Something has changed..

Something inside me has changed and I don't know what. I can't exactly put a finger on it, I can't describe it either. It's the first time in my life where I wish to be away from home. It's not the freedom of staying abroad that I miss.. But just that sense of personal space to do my thing in my own time, to be able to plan my time and life the way I want to and not according to "because I say so" or "I like you doing things my way". Is it that far fetched a thought that what they like may not exactly be what I fancy?

I know being family does mean making sacrifices and helping each other out, but I think I've had almost enough. And perhaps it's just the desire to go back and start uni just cause it's getting boring here in Singapore. Of course.. It's also that desire to go back to see someone I love so dearly. Being apart for about 2 months doesn't seem like the longest time, but a minute of absence seems like a year of agony. Cheesy I know, but I finally understand why people spend everyday with their best friends. Perhaps I never had best friends and have never understood what it means to really want to share every moment in life with one person. It has always been a rather obscure thought, but now, I finally understand.

Coming back home just made me realize that being away puts you in an environment that induces rapid change. You have to learn to live out of your comfort zone, speak to strangers and face challenges knowing that there's no safety net to catch you if you fall. You're on your own, you make your own choices, who you meet and what you do. It's like an exponential growth of experiences. I have to admit, I was afraid of going away, I was worried I won't be able to cope, but perhaps all my life, everyone makes me out to be the most sheltered, the most cared for, yet now, when I think about it, I might just be the only one that was most ready. Ready to spread my wings, ready to grow, ready to be challenged, ready to desire excellence, ready to love myself, ready to face life head on and most importantly, ready to fully trust and obey.. To finally be able to serve the Lord uninhibitedly.

Sometimes I think God has the most wonderful way of writing a story, my life story. He took me on a few rounds before bringing me to my dreams. He brought be around so that when I embarked on something so precious, my journey would be blessed so abundantly with the right people. He brought me to them and them to me. I can't describe just how blessed I am.. To have met the friends that I have met in Australia. To have met people who have changed my life, taught me so much and just so willing to share their life with me. That to me... is something so precious.

What's changed? I truly don't know, but what I do know.. is that this post-australia, post-Sherwin Jocelyn is definitely very different from how I was and I'm liking this version of me so much more. 

In God's time

My First Blog post on my new laptop! Yes, I finally bought my macbook pro! =D I'm one happy girl trying to figure out how to go about using it and getting used to extra spaces between my letters on my keyboard! 

I have been rather amused of late. Random gym chat ups and funny people coming up to me and speaking to me in the mall. It's weird, but at the same time, it's quite nice getting compliments from time to time. Only until it starts getting awkward and weird. -_-"

Some of the hardest decisions to make in life are those that you have to make against what you desire just because you know that is what's best and practical. Some decisions you know you have to make that you know will hurt, but at the same time, it's good to start preparing yourself for it so that when it actually happens, it won't hurt as much. I know there are some who'd argue their case and say that it'd just be a self fulfilling prophesy, but I'd rather prepare myself for what might happen than to meet it head on unprepared. 

Sometimes you have to sacrifice what you love to pursue what you love to do for the rest of your life. That's occasionally the cruelty of life that something's gotta give for the pursuit of happiness. I pray for the courage to try things out when the time comes, I pray for the strength to not give up, but I pray too for the wisdom to know when to let things go, to have the courage to stand alone so that passions can be pursued. 

I've mentioned it before that there really is no greater testimony of God's grace than to be able to wake up everyday thankful that you love what you're waking up to do and to enjoy every hard waking moment of it. If he were to pursue his passions, I'd be more than happy for him, I'd celebrate with him, even if I know that at the end of the day, I might not be pursuing them with him. I know I'd still be glad for him and pray for him each day that he'd find that joy that I feel. 

I know it's at times silly for me to think so far ahead and to worry bout what might happen, but like I always am, I'd rather be prepared. I know I'd be in tears, but I know that at the same time, someone I love would be living a dream and that in itself is priceless. Everything in God's time. 

First random blog thought of 2012

I have been asked so many times.. So what are your 2012 resolutions? 

Apart from doing well in third year.. what else? Have a better 25 year old self! =D New and improved! I suppose trying to combat feelings of insecurity. After so many years of being in relationships and after so many months of being with sherms.. the feeling of vulnerability still gets to me. It's something that I don't like feeling, it's something that scares me and it's something that makes me run into guard up mode. It messes with my head a bit too much.. anyhow.. I guess 2012 is about working towards a Godly life, cause only He can take away all these insecurities and fears and He is the only person I can rely on! 

2012

First day of 2012! Happy New Year!

How awesome it is to start the New Year by thanking God for all the things that have happened the past year and thank Him because He is faithful and the year ahead will be full of His goodness! We were asked to take a moment to think of things, events and people in 2011 that we're thankful for, events or people that were so significant that we know it marks 2011.

Well.. I'm thankful that I got through second year dent! =) I'm even more thankful that I was able to come back in time for my Grandma, I'm thankful that the Lord preserved her for that few moments more for me to see her once again. I'm Thankful for the provision of my studies by my parents, I'm thankful that I could go on holidays without worry! I'm Thankful for that one combat class that I went to that allowed Sherwin and my path to cross.

I'm Thankful for the wonderful blessing of passion that I have for dentistry, I'm thankful that every morning when I wake up, I yearn so much to go to uni, I crave so much to be better, I'm thankful that I can live my dream. I'm Thankful for City Network Church and SMA, for the family they provide, the support that they give and just the tremendous grace that I've been blessed with being amongst my family in Christ. I'm Thankful for the growth in the Word and for the Word and Spirit that guides me.

I'm Thankful and blessed by the wonderful people in my life. My sisters and brothers in Christ, in Perth and in Singapore, who never judge and always willingly listen, understand, support and encourage. My wonderful friends in uni and my college mates. My old time friends from a long time ago who are ever so ready to receive me with open arms whenever I'm back. My Family who loves and supports me, my extended family and of course, my beloved special someone. The list is almost non exhaustive.

It took 5 minutes of reflection in one night to make me realize just how blessed I've been, how rich my life has been coloured by the love and presence of so many. I realize that whenever I feel alone, I just have to stop and remember that God has blessed me so abundantly and so graciously. I am so excited for the year ahead and the lessons I will learn from, the Growth I will have, the closeness of God and the wonderful abundance that the Lord has promised.

2012! It is going to be a year of God's providence!

A good year

2011.. It's time I bid you goodbye and welcome 2012. 

You flew by so quickly, mercilessly taking away precious moments, shortening the happy moments, yet at times, seem to cruelly lengthen heart wrenching moments. You, 2011, did not disappoint, it is after all, a good year.  

This time two years ago, I was eagerly waiting to start dental school, who knew that two years later, I'd be looking forward to third year. Everyday is truly God's grace, it's truly His love that brought me to the right place, to serve Him, to serve His people and to be able to live a passion so dear. I still am that little kid that has just been told that her dreams are about to come true.. that love and that excitement of starting uni again just never ceases. 

I wish at some point of 2011, time would have stopped. Time would have stopped for me to spend time with grandma, for me to be able to cuddle up to her like old times and really just tell her how much I love her. I'm thankful I got to spend the last moments with her, but just some times, I still wish I had around. She was a woman beyond her time, she had a mind so modern, it's unbelievable and I have to say, she'd possibly be the funkiest grandma around. At least in my heart she'll always be. I would love for her to meet Sherwin, I would love for her to give me her thoughts, and most importantly, for the people I love to meet one another. 

Then again, 2011 was the start of many changes in my life. I finally mustered enough courage to do back up at church and finally learning to understand that God qualifies the called. Taking up roles I never imagined I would take up in SMA. It saw many friendships breaking down, yet the building of strength in my family in Christ. It made me realize the importance of some people, their significance in my life and the lack of in some.. It made me realize what was truly worth keeping. 

2011.. of course.. how can I forget.. saw me falling in love. After so many months, it's still so vivid in my mind. The first time I met Sherwin, how we "spoke", how we got to know each other over gym sessions and  countless nights of studying in the business school, how someone who was a stranger, slowly became a friend and now, my best friend and a man I so love. I cannot describe this feeling, for once I'm at a loss for words. 

Sherwin's influence in my life didn't just start from my diet (which was healthy, but I wasn't eating right), he influenced the way I worked out, the way I looked at myself and just became such an integral part of my life that for once, that commitment phobic brain of mine is becoming tame. 

It's because of him that I realized I've never known what it meant to miss someone. To miss someone to the point of being brought to tears at the thought of him. Because of him, I've finally found the courage to pursue a love I never dared to pursue, to go against what was "the easy way out" and to go against the expectations of others and love what my heart desired. It was because of him that I found that life in me again, to finally tell myself that I should stop living in the shadows of familial expectations and judgement, but to live for myself, for what my heart desired. He's given me the courage to believe in myself and love myself that much more. To be honest, I've never been more comfortable in my own skin as I am now. 

I have met a man whose desires are in tandem to mine. To find someone who cares for the homeless as much as I do, who feels for the unfortunate like I do, who loves and respects life as much as I do, who adores children and the companion of animals. Someone who loves to cook more than I do, who loves fitness and working out like I do, who enjoys taking photos and won't grumble having long chats with me. Someone who'd laugh at my jokes, or rather, someone who gets my humor, and someone I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. I'm rather blessed that this wonderful someone came into my life. When I wasn't searching, he came and filled my life with so much love. I am just thankful that God had willed for us to meet, for our paths to cross and for us to find so much comfort in each other's presence. I'm looking forward to the life ahead of us Sherms.. I know God has a lot installed for us and I'm blessed and thankful that we're both His children. 

2011, 2011.. you've brought with you so much tears, of joys, of sorrows and laughter. I will remember you 2011.. you've been a good year. 

Post Christmas thoughts

Jingles, lights, parties, gatherings, food and presents.. nothing truly can compare with presence. 

Christmas is a celebration of the AND. It is the celebration of the birth of Christ, that we, a long time back, were chosen to be saved because God loves us. He was born on this day with God's providence to save us. It reminds me that despite all the temptations, hardships and trials that he had to go through, Jesus stood steadfast and obeyed the Lord. 

Christmas is a reminder that the prophecy has been fulfilled, that the messiah has come, but it is also a reminder, that the second part of the prophecy has yet to be fulfilled. That Jesus will return again to judge. As much as I love presents, all I wish this christmas is for my family to know Christ, to know the Lord. 

Coming home is always bittersweet because I love my family, I love my friends and I love the fellowship that I have with everyone. Yet sometimes, the pain of seeing unfulfilled lives, seeing lives that aren't content and happy, seeing lives led by meaningless pursuits.. It pains my heart so much to know that people I care about, people I love, are leading lives pursuing goals that are transient. It pains me to see them searching for happiness yet not realising that happiness is not far from them, true joy comes with the peace from God. 

I cannot say this enough, that there is true joy, true purpose and true love when you've found that missing God shaped void in your heart. Or should I say, when He gave me His grace. 

At this moment in my life, I can only say, I am truly content, truly happy. I know this Christmas is one that made me realize many things in my life are so perfect only because He has provided for me. He has given me a wonderful family, amazing friends, beautiful friendships, a burning desire and passion for what I do and not only that, blessed my life with a man I can share it with, a man who has become by best friend. I have never missed a person so much. Perhaps, just perhaps, I'm realizing what it really means to fall in love. 

This has truly been a wonderful Christmas and I'm so so blessed and so thankful. 

ARGH!

An exam that covers TEN lectures may seem quite harmless.. But it DEPTH that it covers might as well be the WHOLE BLOODY TEXTBOOK! 

Yes.. I'm stressed. Removal Partial Dentures will probably bring me to my tipping point and perhaps thursday's LA might just push me over. I love dental school.. can't wait to be a dentist, but that's if I GRADUATE and get out of it ALIVE AND SANE. 

The content. The CONTENT is enough to drown me that I can't even have the luxury to drown in my sorrows.