It's complicated, life is so complicated.
My emotions are completely IRONIC and I have totally zero control over them. I am having tonnes of fun hanging out with my friends but I just can't feel truly happy. I smile, I laugh and I have fun, but I'm not happy. I've lost that child like reckless abandon and now all that is left in me is a tired soul, one that wants and loves something so immensely. I know it will be reciprocated, I know in time to come, I will. Till then... whatever it takes to fill that void momentarily.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
It's never too late
There were many firsts this week..
My first night out with my friends, my first stay over at a chalet, my first time cycling (and I finally can) and my first time taking the train with the girls.
I know, these things may sound very trivial to many but it's a really special moment for me. I have been brought up a certain way, to behave and think a certain way, and for me to step out of that familiar zone is quite an experience. For my parents to consent to them!!! That's even more amazing!
Well.. It was a good break from all the worries, a good heart to heart talk and just going crazy and cranky with the girls. I haven't had so much fun in ages. All I can say is that I really love my girlfriends and the part they play in my life, making me.. me. Thank you girls!
It felt really nice getting things off my chest and baring my soul to people whom I so dearly trust. Somehow, I feel like it is a form of letting go, a form of moving on, that I am no longer haunted or bound by a sad memory. It's over, it is all over.. after all the love, hurt and tears.. I'm going to say goodbye to a bittersweet period of my life.
I cannot guarantee that I will completely forget, cause I somehow have an insanely good memory.. But I think I won't remember, neither reminisce. I don't know what took me so long to realise that it was so silly to lose self esteem over someone who was so unworthy. Well.. even though this came a tad too late, but it is better late than never! To Hell with him!
My first night out with my friends, my first stay over at a chalet, my first time cycling (and I finally can) and my first time taking the train with the girls.
I know, these things may sound very trivial to many but it's a really special moment for me. I have been brought up a certain way, to behave and think a certain way, and for me to step out of that familiar zone is quite an experience. For my parents to consent to them!!! That's even more amazing!
Well.. It was a good break from all the worries, a good heart to heart talk and just going crazy and cranky with the girls. I haven't had so much fun in ages. All I can say is that I really love my girlfriends and the part they play in my life, making me.. me. Thank you girls!
It felt really nice getting things off my chest and baring my soul to people whom I so dearly trust. Somehow, I feel like it is a form of letting go, a form of moving on, that I am no longer haunted or bound by a sad memory. It's over, it is all over.. after all the love, hurt and tears.. I'm going to say goodbye to a bittersweet period of my life.
I cannot guarantee that I will completely forget, cause I somehow have an insanely good memory.. But I think I won't remember, neither reminisce. I don't know what took me so long to realise that it was so silly to lose self esteem over someone who was so unworthy. Well.. even though this came a tad too late, but it is better late than never! To Hell with him!
Friday, July 10, 2009
Chocolates, Life and Milestones
I was hoping to feel really happy about my graduation, it's not that I'm unhappy that I've graduated, but instead of having an overwhelming sense of joy, I have an overwhelming sense of relief. Not a single ounce of pride that I have made it through, just that sense of "Thank God it's over".
Don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that my NUS life was a nightmare, it was, if anything, more of a bittersweet dream with a happy ending. If life is like a box of chocolates, then each semester of my uni life is like a piece of dark chocolate, each with a different percentage of cocoa.
First sem was like an Irish Cream Dark Chocolate truffle.. Intoxicating and addictive yet not the most enjoyable chocolate to have. Like the Irish Cream, Love was intoxicating, in fact, being in love was the only thing that allowed me to escape reality. The reality that I wasn't living my dream, that there was something I loved so much that I could not do. In retrospect, I now know why I fell so hard for someone so undeserving, it was like channelling my love for dentistry to someone that was more tangible. Again.. the Silly mistakes I make in life.
Second sem was more of a 99% dark chocolate.. Nursing a broken heart in the midst of my exams wasn't the sweetest thing of all. I cried till I could cry no more, my heart bled till it bled no more. There were so many questions that I did not have answers to and I questioned God time and time again.. Why? Yes, I wasn't the most obedient Christian, I struggled to make things work when His voice was telling me, "he's not the one for you".. and God won.. I learnt then, never to fight His will simply because it's the best for me. I laugh now when I look back at how silly it all was. How I tried so hard to be someone I wasn't, just to be acknowledged by someone who doesn't know how to appreciate me for who I really am.
Year two, on the whole, was like a 70% dark chocolate, bitter at first but once savoured the sweetness of the chocolate lingers. It wasn't my best academic year but it was one that I enjoyed the most. I had the company of fantastic friends, meeting the most amazing individuals and living life as I should.. Planning weddings, doing up the house, hunting for furniture and picking up golf.. I realised just how diverse my interests were and how good I could be when I was serious about something. It was a year that I loved the most ultimately cause I could finally go to church with my mom's blessings. This is something I thank God for and I know that it all came true because of His Grace.
The first semester of year 3 was like... Dark Chocolate with Hazelnuts and almonds.. Full of surprises. A semester that God blessed me through the people around me and the new friends that I made.
And the last semester... Was like a brandied cherry dark chocolate. Intense, exciting, addictive and delightful. Forging bonds of lasting friendships and growing in Christ. The Lord has the most amazing and truly remarkable way of teaching us and allowing us to understand His will. I never understood His plan, or rather, the way He works His plan, yet I saw just how wonderful He can be.. It was like a sudden awakening one day.. That I was struggling so long for nothing when all that He wants for me is so simple.. Just to let Him be in control.
For so long I've hungered to be a dentist and this three years in NUS allowed me to know just HOW BADLY I love it. Because I had the luxury of time to see and understand the profession, I know what I want to do when I can do it. The passion never died, the flame only grew stronger and I know.. This IS my calling and I know no matter how long or how arduous the journey might be, I know He will carry me through.. No matter what obstacles I have to cross, I will cross it with Faith.
This is not the end of a chapter, but a new beginning. Commencement doesn't mark the milestone in my life, Grace does.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not implying that my NUS life was a nightmare, it was, if anything, more of a bittersweet dream with a happy ending. If life is like a box of chocolates, then each semester of my uni life is like a piece of dark chocolate, each with a different percentage of cocoa.
First sem was like an Irish Cream Dark Chocolate truffle.. Intoxicating and addictive yet not the most enjoyable chocolate to have. Like the Irish Cream, Love was intoxicating, in fact, being in love was the only thing that allowed me to escape reality. The reality that I wasn't living my dream, that there was something I loved so much that I could not do. In retrospect, I now know why I fell so hard for someone so undeserving, it was like channelling my love for dentistry to someone that was more tangible. Again.. the Silly mistakes I make in life.
Second sem was more of a 99% dark chocolate.. Nursing a broken heart in the midst of my exams wasn't the sweetest thing of all. I cried till I could cry no more, my heart bled till it bled no more. There were so many questions that I did not have answers to and I questioned God time and time again.. Why? Yes, I wasn't the most obedient Christian, I struggled to make things work when His voice was telling me, "he's not the one for you".. and God won.. I learnt then, never to fight His will simply because it's the best for me. I laugh now when I look back at how silly it all was. How I tried so hard to be someone I wasn't, just to be acknowledged by someone who doesn't know how to appreciate me for who I really am.
Year two, on the whole, was like a 70% dark chocolate, bitter at first but once savoured the sweetness of the chocolate lingers. It wasn't my best academic year but it was one that I enjoyed the most. I had the company of fantastic friends, meeting the most amazing individuals and living life as I should.. Planning weddings, doing up the house, hunting for furniture and picking up golf.. I realised just how diverse my interests were and how good I could be when I was serious about something. It was a year that I loved the most ultimately cause I could finally go to church with my mom's blessings. This is something I thank God for and I know that it all came true because of His Grace.
The first semester of year 3 was like... Dark Chocolate with Hazelnuts and almonds.. Full of surprises. A semester that God blessed me through the people around me and the new friends that I made.
And the last semester... Was like a brandied cherry dark chocolate. Intense, exciting, addictive and delightful. Forging bonds of lasting friendships and growing in Christ. The Lord has the most amazing and truly remarkable way of teaching us and allowing us to understand His will. I never understood His plan, or rather, the way He works His plan, yet I saw just how wonderful He can be.. It was like a sudden awakening one day.. That I was struggling so long for nothing when all that He wants for me is so simple.. Just to let Him be in control.
For so long I've hungered to be a dentist and this three years in NUS allowed me to know just HOW BADLY I love it. Because I had the luxury of time to see and understand the profession, I know what I want to do when I can do it. The passion never died, the flame only grew stronger and I know.. This IS my calling and I know no matter how long or how arduous the journey might be, I know He will carry me through.. No matter what obstacles I have to cross, I will cross it with Faith.
This is not the end of a chapter, but a new beginning. Commencement doesn't mark the milestone in my life, Grace does.
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