It ended with the fireworks

What can be a more spectacular end than fireworks? They're always beautiful, give you a sense of warmth and wonder, yet sadly, often short-lived.

I had a moment during the Perth Royal show.. I was watching the fireworks and midway, I told myself, I'd let my feelings for him go like the fireworks and once it ends, it'd all end. At some point, I wished the fireworks never ended, but I knew, it was what I had to do.

Till yesterday, I was still hopeful, I thought I could carry the feelings within my heart and wait for him.. Perhaps I don't have the tenacity when it comes to waiting for someone. Or rather, I would gladly wait on someone if I knew that the feelings were reciprocated, I'm willing to wait for him while he sorts himself out, only thing is, it has to be a purposeful wait.

At the same time, right now, I feel like I've got to sort myself out too.. Nothing, really, NOTHING should get in the way of Dentistry, and if it/he is, then it's time to take it out.

Another thing that came to my mind was that, I really do think that I deserve better, not that he isn't a good guy, but I think I deserve to be treated better, to be loved a lot more and to be appreciated for who I am. I don't know why it took me so long to actually see this, but I think I should give myself some credit for being the kind of girlfriend that I am and if he doesn't appreciate and see what he has, then it's his loss and not my prerogative to work towards letting him see that.

Yes. It was just yesterday that I felt that way.. but right now, at this point in time, I'm freeing the position of "special someone", I'm not just taking a break from relationships, I'm taking a break from him and the some what nonsense that he has put me through. I don't think I have to justify the reasons why I think I deserve someone who treats me a lot better and loves me more.. I think finally, I've realised, that I do.

Before the show began, my heart yearned for him, for his presence with me at the royal show, I wished I was holding his hand and having all the fun.. But at the end of the show, like the fireworks, my feelings ended when it did. Enough is enough, it's time to move on.

On Eagle's Wings

"Que Sera Sera" and the famous line "whatever will be, will be, the future is not ours to see". It quite aptly summarizes my thoughts right now. I've been praying over him and us for the past few days and I think I've come to my conclusion, I don't know whether it's His conclusion, but that's where I think my heart is drawing me to.

I don't deny at all that I still do feel quite strongly for him, the spot of "that someone special" still belongs to him, I reckon it would stay that way for a bit cause it takes time for me to compartmentalize and box these feelings up. Regardless of what happens to us in a romantic relationship, I do believe that he is a great guy and a friend that I hold very dearly and closely.

If you've read my previous posts, you'd know that we've taken a step back from being "in a relationship" for various reasons, of which I completely respect and at this point in time, I think is truly legitimate and essential. The next thing is, what do I do with my feelings? Like how I've ended my previous post, "is he worth the wait". I think I've found my answer.

If you've known me long enough, you should know I'm pretty much a very uncomplicated girl, I don't ask for much, nor expect a lot, I love clarity and I know where in life I'm going and I'm very clear of that. That's probably why I don't like grey areas, I don't like limbo.

For the past few days, I've been asking the Lord, "What should I do", "Why am I feeling this way towards him and yet I'm getting mixed signals from him", "why give me the provision to love and yet let this happen". The Lord impressed upon my heart His message, "My child, if I could bring you into dentistry in such a miraculous way, above and beyond anyone's expectations, what more this aspect of your life.. I am the maker of Love, I am Love. I've got this handled, leave it to me." It may or may not be him that He has planned for me, but I know, he'll be someone amazing.

Della, my cell group leader from FCC called me tonight and told me about her vision of an eagle.. How God is like the eagle and I will sore on Eagle's wings, that He knows and sees my heart, my worries and my troubles, and He has my plan in the palm of His hands. I just burst into tears when she told me that.. Simply cause He's so tangible. God speaks to us in so many ways.. Amen!

I was talking to Brendon too.. and he has shared with me insights, and for some reason, i think he reads my mind.. Half the time, I've already made up my mind, but it's just that I have to speak to him and he'll extract it out of me. He truly is such a brother and a blessing!

He's right, you can only either be with someone or not be with someone, choosing to be in limbo is already making a choice to NOT be with the person. I think Chris's actions for the past couple of days have been very reflective of the latter. If you really like someone, and if you're in a stage of your life where you're figuring your life out, your work and whether or not that person is for you, then you'll work very hard and make a conscious decision to work hard towards improving yourself for that person, and the fact that he doesn't, simply just goes to show, he probably doesn't like me enough for that.

When a person matters to you, you'd do your best for her. That's as simple as it gets. Not having enough time because of a busy study schedule is never an adequate excuse, it is a legitimate one, but at least for me, it's not good enough an excuse. Cause life will only get busier from here, it'll get more hectic, with more responsibilities and pressures that will come your way in multiple magnitudes and dimensions, it the commitment and effort to go, "I'll do my best" that makes a relationship work. It's the acknowledgement that this person that you like matters enough for you to work out life with her in mind. Work and studies will always be a priority, but these are different facets of life and cannot be put on the same measuring scale as relationships.

Perhaps he really isn't ready for a relationship, but aforementioned, if a person really matters and if you really like a person, you'd work your hardest to work towards being ready for her. But letting it fall into place passively speaks heaps about how he feels towards me. I think I have my answer. I can't wait in limbo for him to decide because it messes with my head too much. I like clarity, I need affirmation and if he can't give me either, then that act itself says a lot about what I mean to him. Like I've said, I won't wanna make someone a priority when I'm just an option.

I asked Brendon, what was it exactly about me that lands me in such situations, where the guys/boys/men in my life are always undecided when I think I'm already such an uncomplicated person.. and he went, "because they are the ones that are complicated, and being in limbo is the best solution, while it isn't the case for you". Seriously, what will I do without him..

I told him, honestly, that I wish I could just go to someone and say, "look, you know me best, you know what's best, just find someone who matches all that and I'll obey, I'll commit to loving that person for the rest of my life." and I think I know just who to leave this to.. my Lord.. He's in control. Like I've said previously, being in love with a person is important, but more importantly, committing to love someone is far greater and more essential than the feeling of love itself, simply because it means you're going to work hard to love the person, knowing that it'd be difficult and tumultuous, and committing to loving him through it all.. So yes.. I'm committing myself to THE guy that HE has planned for me.

Right now, I'm at peace cause I know I'm soaring on Eagle's wings.. I'm living in the plans in the palm of His hands.

Is he worth the wait?

"Trust and Obey", I tell myself that all the time. I don't know how many people actually struggle with that, but I honestly have my moments. I yearn to live a life that is holy and edifying to the Lord, I know I can never be perfect nor holy enough, but that said, I'm delighted to live in the truth that we have been made right with God when Christ died on the cross for us, we have been atoned and reconciled.

Yes. I'm struggling. It's not exactly a major problem, but if you've read my previous post on a Relationship Hiatus, I think you'd probably know where I'm coming from. I know and can feel the Lord impress upon my heart, to leave it to Him, to let HIM lead... To let Him lead me to the right one in His time, and whether or not it's him that we're talking about. I mean, after all, He has brought me to Perth, brought me into dentistry in the MOST amazing way ever.. what more something like love, which He is all about.. but but but.. I just can't help it at times.. it's really frustrating.

I truly understand where he's coming from, and honestly, it was something that I held really close to my heart. A couple of weeks into the relationship, I was reminded of what I believed.. That I'm going to keep my heart, guard it, for the one man I'm going to spend the rest of my life with. It's not to say that I'm going to be guarded with everyone, it just means, I'm only going to give my heart to the man God has willed for me, the one whom I know will guard my heart. I honestly started freaking out and thinking of all the "what if's". I liked him, but I couldn't say that he's the one, at that point in time that he'd be the one I can potentially spend the rest of my life with.. So it was good that we took a step back from being in a relationship to where ever we are at this point in time.

In all honesty, I do know that the feelings I have for him is something very special, something I've never experienced before.. but now.. I'm not sure (not with regards to my feelings, but his). That's why I say I'm struggling to "trust and obey". Right, if you know me well, you should know that I like structure, I like to have a plan, it's either black or white, and as much as I love the colour, I don't like grey areas. And that's how it's like right now, being in Limbo. It's alright if being in limbo means, "we're still getting to know each other and nurturing the feelings" or "we're taking a step back to see where the Lord takes us", these have a significant notion that we're still a part of each other's life.. that we still would want to be a part of each other's life, and more importantly, we still keep each other close in our lives.. BUT NOW... I'm not getting that from him. I don't know if it's me being over sensitive, but I don't know anymore.

"Trusting and obeying" in the Lord, would now mean, for me to trust Him, and just not seek and not WANT answers. It's for me to not decipher His will with my "messed up feelings and mind" and try to understand His will for me from my perspective.. It is for me to really just trust in the Lord and know that I have Hope in Him alone. But me being me, wanting to be as uncomplicated as ever.. Like answers. I've told the girls, that it will be so so much easier for me to box up these feelings and keep them away, only down side for that is.. once kept, it can never be retrieved. I don't want to try so hard, cause it gets so tiring. I don't want it to become this one way thing.. simply cause I don't really know what's going on on his side. He says he has feelings and stuff.. but his actions prove otherwise. Honestly, what am I to do or believe?

I honestly dislike being in these situations. Really. I'm not saying that I want to be in a relationship right now, cause I don't think I'm ready to make such a huge commitment to be in some sense, "pre-engaged" to someone, but I'm just looking for some affirmation that I'm not waiting blindly for someone. Next question is... Is he worth the wait?

A Relationship Hiatus

I SHOULD be studying rather than blogging, there's just so much to know and so little time to get it all down! A lot has been happening lately, don't know if I can actually put it down in words aptly enough. Perhaps, more accurately, I'm on a relationship hiatus. No, I'm not taking a break from him because I can't balance the two, in fact, come to think of it, the only time whereby we spend time together is at Bible studies, care group and Church, and that occasional hangout. So there's not much to cut down from anyway..

I still don't really know what this all means, in the sense that, I understand where he's coming from, but I don't know where that leaves us. Basically, I think he needs time to figure out his feelings and what they actually mean and how we fit into the larger scheme of things. Yes, I know this sounds really terrible and bad, and if you're one of my girlfriends, you'd probably start frowning and thinking.. "What an idiot". But in all honesty, I think it's a good thing as well, to think about where all this leads to.

It's not that we don't feel the same way for each other, but I think it's cause being boyfriend and girlfriend now means something a lot more to the both of us than it did, or than what society defines it to be. In his words, it's like "pre-engagement" and that in itself is a very loaded label and that's why I think it's legitimate for him to want to take a step back and see where all these leads to. (no, I'm not finding excuses to justify him, I honestly do think the same way too)

Anyway.. I'd be lying if I told you that I am perfectly fine and every thing's alright. No. I'm not. It does hurt that bit and it does sting.. But right now, I don't really know what to do and what not to do. It baffles me at times, relationships.. it's either I'm really bad at them, be it me being too nice or not playing by the rules of the "game", or it's just that I somehow, pick the wrong guys. As of now, he isn't the wrong guy, but at the same time, he hasn't proven himself to be the right one either.. SO.. perhaps.. the Neutral guy?! I don't know.

I don't know how my complex and mechanism will work.. I don't know whether I'll start blocking him out and shutting down my feelings for him bit by bit.. I really don't know if it would happen, but if it does unknowingly, then I really don't know what I should do, simply cause... When I shut my feelings down for a person completely, it's almost near impossible for me to ever feel the same way for that person again.. and I honestly don't know if it would ever get to that stage.

These situations are a tad frustrating and seriously.... I don't know why I'm always caught in them. Can't, for once, there be a guy who KNOWS exactly how he's feeling?!