I'm in the middle of my exams, I should really be studying, but just taking a step back, I realise I'm not exactly at the end/middle of my exams, in fact, this is just the beginning of a crazy ride. I've had 6 exams so for for semester one, not really including the mid semester ones, but anyway, 2 more to go, then 10 days back home, early start to the clinic life, the one exam, 2 assignments due, then a string of case presentations, exam again and our final fourth year exams in October.. THIRTEEN i think. Now... If someone were to say to me again, "how hard can drilling teeth be"... I can only say... "Good luck trying to fix it yourself!"
I have no regrets whatsoever embarking on this amazing journey I now call a blessing. I cannot describe the amount of stress and the ever present looming sense of failure when I'm trying to keep up with my requirements, they don't seem a lot for each speciality, but cumulatively with our clinic hours cut back, it's quite an uphill battle, (that, mind you, half of the previous year could not achieve with about 30 more clinical hours).. so that gives me great delight and hope knowing that I have set foot on the fourth year of my course trying to do what a lot of people can't.
It's interesting how I have this immense baggage on my shoulders and yet I feel this lightness in my heart, this joy, this immense joy in my heart because four years ago, it was bleeding so hard just to get into dentistry. I'd just like to take a minute to analyze this joy in my heart... is it the sense of satisfaction? the knowledge that I'm probably 7/10 of my way through the degree? Is it the immense love for my patients and for the fact that I can help make a difference in their lives and they too, have value added mine? Is it the child like spirit in me that loves making stuff, moulding and waxing, carving and fixing, like mini DIY projects? Perhaps it is, it probably is all of it. But I know most of all, I have such joy under such stressful circumstances because I know and I finally understand what it means when I say, "God has got my back". And He has. He has been faithful when I am not, He has been gracious when I've been rebellious, He has been merciful when I turned away, He has been patient when I've questioned Him, He loves me even in my most sinful state and I know He has given me this wonderful answer to my calling because He saw just how much I wanted it.
I know He has brought me so far, carried me through this time only to bring me closer to Him. It takes every ounce of my breath away knowing that He, the creator of all things, would do so much just to love me, just to bring me back to Him, to draw me closer to Him. Perhaps you wouldn't understand what this whole "God loves me so much" thing is about, but I can only pray that you, who is reading this post, will experience the same kind of overwhelming love that I have experienced. He's the one who matters, and the very fact that the one who matters loves me for who I am and for all the sins that I have done and will do, and still see the perfection in me when I'm like a broken bowl fallen to pieces, means that I, the broken fragments of a bowl is pieced together again and made new because of His sacrifice.
You wonder.. so what has this got to do with dentistry right? I can tell you, without His strength, I wouldn't have made it through the first year, without His grace, I wouldn't even have made it to dental school, without His providence, I wouldn't have the luxury to be studying here without any financial struggles, without God, I am nothing.
Perhaps this is growing up, it's about finally understanding the blessings you have and being grateful for them. It is knowing that you have so much more purpose in Life than what the world wants you to believe. Perhaps this is finding myself in God and not being drawn away by the mundane matters of the world, the numbers on the scale, the next new fashion trend, the next new makeup style, the hottest gossip, the snidest remarks, the wildest parties or the social scene. Perhaps this is what it feels like to know your calling, to pursue your calling, to want excellence in what you do because you know it is by grace that you're doing it. I'm doing what I love, because He loves me, and because He loves me, I love what I'm doing. That's my full circle moment during the exams. I hope you find yours too.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Reality
Right. I haven't typed/written in ages. I haven't been BUSY, not drive me crazy kind of busy, but busy enough to not have time for myself to write. Then again, I think i didn't write cause I don't know where to begin, what to write, because life seems to have overwhelmed me. It does sound silly, doesn't it? How a 26 year old can be overwhelmed by life, it is then that I realized, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate things in my life, to prioritize, to see exactly what is important, the people who you should care about and what you should spend your time on.
The past three months saw a birth and death, it brought the reminder of the purpose on earth and the reminder of immense grace, it brought me to tears, both joy and sorrow, it saw me filled, to be emptied again, it saw me relying on the only truth I believe in, because it was only in that truth did I know I exist.
The birth of Jerome (my 2nd nephew) brought me so much joy, the thought that I would return home in June to another squirming bundle of joy just brings the smile to my face. At the same time, I said goodbye to a mentor, a friend, a role model, an honourable man whose candle burned out before it should. The shock that gripped me, that someone I said goodbye to that evening would pass on that very night. The seemingly healthy and bubbly grandfatherly like man had just gone.
They say, "God only takes the good ones" and it made me think, perhaps death is not something to be afraid of. Life on earth is where suffering lies and our life with God is what, as Christians, should bring us joy. Passing of someone so respected saddened me, but it also reminded me of how forgetful I am of God's grace, of Christ's death on the cross that redeemed me, He died and rose again, He conquered death, so that we won't have to fear death.
I don't expect anyone to agree with me, losing someone is no doubt a painful experience, but I think what "death" forgets, is that every time it robs us of someone precious, we don't lose part of ourselves, but we grow stronger because of the legacy the person has left us, because of the memories that will live within us. In fact, death doesn't take someone away, it gives that person eternity in our memories. Does "death" not realize that it's losing its grip, that we get more and more resilient with each person it takes away? Does death not realize that it has been conquered?
I know at the end of the day, when my time on earth has passed, I will be with God because He sent His son to die, so I can live.
I guess that's why I haven't really wrote, because I know it won't be of anything jolly or fun, nothing humorous or exciting, just simply reality.
Reality is that I do take life for granted each day, I take the very essence of breathing for granted. I take grace for granted because I don't seek to live the great commission. I take my loved ones for granted because I know... I still have time. But these recent events have just made me think.. Do I really? Sometimes I wish Dentistry would be over soon, so I can start living and stop worrying about "uni". But would I really start living, or be sucked into the hum drum of working life and the pursuit for that white picket fence? It pains me to think that everyday I'm living now, is a life that seems selfish, hollow and shallow.. A life so that I may have a better future, then.. am I truly living now?
I want to live a life that not just about "me", but I can't afford the energy, the effort and the love to. I want to be connected to my friends, but I run through my list and realize that there aren't many that I'm living LIFE with. I realize how empty my friendships run, running on memories, past experiences, cards, letters, "hi's", "byes' and meet ups, but none I live my life with. I realize my family is all over the globe, my first cousins I barely meet, my family I see once every year, I realize how much time I've spent away from people that matter and it saddens me.
This truly is not me being emotional, but coming to realize that reality is actually much closer than I think. And reality should empower me to strive, but it too, scares me.
The past three months saw a birth and death, it brought the reminder of the purpose on earth and the reminder of immense grace, it brought me to tears, both joy and sorrow, it saw me filled, to be emptied again, it saw me relying on the only truth I believe in, because it was only in that truth did I know I exist.
The birth of Jerome (my 2nd nephew) brought me so much joy, the thought that I would return home in June to another squirming bundle of joy just brings the smile to my face. At the same time, I said goodbye to a mentor, a friend, a role model, an honourable man whose candle burned out before it should. The shock that gripped me, that someone I said goodbye to that evening would pass on that very night. The seemingly healthy and bubbly grandfatherly like man had just gone.
They say, "God only takes the good ones" and it made me think, perhaps death is not something to be afraid of. Life on earth is where suffering lies and our life with God is what, as Christians, should bring us joy. Passing of someone so respected saddened me, but it also reminded me of how forgetful I am of God's grace, of Christ's death on the cross that redeemed me, He died and rose again, He conquered death, so that we won't have to fear death.
I don't expect anyone to agree with me, losing someone is no doubt a painful experience, but I think what "death" forgets, is that every time it robs us of someone precious, we don't lose part of ourselves, but we grow stronger because of the legacy the person has left us, because of the memories that will live within us. In fact, death doesn't take someone away, it gives that person eternity in our memories. Does "death" not realize that it's losing its grip, that we get more and more resilient with each person it takes away? Does death not realize that it has been conquered?
I know at the end of the day, when my time on earth has passed, I will be with God because He sent His son to die, so I can live.
I guess that's why I haven't really wrote, because I know it won't be of anything jolly or fun, nothing humorous or exciting, just simply reality.
Reality is that I do take life for granted each day, I take the very essence of breathing for granted. I take grace for granted because I don't seek to live the great commission. I take my loved ones for granted because I know... I still have time. But these recent events have just made me think.. Do I really? Sometimes I wish Dentistry would be over soon, so I can start living and stop worrying about "uni". But would I really start living, or be sucked into the hum drum of working life and the pursuit for that white picket fence? It pains me to think that everyday I'm living now, is a life that seems selfish, hollow and shallow.. A life so that I may have a better future, then.. am I truly living now?
I want to live a life that not just about "me", but I can't afford the energy, the effort and the love to. I want to be connected to my friends, but I run through my list and realize that there aren't many that I'm living LIFE with. I realize how empty my friendships run, running on memories, past experiences, cards, letters, "hi's", "byes' and meet ups, but none I live my life with. I realize my family is all over the globe, my first cousins I barely meet, my family I see once every year, I realize how much time I've spent away from people that matter and it saddens me.
This truly is not me being emotional, but coming to realize that reality is actually much closer than I think. And reality should empower me to strive, but it too, scares me.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Rest
I haven't written anything since the start of 2013. I'm alive people!
Perhaps you can say I've been too busy, with uni, with lab work and life in general. I know I'm doing what I love and I know why I'm doing it, but sometimes I can't help but be challenged to ask myself, is what I'm busy with truly what God wants me to be busy with? You may think it's bizarre, how can a calling be something that isn't from God.
Let's put it this way, the calling for dentistry is from God, but what I do to get through it, how I choose to use my time and handle situations may not be.. Simply cause I'm human and I'm not perfect.
Which is why during this one week mid semester break, I decide to not do anything dent related unless I had to. I wanted to restore my heart and my brain and start of on the right foot with Godly intentions for my patients and for myself.. Perhaps it's a long overdue post on what's happening in my life, trust me, it will come, when... I find the time. But for now, I believe I want to rest in God and be restored.
Perhaps you can say I've been too busy, with uni, with lab work and life in general. I know I'm doing what I love and I know why I'm doing it, but sometimes I can't help but be challenged to ask myself, is what I'm busy with truly what God wants me to be busy with? You may think it's bizarre, how can a calling be something that isn't from God.
Let's put it this way, the calling for dentistry is from God, but what I do to get through it, how I choose to use my time and handle situations may not be.. Simply cause I'm human and I'm not perfect.
Which is why during this one week mid semester break, I decide to not do anything dent related unless I had to. I wanted to restore my heart and my brain and start of on the right foot with Godly intentions for my patients and for myself.. Perhaps it's a long overdue post on what's happening in my life, trust me, it will come, when... I find the time. But for now, I believe I want to rest in God and be restored.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
From dentistry, with love
I have never, NEVER been so tired and stressed out in my life. Really.
Not O's, not A's, not even uni days.
The last week of October to the end of November is just all about assessment after assessment, exam after exam. I'm not kidding, just the sheer content and volume of things that we have to know is just insane. What's worse is that every freaking exam is a barrier, ie: you can't afford to fail. It just all adds up.
To be really honest, I've never put in so much effort into a semester as I did this one. I was keeping up with lectures and notes and it still isn't enough. I don't know. I'm just really really tired.
I love this, I won't trade this for the world, but I really am knackered. To my bones, no wait, not even that, to my marrow. Countdowns for an exam have never been THAT long, that tedious.
I don't know many who would understand what I'm going through, and I don't wish this upon anyone either. It's almost so hard to comprehend for non-dentally related people to why a profession about teeth would require that much effort, THAT much studying.
This is not just a matter about dexterity, practical abilities and patient management. It's is ALL of that and complex hospital politics and insane amounts of theory that you have to read up, on your own. If you haven't been taught and it's examined, TOO BAD FOR YOU, cause this is dentistry and they don't have all the time to teach you, you should have read up on your own.
This is a course that requires you to pull in about 36 to 40 contact hours, 30 hours in good weeks, out of which, 4 to 6 hours are spent in lectures. ONLY THAT.. and the rest, in clinic, in lab and in the library planning for your next patient. I don't know why/how they expect us to do our own "STUDY" outside of school.. I can try to cover lecture materials, but I barely have enough time left to breathe and to do that extra reading up. seriously.
I know guys.. "It's just teeth right?" just think for one second, at the end of 5 years, I have to independently provide treatment for you, in your mouth, for a whole range of problems. We have to be trained to be GOOD ENOUGH for that. Doctors have their internships and residency to make their mistakes and learn, but we.. We're on our own. and you don't want us to stuff up.
I really am awfully tired. Best end of the year present, from dentistry.. with love.
Not O's, not A's, not even uni days.
The last week of October to the end of November is just all about assessment after assessment, exam after exam. I'm not kidding, just the sheer content and volume of things that we have to know is just insane. What's worse is that every freaking exam is a barrier, ie: you can't afford to fail. It just all adds up.
To be really honest, I've never put in so much effort into a semester as I did this one. I was keeping up with lectures and notes and it still isn't enough. I don't know. I'm just really really tired.
I love this, I won't trade this for the world, but I really am knackered. To my bones, no wait, not even that, to my marrow. Countdowns for an exam have never been THAT long, that tedious.
I don't know many who would understand what I'm going through, and I don't wish this upon anyone either. It's almost so hard to comprehend for non-dentally related people to why a profession about teeth would require that much effort, THAT much studying.
This is not just a matter about dexterity, practical abilities and patient management. It's is ALL of that and complex hospital politics and insane amounts of theory that you have to read up, on your own. If you haven't been taught and it's examined, TOO BAD FOR YOU, cause this is dentistry and they don't have all the time to teach you, you should have read up on your own.
This is a course that requires you to pull in about 36 to 40 contact hours, 30 hours in good weeks, out of which, 4 to 6 hours are spent in lectures. ONLY THAT.. and the rest, in clinic, in lab and in the library planning for your next patient. I don't know why/how they expect us to do our own "STUDY" outside of school.. I can try to cover lecture materials, but I barely have enough time left to breathe and to do that extra reading up. seriously.
I know guys.. "It's just teeth right?" just think for one second, at the end of 5 years, I have to independently provide treatment for you, in your mouth, for a whole range of problems. We have to be trained to be GOOD ENOUGH for that. Doctors have their internships and residency to make their mistakes and learn, but we.. We're on our own. and you don't want us to stuff up.
I really am awfully tired. Best end of the year present, from dentistry.. with love.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Extras from dental school
They weren't kidding when they said that these were the extras that came with dental school:
1. Temporal mandibular joint pain
2. Stress induced grinding and gingivitis
3. Sleep deprivation
4. Caffeine addiction
5. Analgesic reliance
I like exams, but not THIS MUCH! Can't wait for the hols!
1. Temporal mandibular joint pain
2. Stress induced grinding and gingivitis
3. Sleep deprivation
4. Caffeine addiction
5. Analgesic reliance
I like exams, but not THIS MUCH! Can't wait for the hols!
E . X . A . M . S
I'm exhausted from studying. I love everything I'm studying and doing, but it's getting soooo draining. =( 10 units isn't normal! Having twice (or more) exams than the normal is NOT FUN! Having it stretch over such a long period isn't either! What's worse... exams cover the year's WORK!
This is worse than my A levels repeated twice! I don't think I even studied this hard for something so major!
This is worse than my A levels repeated twice! I don't think I even studied this hard for something so major!
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Definitions
"The thing I find very weird about you is who you choose to go out with. I don't understand why, of all people, are you going out with him" - Miss X
Miss X, who shall not be named, asked me this one day. Perhaps it's not only her but a few others who question my relationship with Sherwin, who question my choice. Miss X qualified her statement by saying "He doesn't even own a car and he's not like rich or anything and doesn't earn a lot of money. You can go out with someone better".
I wonder how many people actually think that way.
I am saddened, just saddened by the thought that some people put a price to a relationship. I know to some extent, my mother feels the same way, and we just simply give the excuse of them being Asian, being protective. But I know, this pursuit for wealth and for marrying well isn't just as simple as, being Asian.
It's the lack of understanding of God, of God's love and sacrifice. It's that void, the God like void in their hearts that has yet to be filled. They crave, always crave for that something better, that someone who is wealthier, smarter and better looking. It's the lack of God in their life, that they fail to understand that we're all made equal and special in God's eyes. It's the lack of understanding that when we put these terms and conditions to a relationship, it's akin to saying that these are the things that we define ourselves by.
It's simple. How we define ourselves, is the same very way we define and qualify others and to deem whether they are worthy or not, whether they are an "investment" worthy of our time. I thank God for the day He saved me and gave me His salvation, I thank God every single day that I was given the understanding beyond this pragmatism, I am thankful everyday that I don't define myself by what I do/study, how much I earn and what I wear.
I don't define myself as a dental student and what not.. things that people put to your name. When people introduce you, "hi, this is so and so and she's a dental student..." it doesn't make me any happier, it just saddens me that that's all I have been defined as in their eyes. Being in a healthcare profession or even allied health, doesn't make us more "professional" nor is our status more prestigious. I am a child of God, I am a servant.. being a dentist doesn't make me smarter or better than someone else. I am just a child of God. Why can't people understand?
I love what I do by the Grace of God, not for money, not for fame, I love it because it has been a calling from God. It is my way of serving His kingdom, my way of bringing Him glory. What purposes He has for me, I don't know yet, BUT I know, His will, I will follow.
I love the man I'm going out with and I know the Lord has blessed my life with him. I love him for the fact that he has the courage and tenacity to pursue what he loves and not just any money making job. I love the fact that we both want excellence in what we do. I love the fact that he adores children like I do and has such a loving heart for animals. I love him because he knows me, understands me and even though he isn't the richest of men, he provides for me and loves me in his own way. I don't need a guy who buys and showers me with gifts. Don't people get it. I am not that kind of girl and it saddens me when friends ask me that, because that's the kind of person they think I am.
I know it isn't the easiest relationship to be in, nor the most convenient, simply cause of some parental objections, but I know it's cause they've yet to meet Sherwin, they've yet to understand and see the bond and love we share. I have grown to care and to love this wonderful man in my life. I do deserve better, I know that, and that's why I'm thankful that God has given me His best. I'm not going to define and qualify my relationship based on the terms of the world.. My T&Cs have been fulfilled and upheld in His name!
Miss X, who shall not be named, asked me this one day. Perhaps it's not only her but a few others who question my relationship with Sherwin, who question my choice. Miss X qualified her statement by saying "He doesn't even own a car and he's not like rich or anything and doesn't earn a lot of money. You can go out with someone better".
I wonder how many people actually think that way.
I am saddened, just saddened by the thought that some people put a price to a relationship. I know to some extent, my mother feels the same way, and we just simply give the excuse of them being Asian, being protective. But I know, this pursuit for wealth and for marrying well isn't just as simple as, being Asian.
It's the lack of understanding of God, of God's love and sacrifice. It's that void, the God like void in their hearts that has yet to be filled. They crave, always crave for that something better, that someone who is wealthier, smarter and better looking. It's the lack of God in their life, that they fail to understand that we're all made equal and special in God's eyes. It's the lack of understanding that when we put these terms and conditions to a relationship, it's akin to saying that these are the things that we define ourselves by.
It's simple. How we define ourselves, is the same very way we define and qualify others and to deem whether they are worthy or not, whether they are an "investment" worthy of our time. I thank God for the day He saved me and gave me His salvation, I thank God every single day that I was given the understanding beyond this pragmatism, I am thankful everyday that I don't define myself by what I do/study, how much I earn and what I wear.
I don't define myself as a dental student and what not.. things that people put to your name. When people introduce you, "hi, this is so and so and she's a dental student..." it doesn't make me any happier, it just saddens me that that's all I have been defined as in their eyes. Being in a healthcare profession or even allied health, doesn't make us more "professional" nor is our status more prestigious. I am a child of God, I am a servant.. being a dentist doesn't make me smarter or better than someone else. I am just a child of God. Why can't people understand?
I love what I do by the Grace of God, not for money, not for fame, I love it because it has been a calling from God. It is my way of serving His kingdom, my way of bringing Him glory. What purposes He has for me, I don't know yet, BUT I know, His will, I will follow.
I love the man I'm going out with and I know the Lord has blessed my life with him. I love him for the fact that he has the courage and tenacity to pursue what he loves and not just any money making job. I love the fact that we both want excellence in what we do. I love the fact that he adores children like I do and has such a loving heart for animals. I love him because he knows me, understands me and even though he isn't the richest of men, he provides for me and loves me in his own way. I don't need a guy who buys and showers me with gifts. Don't people get it. I am not that kind of girl and it saddens me when friends ask me that, because that's the kind of person they think I am.
I know it isn't the easiest relationship to be in, nor the most convenient, simply cause of some parental objections, but I know it's cause they've yet to meet Sherwin, they've yet to understand and see the bond and love we share. I have grown to care and to love this wonderful man in my life. I do deserve better, I know that, and that's why I'm thankful that God has given me His best. I'm not going to define and qualify my relationship based on the terms of the world.. My T&Cs have been fulfilled and upheld in His name!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)