Oxymorons

Oxymorons - a figure of speech that combine contradictory terms


I think my life exemplifies that. Or rather, I think I have the tendency to put myself into them. Why? How? Why? How? I honestly don't know..


I love clarity in my life, I love situations to be as uncomplicated as possible, and likewise, relationships. But somehow, for some inexplicable reason, I end up in them. Perhaps in pursuit of clarity, I complicate things, in my head at least. For example, when someone says, "don't put all your eggs in one basket" in relation to relationships, my mind and brain just fires off at tangent.


First train of thought goes like this: "So, I'm one of the baskets, and that means I'm an option and thus he should not be a priority, and if that's the case, then I have to pull away to guard my heart, but if I don't allow myself to get to know the person, I'd never know him better. But But But.. if a guy isn't sure about you, then you should protect yourself and not let them in. So... RUN?!?!" 


Second train of thought goes: "You believe in the same thing too. So it's good that you are on the same page. but wait.. that means he isn't serious about this. So I shouldn't go on because it's a waste of time, but I don't know whether or not I can be serious about this either. So it should be alright.. right? But he should lead the relationship and if he isn't sure, then why not wait for him to be sure before even letting him be a part of your life." 


Third thought goes: "Right. Guards up NOW!! Immediately! Jocelyn, he isn't worth you thinking so much of if he isn't serious. If you're just an option, then walk out right now until he knows what he wants, until he sees your worth and pursues your heart."


Just imagine 20 or 30 of these thoughts running through my head simultaneously. I don't know how I do it either, but I just do. Part of me knows that at this stage in my life, I'm happy where I am, I would like to have someone to be a part of my life, but I need to be sure that this person is sure as well, but for that to happen, there will be a stage of "confusion" and that throws me off my clarity balance and my initial reaction is to... RUN. Am I a commitment phobe? Yes... and.. No? I think I'm phobic until I make up my mind and that's when my commitment is set and it's all or nothing. See what I mean by I exemplify oxymorons?


Why is it so complex? It's not supposed to be right? I know people just tell me to let it be, let time tell.. but.. All my questions need an answer and I feel exasperated when I don't get my answers and that adds to my confusion and leads to my withdrawal. Which honestly.. it's such a vicious cycle really. That's just the logical/rational part of me kicking in and I don't know what to do. 


I wish I can just untangle my brain!