Reflections

A year has just gone by, so quickly and swiftly, leaving just trails of memories behind.. Some, like footprints in the sand, fading with the wind, yet others so deeply etched within the depths of my heart that it takes my breath away.

2010 ended with a blast, ending it in church with people I love and care about and most importantly, with the author and potter of my life.. God. He has just manifested in my life and transformed my heart and spirit to seek Him. I am just absolutely blessed by the revelation that He has chosen me and given me the grace of faith, that every moment of my life has been scripted and crafted by Him especially for me.

Last year just made me realise how wonderful and amazing God has been in my life, how He has so abundantly provided for me to be in Dental school, for my family to provide and support me through it and most of all, give me such a desire and love for Dentistry. I cannot explain just how blessed I am to be able to be able to Do what I love and be in Love with what I do.

Of course, 2010 has its little moments where I was teary eyed and nursing a somewhat "broken" heart. But it was also through these moments that I realised just what I need and do not need in my life.

So this year.. I'm making it a point to allow myself to be nicer to myself, to love myself that bit more and to finally take that step to know that I do deserve someone who loves me and treats me right. This year.. I'm keeping God's vision as my vision and in all that I do, Honor Him and glorify Him.

There's just so much going through my head right now that I think it deserves a post of it's own. As of now.. I'm feeling so torn, as always, coming home has made me realise just how much I love Singapore and why I love being home, yet at the same time, I can't wait to go back for school to start, simply cause.. I can't wait to start the thing I love and know it more.

2011!!! I'm coming for you with blazing faith and God's grace! This will be a good year!

Gr(ade)eat Disappointments

2010 is coming to an end, to be honest, it probably is one of THE most fruitful years in my life. If I were to look at how I am now as compared to me pre-australia and pre-dentistry, I think the Jocelyn that left wasn't the Jocelyn that came back.

I have never, NEVER once in my past 23 years ever studied as hard as I have this year, or rather, I never knew what it meant to study until now. Perhaps it's the passion or perhaps it's just God preparing me all my life just for today. He probably knew that if I were to be an overachiever at a young age, I'd probably burn out now and not have that desire to study, but because right now, in my opinion, I HAVE NEVER studied EVER in my life, I'm actually trying to make up for the lost time. Ironic isn't it?

I wish I had the same fire same desire for my books in NUS as I have in UWA, but at the same time, I'm thankful I didn't make the rat-race in uni my priority cause I won't be enjoying and loving what I'm doing now as much. Well.. That said, I got my results today.. (imagine big sigh and a look of disappointment) I didn't do as well. A high distinction, two distinctions, a credit and a pass.. I know I can do better than this. I would typically be ecstatic if I had this in NUS, but this really does not satisfy me at all.

Apart from that, I've got a lot of self-reflection to do and a lot more to post about my thoughts, just that blogging at 5.30 in the morning isn't the best time, given the fact that I've not even had a wink. Off I go now, more rants to come.

GRRRrrrrrrr!!!!!!!! EXAMS!

Exams exams exams.. The word itself just sounds so tense. Call me a sadist, but I do enjoy these stress inducing, nausea activating, coffee gulping and mentally draining events. Yes. I'm quite a special one. I wish I did as well as I enjoyed them though, that would have been a good combination.

Never have I, NEVER, in my life, read through my textbook (s) cover to cover. Seriously. Those biochemistry, molecular biology, physiology and anatomy (Garrett&Grisham, Alberts, Sherwood, Gray's.. Sounds familiar?) textbooks that I've had since my NUS days have been UTILIZED. BRUTALLY.

Three years in NUS and I barely flipped those books, just a couple of months here, I've practically read most of them cover to cover (ok, I admit, a bit of exaggeration here), but close to it! There's SO much to know, there's such an intense hunger to know and to absorb as much as I can, only thing is, there isn't much time.

I'm crossing my fingers about Normal Systems, it's not humane to squeeze the breadth of three semesters worth of medical school anatomy into one for dental students and call it NORMAL systems. It is totally and absolutely NOT AT ALL normal. Yes.. as you can see.. this is what it has done to me. Six exams in ONE week. AWESOME! I'm half done, half to go! I'm going to pull through this!!! I may not do well in SOME of the units, but I'm going to do what I can, in what little time I have, to do well for the rest of it! I DON'T believe I can't!!!!

(you see the determination in my eyes? Imagine it!) *ROAR*

The Road of Recovery.. and a note to Whoever you may be..

Life indeed has its surprises.. Some take your life on a whole new journey, test your limits, allow you to grow, make you whole and occasionally some catch you off guard and it's only retrospectively that you'd be able to see what good came out of a surprise that 'bad'.

I think these two weeks have been rather harsh emotionally.. I mourned with a friend over loss, prayed and hoped alongside another while her family fought, thankfully victoriously, against cancer, I said pre-mature "goodbyes" to friends whom I wish I had more time to know, to friends, who I may not spend a lot of time with or known very well, yet, whose very presence has made such a significant difference to my life. The thought that I'd possibly never see them again, never be able to say that casual "hey, how are you going" along the corridors of college. Perhaps I'm just an emotional type of person, but it really took a toll on me. A good cry didn't even work this time.

I think of all the "worries" that have been burdening my heart and wonder, how does it compare to all of that? All the questions of.. "I wish I knew.." all seems so redundant. Why do affairs of the heart affect me that much, a girl that uses her head more than her heart? Or rather, attempts to rule her heart with her head.

I know time will tell, whether or not it's meant to be.. and if it's not, I'm sure time will take the pain while I grow out of him. I don't know. It's just frustrating simply cause I wish I knew how he was feeling right now, it's not easy to just not think of someone and wait for him to sort himself right, without knowing whether or not it's all in vain.

Right now, I know my exams are a lot more important than this, I know my second greatest love (God being my first) requires my absolute attention and that's what it will have. It's just when I'm taking a blog break that I ponder.. that I think.. I wish life didn't have THAT many surprises, or surprises within surprises. He was a surprise, but who knew, he had another surprise for me when he came into my life. I was watching Mr Bean's holiday for a bit, and was reminded of what my mom said, that he had mannerisms like Bean's.. though I know it wasn't a compliment from her side of the story, but it's what I find absolutely endearing.. It's his eccentricities that I've grown to like. I do, I really do see his faults, but at the same time, I know those are the things that make him him, and faults that don't seem to matter when I see what draws me to him and that extra thing, that I've still yet to figure, that grips me.

At times, I really wish I knew what it was and it'd be easy for me to let it go, like sand in the wind. Perhaps I'm just a hopeless romantic.. Or maybe I'm really not as good as I claim to be at taking my feelings in hand.

I got reminded of a song, a song that I really loved years ago.. and I think.. if I can, I want to dedicate it to my special someone, who ever you may be, be it.. you, or someone I've yet to meet.. Its lyrics depicts aptly my feelings for the person who'll make claim of that "special someone" in my heart..

That's when I love you - Aslyn

When you have to look away

When you don't have much to say

That's when I love you

I love you, just that way

To hear you stumble when you speak

Or see you walk with two left feet

That's when I love you

I love you, endlessly

And when your mad cuz you lost a game

Forget I'm waiting in the rain

Baby i love you,

I love you anyway

Here's my promise made tonight

You can count "on" me for life

That's when i love you

When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, The more I love

The more my heart cant get enough

That's when I love you, no matter what

So when you turn to hide your eyes

Cause the movie it made you cry

That's when I love you

I love you a little more each time

And when you cant quite match your clothes

Or when you laugh at your own jokes

That's when I love you

I love you, more than you'll know

And when you forget that we had a date

Or that look that you get when you show up late

Baby I love you, I love you anyway

Here's my promise made tonight

You can count "on" me for life

That's when i love you

When nothing you do can change my mind

The more I learn, The more I love

The more my heart cant get enough

That's when I love you,

When I love you no matter what

That's when I love you

When nothing baby

Nothing you do could change my mind

The more I learn, The more I love

The more my heart cant get enough

That's when I love you,

When I love you no matter what

No matter what

Emotional nights

It's once again valedictory dinner. It didn't feel that bad last semester, but this dinner brought tears to my eyes. Some friends are leaving, moving on with their life, yet it's a bittersweet feeling that I have within me. I wish so much that I had known them more and had a deeper friendship with them, yet, I'm just thankful and blessed that they've come into my life and left such deep footprints in them. I love them to bits.

I don't know whether it's cause of that that I'm emotional now, but I miss him, I miss him loads. There are lyrics to a song that really says it all, it's by Daniel Bedingfield - If you're not the one..

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know life so far away
But I know that its just a trip
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I'Ve build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

Some things aren't so easy to figure

It's pretty amazing, come to think of it, how far (figuratively and literally) I've come. I would think leaving home to come to a foreign place would be the scariest thought on earth, yet I was eager and excited for this new journey. Perhaps me being passionately IN LOVE with Dentistry made things a lot better and smoother, but I was also really looking forward to this time of independence. Being in Perth, building my own life and my own comfort zone has been one of the best experiences in my life. That said, I have to admit though, that though I was independent, I am still very much dependent. I don't think anyone can truly be independent.. I realised just how much I had to rely on the Lord and how He has planned, perfectly, for my friends to be around me at the right time, at the right place.

Yes.. I've come so far and in a glimpse lived here for almost a year. It still seems rather surreal to me, being in dental school.. this gift still surprises me every time I think of it. I know everyday I go to school, I wonder, just how amazing this is, how thankful I am for being here. Each and everyday, I fall deeper in love with what I'm doing. For that, I'm extremely blessed.

And in just these couple of months, I've met the most amazing and diverse group of friends. From the Northern hemisphere to right down under.. How cool is that?! and within these couple of months, I've fallen in love and some what, out of, or.. have I? I don't know. This is the first time I've actually taken a relationship rather seriously, simply cause I've never realised I could feel this way for someone, just the depth of it took me by surprise.

After Desmond, I thought I could never feel the same way for a guy again, simply cause I lost faith in the gender itself. Then I met him.. A guy who doesn't fit my expectations, yet there's just something about him that grips my heart. Till now, even after so long, I still can't figure.. Perhaps I'm not supposed to.. but I reckon, once I do figure what it is exactly about him that grips me, it'd be so much easier to let all my feelings go.

I think those of you who know me well enough would know what once I set my mind to doing something, almost nothing (but God) can stop me from it. The same goes for relationships, it's not hard for me to put my head into my heart, to rationalize things and to see for myself just why things won't work, once I do, I almost immediately can move on. Yet this time, I have a list, a rather long and non-exhaustive list of the reasons why we won't work out, yet I can't rule over my heart this time.

I know at this point in time, I can't give up my lifestyle for the country, I know I won't be able to live a life that is so slow, I know I can't give up the "city" in me. I look at him and I can list things about him that would get on my nerves, how he just does not at all fit the bill.. He's not gentlemanly in his mannerisms, in the sense that he doesn't get the chair, nor the car door, nor does exude the whole "I'm here to protect you" thing.. He isn't ONE BIT sensitive to my needs, or to how I'm feeling, he's one of the least caring persons I've ever met, or rather, he just doesn't show emotion that well.. and he's not exactly the most driven guy I've met, nor one that makes me his priority.. All that would totally put me off. TOTALLY. And I've prayed, over and over again, for Him to take the feelings away, but even after all that.. My heart still feels for him. I'm exasperated, not at him but at myself.. Just why is it so hard this time?

I wish I could figure things out, I've given up trying at the moment, cause I don't think I'll ever come to a conclusion. I know HE is telling me to wait upon HIM and HIS plans.. sometimes.. just sometimes, it gets really tiring.

The Little bits of Life

These couple of days have been hectic. Assignments and disappointments make the best recipe for disaster. I officially can't get a high distinction for Operative Dentistry, it's something that I've been working so hard for during practicals and I'm blessed that I did well in that aspect, but the mid semesters were impossible, and hence my utter disgust and disappointment at myself. Well.. All hope isn't lost, though this sounds nearly IMPOSSIBLE, I still can get my HD if I get about 90% in the finals. I'm going to give it my best shot, at least I know if I don't, I've let myself down with that bit of dignity.

Apart from school work, there's a part of my head and bits of my heart that is still trying to rationalize things. I was just telling Esther that it'd be so much easier for me to give up my feelings if I can rationalize that one thing that draws me to him, only thing is, I still haven't figured what exactly that is. She told me that perhaps its Him that isn't allowing me to figure it out. I really don't know. It's really hard for someone like me, who likes answers and abhors uncertainty to be in a situation where my head says, "give up, you've rationalized this and it doesn't make any sense for you to feel this way", yet there's this little voice in my heart that says, "No no. There's something special about him that's worth the wait.".

Don't get me wrong, I'm not mulling over this day in and day out, it's just something that comes to my mind once in awhile. When I watch a chick flick, hear a sappy love song and sometimes when the girls talk about having a special someone, I still think of him. It's bizarre if you ask me, simply cause I know how I work and Jocelyn doesn't do this AT ALL. I'm more determined when it comes to my feelings, but yet, I don't know why this time, it all feels different. I know God is telling me to let Him be in control and that's what I'm doing. I'm not trying, I'm not putting in the effort..

I honestly don't know. Writing and blogging is my only way of getting my thoughts out of my system. I wish he knows how I'm feeling, I wish he could man up and tell me what I should do.. At times I really wish I could be as stone hearted as I was.. I don't know what magic or charm he had that broke my walls, cause I'm finding it really hard to build them up again.