My Day

My Day, My valentines day.

It's really odd this year. I am so NOT excited about my birthday. Serious. I have no mood and zero joy. I am grateful that I am a year wiser, smarter and more mature. I am thankful that I have friends and family to share this special day with. but I just can't help feeling like this.

It coinciding with Valentines day doesn't help ONE BIT. Why? Cause..

If valentines day is about love, then not being able to do what I really love is a great kill joy.

If valentines day is about the celebration of love between a couple, then, sadly, it's been 22 years of celebrating it alone, even when I had someone in the past.

If birthdays are meant to be a celebration of one's life, I think I have failed miserably.

What on earth have I done for my life to be celebrated? or rather, for my year to be celebrated? What have I accomplished? Whose life have I touched? Who have I reached out to? Why should I celebrate? I feel so small, so incompetent, so undeserving of a celebration.

It's double the sadness, double the regret this year.

If birthday wishes do really come true.. It's been eight years. I'm making just this one wish this year to be able to do something I really love. If I can trade all my birthday wishes just for this one to come true, I will. Because then.. I know each year, I will have something to look forward to. At least each year.. I'm working towards my goal and my greatest love.