always know that there will be better, but we're seldom taught to look at ourselves and ask ourselves, are we the best we can offer, are we also that "someone better"?
What I expect from my partner is no more than what I can bring into the relationship. I don't ask for more, I just ask for him to be like me. I expect that same dedication and commitment, the same level of concern and thoughtfulness, the same level of maturity and the same amount of love. The only thing that I expect of him, is to know what HE wants and to lead in the relationship.
I hope more girls and guys alike will come to this realization that they cannot expect the best or better, when they're not up to scratch themselves. The betterment of oneself comes with practice, it comes with hard work, having an excuse of "he'll love me for me" even though you know your bad habits are undesirable is just deluding yourself.
I am seeking to be a better me, to be that woman of Proverbs 31, a woman of Christ.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Self realisations
Don't you get some moments when you go.. "I didn't know that about myself".. I've had a few of them just recently and here's sharing them with you.
1. I didn't know I can have 8 shots of coffee in the span of 2 hours without getting overtly hyper (I had almost 12 in the whole day)
2. I didn't know I could have that much discipline in dragging myself to the gym despite my body begging me not to.
3. I have a way of blocking people out of my life and really, when I do, I DO.
4. I didn't know my heart could be filled with so much joy just restoring a tooth with amalgam. =)
5. I didn't know my mind, body and soul could have such an experience all at once, enjoying the peace that I know I'm in the right course for the right reasons and for the undying passion.
6. I didn't know a heartache could reach to such depths of my heart. I thought I had faced grand's passing, but I don't think I truly have.
7. I never realised I had such tenacity until now.
1. I didn't know I can have 8 shots of coffee in the span of 2 hours without getting overtly hyper (I had almost 12 in the whole day)
2. I didn't know I could have that much discipline in dragging myself to the gym despite my body begging me not to.
3. I have a way of blocking people out of my life and really, when I do, I DO.
4. I didn't know my heart could be filled with so much joy just restoring a tooth with amalgam. =)
5. I didn't know my mind, body and soul could have such an experience all at once, enjoying the peace that I know I'm in the right course for the right reasons and for the undying passion.
6. I didn't know a heartache could reach to such depths of my heart. I thought I had faced grand's passing, but I don't think I truly have.
7. I never realised I had such tenacity until now.
Monday, August 8, 2011
ASS - U - ME
ASSUME - Makes the ASS out of U and ME.
I have learnt my lesson. Not to assume, cause it has made an ass out of me.. Assuming someone's maturity, ability to handle situations and understanding of situations. When chronological age does not seem to mesh with mental age, yet people think that they are more mature than they really are.. That's where the problem arises. Or maybe.. when there's nothing else more important going on in their lives, something so small and insignificant becomes a huge issue.
I know I'm in a different phase in life, the winter break was a wake up call to me, it was a harsh break of reality and it was for me to acknowledge and shift my priorities. What was important to me, like college affairs and acquaintances, no longer holds its weight in my life.
My heart desires for the kingdom of the Lord, it desires for my passions to be fulfilled, it desires for me to have tighter relationships with my family, nuclear and extended, and my heart desires to build on relationships for God's purposes and with someone for the long haul.
Yes. I have learnt and grown and will not assume.
I have learnt my lesson. Not to assume, cause it has made an ass out of me.. Assuming someone's maturity, ability to handle situations and understanding of situations. When chronological age does not seem to mesh with mental age, yet people think that they are more mature than they really are.. That's where the problem arises. Or maybe.. when there's nothing else more important going on in their lives, something so small and insignificant becomes a huge issue.
I know I'm in a different phase in life, the winter break was a wake up call to me, it was a harsh break of reality and it was for me to acknowledge and shift my priorities. What was important to me, like college affairs and acquaintances, no longer holds its weight in my life.
My heart desires for the kingdom of the Lord, it desires for my passions to be fulfilled, it desires for me to have tighter relationships with my family, nuclear and extended, and my heart desires to build on relationships for God's purposes and with someone for the long haul.
Yes. I have learnt and grown and will not assume.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
I've had enough
I light of recent events, I have come to a point and stage in life where I've had enough. Let's just say, college life will and can get to you. When you're 24 living amongst a bunch of kids whose average age is between 18-19, life can be quite miserable. IF they're more mature and more well thought out, I guess it won't be that bad, but what we have here is astounding.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying ALL the girls in college, there are that few whom I give all due respect and credit to. But yes.. I wish people would grow up, taking a small matter or rather, comment and making it sound like a big huge issue is literally, making a mountain out of a molehill. Yes, I agree that it may have been a comment made by someone that was uncalled for. However, if you have chosen to make that particular event open to the public on a social medium, then expect adverse comments and when you do have them, accept them graciously.
That's how harsh reality is. Not everyone is going to love and be in awe of everything you plan, despite the effort that you've put into it. If you expect recognition for everything you do, then all I can say is that you've gotta wake up to reality or bluntly put.. "suck it up princess".
I am honestly quite disappointed at how things were put across. I expected more from people, but then again, it's my fault on my part, thinking that people had the maturity around here. Foolish was I to think that way. After grand's passing, I just realised how stupid and foolish it was to be so caught up with the whole college affair. Like what we've been doing in church, I wanna work towards a future that is eternal, I want to store up heavenly treasures and not things that don't last, much less acquaintances that don't matter, or won't last past college. We all have a fixed amount of time on earth, and the last thing I want to do, is spend it on people who don't matter, and on things that deserve no attention.
Honestly, if there's any gossip whatsoever, I'm really not bothered. I've always maintained my stand.. if you have a problem with me, tell me straight up, if not, forever hold your peace.
I really can't wait to get out of here. enough is enough.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying ALL the girls in college, there are that few whom I give all due respect and credit to. But yes.. I wish people would grow up, taking a small matter or rather, comment and making it sound like a big huge issue is literally, making a mountain out of a molehill. Yes, I agree that it may have been a comment made by someone that was uncalled for. However, if you have chosen to make that particular event open to the public on a social medium, then expect adverse comments and when you do have them, accept them graciously.
That's how harsh reality is. Not everyone is going to love and be in awe of everything you plan, despite the effort that you've put into it. If you expect recognition for everything you do, then all I can say is that you've gotta wake up to reality or bluntly put.. "suck it up princess".
I am honestly quite disappointed at how things were put across. I expected more from people, but then again, it's my fault on my part, thinking that people had the maturity around here. Foolish was I to think that way. After grand's passing, I just realised how stupid and foolish it was to be so caught up with the whole college affair. Like what we've been doing in church, I wanna work towards a future that is eternal, I want to store up heavenly treasures and not things that don't last, much less acquaintances that don't matter, or won't last past college. We all have a fixed amount of time on earth, and the last thing I want to do, is spend it on people who don't matter, and on things that deserve no attention.
Honestly, if there's any gossip whatsoever, I'm really not bothered. I've always maintained my stand.. if you have a problem with me, tell me straight up, if not, forever hold your peace.
I really can't wait to get out of here. enough is enough.
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