A journey

Do you know how it feels to have doors closed shut right into your face? To be in a place where all openings seem to close shut? To be in a room where you see no light, where the path isn't bleak, just non existent?

When everyone tells you, "hey, why are you so persistent about something? Maybe it's just not for you. Maybe it's not in your life? maybe it's not God's will for you."

So what.. When all doors shut, it just means you give up?

Or should you give it your all, exhaust all methods, even if it means scraping at the wall so that that you can get a ray of light? I would do just that. Not because I'm stubborn, but because I believe.

What happens when that fails too? Do I give up?

What happens when something unexpected happens? When someone sees you in this room and thinks that you fit the bill of just what they are looking for? Do you jump at this window when it's not the one that you'll jump right out from?

What happens if you've struggled so hard to battle the disappointment and take a different route in life, do you then fight for it when someone else tries to dampen it?

I seriously have no idea. I don't think anyone will. I don't think anyone, remotely on this planet knows how I feel right now. The pain.. it's just excruciating. I don't expect anyone to understand, but pushing my limits and expecting me to smile and act as if everything is alright is so hard. Having to put up a strong front, taking all the blame, because it is, in every aspect.. my fault. There is only me to blame, no one else. Yet the pressure to face disappointments gracefully, with a smile and trying to find a silver lining through this is just so tough.

I try to. I really do. I wish I had answers, but I don't. I wish I could have the courage, but I'm trying to get it out of every single cell I have, but it's an exhaustive resource.

I wanna say I quit. I wanna give up.. But I've come too far to give up and I never have, even in adversity. I don't wanna make this my first.