Another sleepless night.
It has been weeks.. I just can't get to sleep. I don't know if it's from the agony of waiting, the anticipation, the hope or the fear of disappointment that is keeping me up. Something is weighing my heart down and there is completely nothing I can do.
When you want something and love something that much and that badly, it almost seems like desperation, it's like pushing myself to the edge and stretching my limits, there is only so many disappointments I can face gracefully, with a smile, with encouragement to people who root for me, that I'm okay and it won't bring me down.
I haven't heard from anyone yet and that's precisely why this is so agonising.
Waiting.. Is a lonely and scary experience.
There is barely anyone I can talk to who can understand, no one I can really rely on and no one who is fighting this by my side. I know I'm not alone cause the Lord is with me, but at times, I do feel I'm fighting this battle with no mortal beside me.
I don't need people to placate me and tell me to give up or people to tell me.. "it's just not meant to be". A feeling this strong cannot be wrong. I'm not being stubborn, I'm just trying to live my life, living my dreams. I need some one, yet the only solace and comfort I can find is within the quiets of my heart, the reflection in the mirror, the voice inside of me.
At times, I find this pursuit quite pointless, because it's been so long and I don't see myself reaching it. Yet, I know I will hate myself and regret for the rest of my life if I give up right now, if I give up to do something else, something I know I can do, that I will succeed doing but the only difference is, I may not love it. Climbing the corporate ladder and playing the corporate game, wearing a mask and portraying an image that is politically correct. These, aren't hard to do, in fact, it comes so easily, so naturally that it tires me. It tires me so much.
I doubt I can spend the rest of my life like that. I love dentistry, no doubt it does have its politics, but to the bare minimal, because I love it, because of my patients, I know the satisfaction is much greater than any of the pretence that will tire me. But if I were to give up right now, I know that's the way my life will be for a long long time. I really am tired.. of all the lies and the pretences in life and the last thing I want to do, is to live my life like that.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Monday, June 15, 2009
SUPER SIZE ME!
This is so SICK! I know it's been on the market for quite a while, but I just saw the video SuperSize ME today and I am totally and utterly disgusted. I mean, I admire his courage/stupidity for putting himself through this whole process to prove a point. What I honestly don't understand is why Americans don't understand that having everything up sized isn't the smartest thing to do. Or maybe, they think that's the wisest choice they can make, by saving money cause they just pay 69 cents more or whatever for a lot MORE. Which part of LESS is actually more do they NOT understand?
I am totally appalled by such extreme stupidity. I mean Mac diets are high fat, high calorie and high sugar. Many may argue against this show by saying that the guy is extreme by eating it three meals a day and that many people don't eat fast food so many times a day, but truth is, if you can put on about TEN pounds after 5 days of mac, then let me tell you, 3 times a week is bad enough. Really, ESPECIALLY when no exercise is done.
So.. you may ask, what health issues does this bring about.. Diabetes, especially an early onset in children, obesity related diseases like hypertension, heart diseases and a high chance of dying due to heart attacks, myocardial infractions. What else? Sleep apnea, hormonal imbalances, depression, compromised liver function, elevated blood urea that may lead to gout and a lot more.
Say no to fast food and never bring your child to Mac for breakfast. If you have it once in a long while, then fine, but make sure it doesn't become a habit.
So right now, my question is, do we, as Singaporeans think we're safe from this Macdonalisation/Fast Food-disation? To be honest.. I don't think so. Look at out obesity rates, the number of children who are actually unhealthy. I have to add, it doesn't mean that being smaller in size makes us healthier.
Anyway, here's my proposition.. We don't eat Fast food, ie: Mac and all that, BUT we have HAWKER FOOD! Wow.. now now.. I'm not biased about hawker food because of the place, I am very sure and certain that Hawker food is equally unhealthy. Why? Cause some use LARD! that's PURE FAT! Then let's look at the oil they use.. Trust me.. it's not the canola or olive oils you use at home, it's CHEAP MANUFACTURED MASS PRODUCED oil! Here is what most Hawker food contains:
A LOT of Carbohydrate
VERY LITTLE Vegetable
HIGH Sodium
HIGH Fat
Extremely Oily
MSG
Preservatives
Even if you're paying $2 or $3 for a meal.. ask yourself.. is it WORTH your money? You are eating things that doesn't feed your body's needs for vitamins and healthy fat. So listen, if you think it's cheaper to eat out then cook at home, it Ain't true.
I think we should start educating our people that FAST FOOD is BAD so is an overdose of Hawker food. Singaporeans.. WATCH OUT.. we're next on the list.
I am totally appalled by such extreme stupidity. I mean Mac diets are high fat, high calorie and high sugar. Many may argue against this show by saying that the guy is extreme by eating it three meals a day and that many people don't eat fast food so many times a day, but truth is, if you can put on about TEN pounds after 5 days of mac, then let me tell you, 3 times a week is bad enough. Really, ESPECIALLY when no exercise is done.
So.. you may ask, what health issues does this bring about.. Diabetes, especially an early onset in children, obesity related diseases like hypertension, heart diseases and a high chance of dying due to heart attacks, myocardial infractions. What else? Sleep apnea, hormonal imbalances, depression, compromised liver function, elevated blood urea that may lead to gout and a lot more.
Say no to fast food and never bring your child to Mac for breakfast. If you have it once in a long while, then fine, but make sure it doesn't become a habit.
So right now, my question is, do we, as Singaporeans think we're safe from this Macdonalisation/Fast Food-disation? To be honest.. I don't think so. Look at out obesity rates, the number of children who are actually unhealthy. I have to add, it doesn't mean that being smaller in size makes us healthier.
Anyway, here's my proposition.. We don't eat Fast food, ie: Mac and all that, BUT we have HAWKER FOOD! Wow.. now now.. I'm not biased about hawker food because of the place, I am very sure and certain that Hawker food is equally unhealthy. Why? Cause some use LARD! that's PURE FAT! Then let's look at the oil they use.. Trust me.. it's not the canola or olive oils you use at home, it's CHEAP MANUFACTURED MASS PRODUCED oil! Here is what most Hawker food contains:
A LOT of Carbohydrate
VERY LITTLE Vegetable
HIGH Sodium
HIGH Fat
Extremely Oily
MSG
Preservatives
Even if you're paying $2 or $3 for a meal.. ask yourself.. is it WORTH your money? You are eating things that doesn't feed your body's needs for vitamins and healthy fat. So listen, if you think it's cheaper to eat out then cook at home, it Ain't true.
I think we should start educating our people that FAST FOOD is BAD so is an overdose of Hawker food. Singaporeans.. WATCH OUT.. we're next on the list.
Monday, June 8, 2009
I Will Overcome
I really Thank God for Grace Methodist and Esther. Somehow at church service today, Simon was telling the congregation that he could sense that there were many in the midst who were going through emotional adversity and he was sharing with us that no matter how big the problem may seem to be, we ought to have faith and believe that God has a way for us, one that is perfect in its own right.
A way that may seem arduous, but at the end of the day, His path, as small and as obscure as it seems now, will unravel to show His majestic plan for us. Of course the end results are important, but the journey to it is equally important. Who we touch, who we reach out to and an arduous journey to us may be something that God will use to reach out to others as well.
It spoke to me. Loads.
As we were singing "We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the word of Your testimony.." I couldn't help but tear, because I know I will overcome by the Grace of the Lord.
Of course, I was relating some of my struggles to Esther and I seriously was a wreck.. I couldn't stop my tears. I honestly tried to not cry but they just started flowing. But she was really patient and gave me really good advise. I know that what ever it is, He will carry me through it all.
A way that may seem arduous, but at the end of the day, His path, as small and as obscure as it seems now, will unravel to show His majestic plan for us. Of course the end results are important, but the journey to it is equally important. Who we touch, who we reach out to and an arduous journey to us may be something that God will use to reach out to others as well.
It spoke to me. Loads.
As we were singing "We will overcome, by the blood of the Lamb and the word of Your testimony.." I couldn't help but tear, because I know I will overcome by the Grace of the Lord.
Of course, I was relating some of my struggles to Esther and I seriously was a wreck.. I couldn't stop my tears. I honestly tried to not cry but they just started flowing. But she was really patient and gave me really good advise. I know that what ever it is, He will carry me through it all.
Sunday, June 7, 2009
hoping for a tale
I'm on the verge of partial breakdown and complete insanity. I kinda try as hard as possible not to show just how stressed out I am, but some times it's just really tough. Trying to put on a smile despite having so much going through my mind.
There are, of course, many things that I give thanks for but there's just a lot of dilemma in my life and whatever I choose, it's going to be a gamble that I have to take and its consequences I have to face.
I haven't been able to sleep for weeks, hence the time at which I'm typing this is 4a.m.. I tried to sleep, or rather, tire myself to sleep.. My treadmill is morphing into my closest confidante.
And I just found out something new about me today. I am a WEEPER. Really. Or maybe it is me feeling emotionally vulnerable now, that I weep at practically everything on TV that is sad, touching or when I see someone else cry and I am actually quite amused.
Anyway, while I was running just now, I caught "You've got mail", for the hundredth time, I think. I just never, NEVER get bored of the show and shows like Pride and Prejudice. I've watched them a million times and I love it.
Or maybe, it's just a part of me that wishes that I could find someone like they do. Someone who knows them better than they do, can read their instincts and complete their sentences. Maybe it's the dream of being able to actually find a soul mate that attracts me to these shows, and the language they use in Pride and Prejudice. My goodness.. Mr Darcy and his arrogance yet so gentle and vulnerable in the presence of a woman who has bewitched him, mind, body and soul.
Well, all I can say is that Life isn't a movie and doesn't have a fairytale ending and probably that's why I will always be captivated by such movies. If only I can have a tale of my own..
There are, of course, many things that I give thanks for but there's just a lot of dilemma in my life and whatever I choose, it's going to be a gamble that I have to take and its consequences I have to face.
I haven't been able to sleep for weeks, hence the time at which I'm typing this is 4a.m.. I tried to sleep, or rather, tire myself to sleep.. My treadmill is morphing into my closest confidante.
And I just found out something new about me today. I am a WEEPER. Really. Or maybe it is me feeling emotionally vulnerable now, that I weep at practically everything on TV that is sad, touching or when I see someone else cry and I am actually quite amused.
Anyway, while I was running just now, I caught "You've got mail", for the hundredth time, I think. I just never, NEVER get bored of the show and shows like Pride and Prejudice. I've watched them a million times and I love it.
Or maybe, it's just a part of me that wishes that I could find someone like they do. Someone who knows them better than they do, can read their instincts and complete their sentences. Maybe it's the dream of being able to actually find a soul mate that attracts me to these shows, and the language they use in Pride and Prejudice. My goodness.. Mr Darcy and his arrogance yet so gentle and vulnerable in the presence of a woman who has bewitched him, mind, body and soul.
Well, all I can say is that Life isn't a movie and doesn't have a fairytale ending and probably that's why I will always be captivated by such movies. If only I can have a tale of my own..
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
something to think about
I haven't had a day of peace since I got my results last Friday. Not that my results were bad, in fact, this semester's was pretty ok. I Thank God for that. Like I previously said, this was the one time where I felt the least prepared for an exam yet I felt so at ease during it. It can only be God's Grace.
Apart from that bit of consolation, it has been an emotional ride the past few days. It's like, having to decide my future in such a short span of time. It's a decision I have to make that will chart the course of my life, where I would go, who I would meet, what I would do and the kind of life I would be living.
If you ask me.. I wanna be a dentist. I truly do. I'm not being stubborn, I just know that I would be able to help people and reach out the the underprivileged. I mean, I don't doubt that some get into this profession because they love it, others, simply cause having the "DR" in front of their name is a form of status symbol. While others are in it for pragmatic reasons. For me, I want to be in it to be able to help others experience the same change I felt. A change that was from well and deep within. Because I know how life changing it is and because I know how blessed I am, I wanna be able to share this blessing and gift with others. It's as simple as that. Yet, why is it so hard to believe?
I'm going to try my hardest, exhaust all possible means to do this. But if.. at the end of the day, I still fail, at least I fail dignified that I've given it my best and I have no regrets.
I got a verbal offer to the Hotel School Sydney, it's a business admin course concentrating in hotel management. I had an interview with the administrator and she didn't bother asking me about my grades, she just knew I had a BSc and she offered me a place. I don't know what she saw, but I believe she saw something in me that I never knew I had. "You're the kind of student we're looking for" were her exact words.
This is my greatest dilemma, do I give up fighting for something I love so much because there is such a wide open invitation for me? Or do I enrol myself for a course that doesn't guarantee me a place in dentistry, but only a place in health sciences, and see how I do for the first year? you know.. I'm at a loss.. An internal struggle.
With all the "What If's" just popping into my head.. all the questions about what is meant for me. I know God has a plan for all of us and He gives us choices.. But I honestly don't know which ones to choose cause it's been a tough journey and most of the time, it hasn't been easy making that choice.
What then should I do?
The next question others ask me, is whether I am up to be in the hotel line, simply cause it's so different from being a dentist. True. But it's the second thing that I am that bit confident of doing and excelling. Service is never a problem for me, but people doubt my abilities to face the ugly side of life, cause of the impression they have of me.. Maybe an impression that I'm sheltered and spoilt?
To be honest, I don't ever think so. If there's something I eat, it's the humble pie. What I have, what my parents give me and provide for me.. it's all because of God's grace. But it didn't come without effort. I saw how hard my parents had to work, our line of work is something that is more humbling and more taxing than anything. It's in no way glamorous nor easy, working 12 to 18 hours a day is the norm. Waking up at 3am to supply our clients is something that happens every other day.
In what way am I spoilt and sheltered? No doubt, my parents are strict with me, I have rules to follow and abide, But often, how many children my age actually listen and not revolt and rebel? I abide not because I have to, but because I want to.
I know how ugly the world is, I know how pragmatic it is. I've seen it all. That doesn't mean I have to live my life the way the world shapes it and THAT doesn't make me sheltered.
These are things that I don't seem to understand. what's the world coming to? where Clubbing puts you in the "in" crowd and smoking is perceived as cool. Drinking till your liver fails is the common hobby and catching up with friends is done on a dance floor in a club with loud pounding music? Explain to me which of these make any logical sense?
The fact that I choose a life that is NOT like that doesn't make me sheltered, it just means I have more logical sense and probably just a different perception in life and for life. For those who ask me.. "So what on earth do you do if you don't do all of the above" all I can say.. is I Live my life and do things that YOU don't.
Apart from that bit of consolation, it has been an emotional ride the past few days. It's like, having to decide my future in such a short span of time. It's a decision I have to make that will chart the course of my life, where I would go, who I would meet, what I would do and the kind of life I would be living.
If you ask me.. I wanna be a dentist. I truly do. I'm not being stubborn, I just know that I would be able to help people and reach out the the underprivileged. I mean, I don't doubt that some get into this profession because they love it, others, simply cause having the "DR" in front of their name is a form of status symbol. While others are in it for pragmatic reasons. For me, I want to be in it to be able to help others experience the same change I felt. A change that was from well and deep within. Because I know how life changing it is and because I know how blessed I am, I wanna be able to share this blessing and gift with others. It's as simple as that. Yet, why is it so hard to believe?
I'm going to try my hardest, exhaust all possible means to do this. But if.. at the end of the day, I still fail, at least I fail dignified that I've given it my best and I have no regrets.
I got a verbal offer to the Hotel School Sydney, it's a business admin course concentrating in hotel management. I had an interview with the administrator and she didn't bother asking me about my grades, she just knew I had a BSc and she offered me a place. I don't know what she saw, but I believe she saw something in me that I never knew I had. "You're the kind of student we're looking for" were her exact words.
This is my greatest dilemma, do I give up fighting for something I love so much because there is such a wide open invitation for me? Or do I enrol myself for a course that doesn't guarantee me a place in dentistry, but only a place in health sciences, and see how I do for the first year? you know.. I'm at a loss.. An internal struggle.
With all the "What If's" just popping into my head.. all the questions about what is meant for me. I know God has a plan for all of us and He gives us choices.. But I honestly don't know which ones to choose cause it's been a tough journey and most of the time, it hasn't been easy making that choice.
What then should I do?
The next question others ask me, is whether I am up to be in the hotel line, simply cause it's so different from being a dentist. True. But it's the second thing that I am that bit confident of doing and excelling. Service is never a problem for me, but people doubt my abilities to face the ugly side of life, cause of the impression they have of me.. Maybe an impression that I'm sheltered and spoilt?
To be honest, I don't ever think so. If there's something I eat, it's the humble pie. What I have, what my parents give me and provide for me.. it's all because of God's grace. But it didn't come without effort. I saw how hard my parents had to work, our line of work is something that is more humbling and more taxing than anything. It's in no way glamorous nor easy, working 12 to 18 hours a day is the norm. Waking up at 3am to supply our clients is something that happens every other day.
In what way am I spoilt and sheltered? No doubt, my parents are strict with me, I have rules to follow and abide, But often, how many children my age actually listen and not revolt and rebel? I abide not because I have to, but because I want to.
I know how ugly the world is, I know how pragmatic it is. I've seen it all. That doesn't mean I have to live my life the way the world shapes it and THAT doesn't make me sheltered.
These are things that I don't seem to understand. what's the world coming to? where Clubbing puts you in the "in" crowd and smoking is perceived as cool. Drinking till your liver fails is the common hobby and catching up with friends is done on a dance floor in a club with loud pounding music? Explain to me which of these make any logical sense?
The fact that I choose a life that is NOT like that doesn't make me sheltered, it just means I have more logical sense and probably just a different perception in life and for life. For those who ask me.. "So what on earth do you do if you don't do all of the above" all I can say.. is I Live my life and do things that YOU don't.
Monday, June 1, 2009
A journey
Do you know how it feels to have doors closed shut right into your face? To be in a place where all openings seem to close shut? To be in a room where you see no light, where the path isn't bleak, just non existent?
When everyone tells you, "hey, why are you so persistent about something? Maybe it's just not for you. Maybe it's not in your life? maybe it's not God's will for you."
So what.. When all doors shut, it just means you give up?
Or should you give it your all, exhaust all methods, even if it means scraping at the wall so that that you can get a ray of light? I would do just that. Not because I'm stubborn, but because I believe.
What happens when that fails too? Do I give up?
What happens when something unexpected happens? When someone sees you in this room and thinks that you fit the bill of just what they are looking for? Do you jump at this window when it's not the one that you'll jump right out from?
What happens if you've struggled so hard to battle the disappointment and take a different route in life, do you then fight for it when someone else tries to dampen it?
I seriously have no idea. I don't think anyone will. I don't think anyone, remotely on this planet knows how I feel right now. The pain.. it's just excruciating. I don't expect anyone to understand, but pushing my limits and expecting me to smile and act as if everything is alright is so hard. Having to put up a strong front, taking all the blame, because it is, in every aspect.. my fault. There is only me to blame, no one else. Yet the pressure to face disappointments gracefully, with a smile and trying to find a silver lining through this is just so tough.
I try to. I really do. I wish I had answers, but I don't. I wish I could have the courage, but I'm trying to get it out of every single cell I have, but it's an exhaustive resource.
I wanna say I quit. I wanna give up.. But I've come too far to give up and I never have, even in adversity. I don't wanna make this my first.
When everyone tells you, "hey, why are you so persistent about something? Maybe it's just not for you. Maybe it's not in your life? maybe it's not God's will for you."
So what.. When all doors shut, it just means you give up?
Or should you give it your all, exhaust all methods, even if it means scraping at the wall so that that you can get a ray of light? I would do just that. Not because I'm stubborn, but because I believe.
What happens when that fails too? Do I give up?
What happens when something unexpected happens? When someone sees you in this room and thinks that you fit the bill of just what they are looking for? Do you jump at this window when it's not the one that you'll jump right out from?
What happens if you've struggled so hard to battle the disappointment and take a different route in life, do you then fight for it when someone else tries to dampen it?
I seriously have no idea. I don't think anyone will. I don't think anyone, remotely on this planet knows how I feel right now. The pain.. it's just excruciating. I don't expect anyone to understand, but pushing my limits and expecting me to smile and act as if everything is alright is so hard. Having to put up a strong front, taking all the blame, because it is, in every aspect.. my fault. There is only me to blame, no one else. Yet the pressure to face disappointments gracefully, with a smile and trying to find a silver lining through this is just so tough.
I try to. I really do. I wish I had answers, but I don't. I wish I could have the courage, but I'm trying to get it out of every single cell I have, but it's an exhaustive resource.
I wanna say I quit. I wanna give up.. But I've come too far to give up and I never have, even in adversity. I don't wanna make this my first.
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