Nerves

I have never.. NEVER been more nervous in my ENTIRE life..

Taking my grade 7 exam wasn't even half as bad!

Friday. Submission of documents.

I was literally shaking the whole morning, I couldn't even hold my pen firmly. I don't know if my friends noticed, but I had to focus extra hard so as not to let my nerves get the better of me.

Goodness. This isn't the end of the road if I don't get it. But it will seriously hurt and kill. I've cried a thousand times over this, over rejections and over the love I have for it. If only I didn't love it so much then letting go won't be a problem at all.

I'm not trying to be a pessimist even before the results are out! But if ever anything on The Secret works.. Then I'm really trying to SUMMON all the ENERGY in the world to help me make this work!

Blessed

I'm blessed.

By the friends who stand by me..
Who pin point my mistakes without mercy and lend me their shoulders when I get all teary.
Who make my day with a smile, a message and a hug, drop me little messages to let me know I'm still remembered.

By my teachers and mentors who have faith in me..
Who believes in my aspirations and my dreams as much as they believe in me.
Who encourage me to never give up, cause tenacity will always do its part.

By my family who loves me so..
Who catches me when ever I fall and gives me the confidence to stand up tall.
Who never fails to warm my heart, with words, with love and a warm fuzzy hug.

Most importantly, because of God's mercy and love..

I am Blessed.

For those who made my day so special on the 14th.. Thank you. Be it a message, a call or great company, Thank You. It would not have been so perfect if not for you. I am blessed because there's you.

I've Got You

There ain't no sunshine,

just raindrops falling.

No bright moonlight,

just clouds in the sky.

There's no shoulder to lean on,

nor a hand to hold.

There's no bright light shining,

neither an open door.

I am walking alone,

voices of others drowned.

No one's footsteps to pace,

No one's to race.

I am walking blindly,

with Him guiding me.

I am walking alone,

but He, is watching over me.

I don't know where I'm going,

it's His footsteps I'm following.

I don't know what my future holds,

but with of Him, I'm bold.

I'm walking down this road,

an end I do not see.

There's no shoulder to lean on,

just faith to lead me on.

Sounds drowned, footsteps muffled,

it's His whisper that I hear.

I am alone,

but my heart is whole.

His love overwhelms me,

and His promise I hold.

His grace carries me through,

and with Him, I'm never blue.

I am walking alone,

but I've always got You.

-Jocelyn

My Day

My Day, My valentines day.

It's really odd this year. I am so NOT excited about my birthday. Serious. I have no mood and zero joy. I am grateful that I am a year wiser, smarter and more mature. I am thankful that I have friends and family to share this special day with. but I just can't help feeling like this.

It coinciding with Valentines day doesn't help ONE BIT. Why? Cause..

If valentines day is about love, then not being able to do what I really love is a great kill joy.

If valentines day is about the celebration of love between a couple, then, sadly, it's been 22 years of celebrating it alone, even when I had someone in the past.

If birthdays are meant to be a celebration of one's life, I think I have failed miserably.

What on earth have I done for my life to be celebrated? or rather, for my year to be celebrated? What have I accomplished? Whose life have I touched? Who have I reached out to? Why should I celebrate? I feel so small, so incompetent, so undeserving of a celebration.

It's double the sadness, double the regret this year.

If birthday wishes do really come true.. It's been eight years. I'm making just this one wish this year to be able to do something I really love. If I can trade all my birthday wishes just for this one to come true, I will. Because then.. I know each year, I will have something to look forward to. At least each year.. I'm working towards my goal and my greatest love.

CNY

Chinese New Year

Again, like December, I have a love-hate relationship with.

Well.. I love meeting people I haven't met in like the last year, I love the FOOD, the yu-sheng, the cooking at home, making of poh-piah and not to mention the red packets..

BUT what makes it most annoying, are the questions. I'm fine with people asking me what I'm doing, or what I'm going to do after university, but questions like the "do you have a boyfriend?", "where's your boyfriend?" and when my answer is "no". I get a whole series of questions.. "why don't have?", "why don't want?","your expectations too high is it?", "university should have a lot of boys, why can't find?" and well.. You get my point. I may not have had these questions for long, but seriously, five years is more than enough.

It's just so hard to explain, or rather, is there an explanation in the first place? Like SERIOUSLY? Is it my fault that I haven't found the right person? Or i just don't seem to be able to find people whom I have chemistry/connection (or which ever word you wanna use) with? come on.. I believe we have all been through this right!

Anyway.. that aside, I had a relatively fun time, hanging out with my relatives and friends. and in a very interesting way, it's a new year that i'm gonna remember.. quite vividly. ;)