In God's time.. All is perfect

Boarding the flight back home over winter wasn't easy. I got on board the plane, excited to come home to my friends and family, but at the same time, heavy hearted that grandma wasn't doing too well. This short time back and even in Perth has just showed me two things.. That God answers prayers and that He is gracious.

Prior to returning home on the 28th, my flight was scheduled for the 1st. I honestly think I would have had a mental break down just thinking of the "what if's" if i didn't come home any earlier. But praying to take grand out of ICU and for her recovery came to pass. She's out of the hospital and rehabilitating at home, what brings a smile to my face is that she's so much more vibrant and lively at home. It reminds me of old times where grand and I would just sit and chat about everything.. Though those moments are rare now, it only serves to make them more precious. I love my grandma, selfishly, I'd want her to be there to see me walk down the aisle, to assess my boyfriend, to give me the love advise every grandparent would want her grandchild to know. But I know, all I want for her right now, is for her to be happy and content. 

Apart from that, coming home has been filled with a lot of "So who's the new guy.." questions. I kind of expected that, given the fact that I honestly haven't said much or told anyone about him, or rather, haven't told anyone in Singapore about him.

To be honest, I have never given a relationship that much thought and that far into the future as this, and I have not ever been so courageous in taking a leap of faith. For those of you who know me and how my family works, I have more or less tried to date someone that my family would generally approve of, just based on first impressions and their scope of expertise. Or rather, i try to take the easy way out, by picking someone like that so that I don't have to work so hard at making things work.. but somehow, it never would work out anyway.

This time, it was me knowing and conscious of the objections that I might have to face initially, and me knowingly walking into this relationship with the knowledge that it is something that I want to work towards to and with someone I'm willing to work for.

I may at times be a silly thinking mess with my head and its thought processes. I am rational and sometimes, TOO rational. I like to be in control, especially of my emotions, I don't like the idea that part of my emotions and how I feel is now partly dependent on someone too. That thought does scare me. Perhaps past hurts still haunt me or perhaps it's the fear of going through a heartache again. I really don't know. But what I do know is that at this point in time, I'm letting someone into my life, into my heart. That I potentially might have found the person I love as much as I love dentistry. It is a moment where I take a step back to fully grasp the magnitude, where I look at how it all began and go.. God is good.

If being in NUS for three years was what He needed to make sure we meet at the right time, then all I can say is that.. Everything in God's will falls in place really well. For fear of sounding cheesy, he is a guy who gives me pre-ventricular heart contractions (my heart skips a beat), he is a guy who warms my heart like no other, a guy whose eyes I love looking into and hands I love to hold. Some might tell me that "it's too early" or "it's too rushed" but this time, all I have to say is that, it happened in our time, at our pace and it's something I won't want to change.

As much as we don't know where our professions might take us in future, I know for once, I'm listening to my heart and having faith that God knows best. I know I want to work things out with him, I want to give this relationship a chance, if I had to take a leap of faith with a guy, it would have to be him. I am happy and content where I am and where we are. It may sound silly, but I'm excited at what life holds for the both of us.


*disclaimer: Mushy content ahead, Jocelyn would not be held responsible should you choose to read on*

To the man who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time, you have captivated me. Not just with your being, but your presence and your nature. I would never complain looking into those brown eyes, simply cause I see your heart and its magnitude I have yet to fully comprehend. I love how we share the same desires for our passions, our hunger for more than excellence from ourselves, our strive for betterment, yet when time calls for it, can fall and form a lovely romantic couple, stopping, staring and snapping (shutter happy =D), as we watch the world go by. Above all these moments that I love, it's you that make them perfect and you, Sherwin, that I love even more. Borrowing from Jane Austen, "You have bewitched me, body and soul, ..." and I will leave you to find the rest of the quote ;) and when you've found it, you'd have completed the very sentence to which my heart speaks. 

Love actually.... Happens

It's one of those nights where I'm in bed going.. When can I actually get to sleep. So instead of counting sheep, I decide I should do what I do best on sleepless nights. Blog. If you're a friend of mine and read my blog to keep abreast of what's going on in my life, I apologise for the lack of personal updates.

Life here has been fruitfully stressful. It's the exam period and I'm in my usual cranky, caffeine driven mode. I do love exams, it's just the period of studying leading up to it can be quite taxing and draining, but I'm fortunate that every single day, I'm reading something that I love! Apart from that, I reckon I'm fortunate that  I wake up everyday to God's grace and blessings, and just recently, He blessed me with someone my heart has grown fond of.

I know many of my girlfriends will go.. "Boy Drama" again. It is in some way pretty amusing how I have many more episodes here in Perth than in Singapore. That said, I have to say, this one is pretty spectacular without much drama and I'd say, a breath of fresh air.

I believe we've watched many chick flicks through life and somehow, for me, I have been desensitized and skeptical about love, about "falling in love". I give a snide chuckle when I watch chick flicks and go.. "right.. I'm sure this happens all the time". Up until now, I never knew it could... I never knew Love actually happens..

It was one normal tiring day at uni and I was just going about my thing, sticking to my routine and hitting the gym for bodycombat after uni. As usual, I rock up late (my hospital is quite a distance from the gym, fyi!) and there was this dude, at the side of the class room with a clipboard taking (what i think) was notes. I didn't really think much or saw much of him really, my focus was just to start the class and get my workout done. Mid way through the class, I grab a drink and saw really just how bored he looked, perhaps he wasn't, but that's what I would have felt if I were in his shoes, just observing and not punching away with us. I make a comment "Aren't you bored?", he looked up, sort of puzzled by that random comment and went "no no, I'm taking notes."

Of course now retrospectively, there's his part of the story to tell.. Which was him walking past the gym while I was in a Spin class the next day, and he looked into the class and saw me. Apparently, according to him, I gave him a smile, (but if you've seen me enough in Spin classes, I smile at random times cause I'm sadomasochistic and I love the lactic burn in my legs), but he walked on and thought to himself that it's too much of a coincidence and if he were to see me again, he'd chat up, cause he won't know if he'd see me again. (of course, at that point, he didn't know that I go to the gym four to five days a week).

Next time I saw him again, was at my regular gym class, bodycombat of course.. For some reason, he ran the class and we did sort of a short circuit training kind of thing and we managed to chat, not so much during, but after. Had sort of a generic chat with him after class about other courses in the gym that could push me more than combat and I think.. that was it.. I was on a bike doing more cardio after the class that day and he came up to me and we started to chat.

I know.. Most random place to meet someone, what more me in my WORSE state ever! All sticky and flushed from my workout, huffing and puffing from my cardio.. Mascara sort of smudged. Great way to make a impression..

I still remember him talking about what he does and randomly going, "do you like coffee?" and of course, with my genuine love for the drink, I said "of course".. and I think you should know what happened there after.. No.. coffee did not happen that weekend but a weekend later. What we did do, was study together, go for a fitness class together (which completely killed me), had pre-coffee date coffee, then went for our little coffee date.

Does this sound like a story line for a cheesy romantic comedy? I reckon so.

But honestly, where I am right now, I am content. Would I be happy being single? Yes i would and I have no qualms with celebrating singlehood, but he was a pleasant surprise. I remember Brendon telling me that if a guy really likes you, he'd want to be the best for you.. and with him, I see that. He makes me smile, truly from the heart. I know there was a period of time leading up to this where I wasn't sure and I'd have ran if not for how sure he seemed and his persistence.

I obviously have my fears and insecurities about this relationship which I have told him about, but I'm thankful that he knows them and have shown me how much he's willing to overcome them with me. I can't believe just how different we've been brought up, yet so so similar at the same time. I believe we both have a passion for what we want to do, he loves cooking probably as much as i love teeth, only difference is, his doesn't sound too wacko, but mine does. =)

He takes care of me, gives me his coat when I'm cold, writes me little notes, delivers food to me when I'm ill and sits with me till I'm no longer pale. He whips up a meal and warms my heart and writes me his heart on a card..

There's just so much more I'd like to share and only that much I can type.. but in all, I guess I'm content and happy in the thought that Love Actually Happens.

My thoughts on the Singapore General Elections

I am saddened. Truly and deeply saddened by Minister George Yeo's departure from Singapore's cabinet. Do we as Singaporeans know how to vote wisely?

During the recent general elections, I've seen so many once apathetic Singaporeans rise up to have a say in our politics. Standing behind the opposition and saying that it is time that PAP relinquishes their power. At this point in time, I question, do they truly know the repercussions of uninformed votes?

We crave for a voice that represents us in the parliament, for someone who'd stand up against the PAP. But does that mean we have to vote for the opposition?

I am appalled, truly bewildered that some people voted for the Reform Party. I question the quality of their representatives, their view on what truly matters and their representation of us in parliament and in the world. I am rendered speechless at some of the rallies, the issues that were raised were beyond mircoscopic.

Could I entrust my country, my home to someone who only has a microscopic view on the economy, on demographics? They raise issues like foreign expertise and talent, how they deprive Singaporeans of university places and jobs, but my question is, IF we are as good as them, we WILL and SHOULD rise up and pit ourselves against them and prove our worth. The betterment of a society is not about the exclusion of threat, but the inclusion of challenge. It says a lot about the people if all we do is exclude challenge. Are we then a nation that is onward, or are we a nation that regresses in complacency?

Do Singaporeans give thought about who they are voting out rather than who they are voting in? A smart voter would vote for someone who speaks for the people in a ruling party who CAN make a difference, not someone from the opposition whose voice may be heard, but overruled. An informed voter would put people who can see what the country NEEDS, what the people WANT and find a balance between the two, rather than just what the people WANT. At times, what we want may not be the best for our country and to put it bluntly, if our country doesn't prosper, we won't either.

What have we given up and done this general elections? We effectively voted out a minister with 23, TWENTY THREE years of political exposure and experience. I repeat, 23 years in which Minister Yeo served, he has been the face of Singapore to many countries, we have effectively thrown 23 years of man hours down the drain. Let's be honest here, we know how the world works and a lot of the time, it is the connections that get the job done, the people we know and the people who know us. Our net worth is as much as our network goes. So THANK YOU Singaporean Aljunied voters, you have dwindled our net worth as a country by 23 years of work. Well done.

Did it not cross anyone's mind that foreign ministers represent a country and other countries know us by who represents us? It saddens me so much to know that we've made a choice as such.. the damage and repercussions I cannot seem to fathom. Minister Yeo has done so much with such extraordinary vision, the affection, admiration and respect people have for him speaks volumes of him as a humble minister whose desire is for the people and his portfolio just adds so much more to him.

Don't get me wrong here, I am all for the voices of the people, I am all for capable opposition. Note, CAPABLE. As much as we can say we are a first world nation, we still have a long way to go as voters of one. Do we truly understand the power of democracy and are we well informed to cast an intelligent vote that would change the course of the country? Are we only interested in politics and the economy only during general elections and apathetic throughout? Do we only consider our interests rather than the interests of our country? Can we see things macroscopically?

I think we are still a young nation and our people have a lot more to learn and a long way to go in understanding democracy.

Oxymorons

Oxymorons - a figure of speech that combine contradictory terms


I think my life exemplifies that. Or rather, I think I have the tendency to put myself into them. Why? How? Why? How? I honestly don't know..


I love clarity in my life, I love situations to be as uncomplicated as possible, and likewise, relationships. But somehow, for some inexplicable reason, I end up in them. Perhaps in pursuit of clarity, I complicate things, in my head at least. For example, when someone says, "don't put all your eggs in one basket" in relation to relationships, my mind and brain just fires off at tangent.


First train of thought goes like this: "So, I'm one of the baskets, and that means I'm an option and thus he should not be a priority, and if that's the case, then I have to pull away to guard my heart, but if I don't allow myself to get to know the person, I'd never know him better. But But But.. if a guy isn't sure about you, then you should protect yourself and not let them in. So... RUN?!?!" 


Second train of thought goes: "You believe in the same thing too. So it's good that you are on the same page. but wait.. that means he isn't serious about this. So I shouldn't go on because it's a waste of time, but I don't know whether or not I can be serious about this either. So it should be alright.. right? But he should lead the relationship and if he isn't sure, then why not wait for him to be sure before even letting him be a part of your life." 


Third thought goes: "Right. Guards up NOW!! Immediately! Jocelyn, he isn't worth you thinking so much of if he isn't serious. If you're just an option, then walk out right now until he knows what he wants, until he sees your worth and pursues your heart."


Just imagine 20 or 30 of these thoughts running through my head simultaneously. I don't know how I do it either, but I just do. Part of me knows that at this stage in my life, I'm happy where I am, I would like to have someone to be a part of my life, but I need to be sure that this person is sure as well, but for that to happen, there will be a stage of "confusion" and that throws me off my clarity balance and my initial reaction is to... RUN. Am I a commitment phobe? Yes... and.. No? I think I'm phobic until I make up my mind and that's when my commitment is set and it's all or nothing. See what I mean by I exemplify oxymorons?


Why is it so complex? It's not supposed to be right? I know people just tell me to let it be, let time tell.. but.. All my questions need an answer and I feel exasperated when I don't get my answers and that adds to my confusion and leads to my withdrawal. Which honestly.. it's such a vicious cycle really. That's just the logical/rational part of me kicking in and I don't know what to do. 


I wish I can just untangle my brain!

Chemistry - the science of love?

Why do they call it chemistry? Is it cause of all the chemical reactions that take place in your body when you meet someone? Or is it the chemical reactions between you? Pheromones in the olfactory bulb on your cribriform? Or the endorphines that run through your veins? Reflexes that make you vasodilate, blush and feel butterflies in your stomach? 

Or, did some random guy, a long time ago, think of this as a reason to run/go into a relationship? It's something you can't really argue right? If he says,"we can't be together cause we lack chemistry (aka: the spark)" or when he says, "I think we should be together, cause we have so much chemistry". 

It's not quantitative, sort of qualitative and it's absolutely subjective. 

Question is.. Is chemistry enough? Can it last? 

I reckon every start of a relationship needs a little bit of chemistry.. Nothing would really work when the science of it doesn't work right? Simple equation, addition of reactants  - chemistry - reaction. I honestly wish it were that simple. 

My head. My heart. My head. My heart. My head. My heart. 

One's trying to out rule the other and I don't know which is going to win really, but I reckon only time can tell and will tell if my heart and my head can come to common consensus, which I think, would not be too hard a thing to do. I hope God will speak to my heart and lead my head to His will! 

Holiday reflections

Easter holiday was so timely. I just needed to go away from everything and just be with people who I know truly care and love me. College has been taking a toll on me. I don't dislike it, but I don't enjoy living here anymore. There's too much drama, far too mundane, that goes on. People too ungracious with distasteful attitudes. That's more or less life, I know, you don't get to choose who lives in the world around you, but I reckon, I should get to choose who I live with, and I just want to get out of here.. PRONTO!

Apart from that, Adelaide was beautiful! At least I was shutter happy! Took so many photos over the span of three days that I wonder, how did I even do that! But above all the nice shopping, (thanks to my big brother and his girlfriend for sponsoring my little splurges), what I hold close to my heart is when my brother prayed for me. The first time in my life, he prayed for me, while driving me to the airport. I cannot describe just how this makes me feel, but it meant so much so much to me. I know at times I don't say it enough or show it enough, but if I could, I'd really want him to know just what it meant to me, that simple prayer meant the world to me. It is also through this that I know that God is working in my family, that He answers our prayers. I hope, one day, I can have the same prayer with my parents too.

Well.. I miss my family so much. My parents and especially lil Jadon. I can't help but want to fly back to singapore to see him grow up, I want to be there when he takes his first step. I'm his auntie Joce, yet I'm so far from him. I want to read him stories and fairy-tales, teach him how to count and teach him the alphabet.. I guess I can only wait till the holidays. But as of now, I think I'm taking care of his lil wardrobe.. You're never too young to have style right! =D

Thoughts that overwhelm

.STRESS. Strength Through Reaching Ends, Skies and Stars. No.. I'm not delusional. Yes.. I'm Stressed. First time ever in my life, I'm actually stressed out. Clinic drains me and there's so much material to cover I wish I had 48 hours to spare a day. But sadly, as special as I think I am in God's eyes, He's not giving me that privilege.

I've heard enough of.. "you're too hard on yourself". Really? Am I?

You don't really know how hard you are on yourself or how far you're pushing yourself until you actually do. Fact is.. True to an ACS line.. "the best is yet to be", simply cause if you push and stretch yourself that much further, you can reach even further, even higher. That's not to say to stretch till you snap, it's stretching your limits, your boundaries, your capabilities so that you can do more and be more. I don't think that's asking too much of myself or me coming too hard on myself. Especially if it's for something that I love, for something that I'm passionate about.

Truth is, my life is good, great and amazing in fact. I look at what is happening around the world and just realize how small and how insignificant my worries are. Compared to a child who has lost her parents in the earthquake, or the family that has lost everything in one day, or the fear and turmoil to be living in in the middle east.. My life has the peace like a river. God has been so gracious and so generous with His love, that someone as undeserving as me have what I have. I have His love, I have His mercy, I have His wrath turned away from me.. I have His promise of eternity, I have His promise of His kingdom. Me. Small insignificant me. 1 out of 6 billion, 1 out of the whole universe and galaxy. He has chosen me and given me all these. How can I not be overwhelmed?