One and a half years later..

Where do I begin? From the first day I realised I wanted to be a dentist or the first day I knew I got into it. One and a half years in and everyday, I wake up to a miracle. Everyday, I'm thankful and blessed that I'm in dental school. I reckon that was why God put me through NUS, He put me through three years of want and honestly, my last year in NUS was just filled with desperation.

That's probably what they mean when they say "it's through the valleys that you grow" and it was in my toughest moments that I heard God, when I was in sheer desperation that I was scourging to hear just a whisper or anything remotely close to an answer and when I did, He gave me a message so clear, a voice so loud and a desire so tangible, He turned my dreams into reality, into fierce passion.

It pains my heart when I see my classmates drop out from dental school, even if it's only a short term that I've gotten to know them, the sheer fact that we were going through dental school together bonds us. It's not a joke when people say that dentistry is probably the toughest and most demanding course in uni. It is. After one and a half years, I can say it is and it will only get tougher.

Some days are hard, you get beaten down and feel disappointed. You get demoralized and wonder just whether or not you'll get through. I know for awhile I lost that desire, for a moment, I took my eyes off. I took my eyes off Jesus, I looked at MY achievements and what I could do. I focused on MY grades and MY abilities. I know this semester has started off on the right foot. I know I can't rely on my strengths, for I have none, I can't rely on my abilities, for I am weak. But with God, I have possibilities, I have strength, for HE empowers me.

I cannot express just how Thankful I am, how blessed I feel. I may not be the smartest dental student, but I'm striving for dedicated excellence to serve God and His people.

Dentistry aside, I am content. Sherwin has been such a pillar of support, encouragement and love. It's a heartwarming feeling to know that there's someone who understands me, my passions and knows exactly what to say when I'm feeling demoralized and down. Not to mention, he warms not just my heart but my gut too! =) I see God working in his life and grace just pouring so abundantly that I'm blessed by it too. Tho I don't really know how this will pen out in the future, I know God's will will be sovereign in this. What will happen in a couple of years when he needs to leave to pursue his dreams? I honestly don't know and perhaps it's too soon to tell.. but the only thing I can be certain of is that I'd be more than glad that he'll be able to pursue his passions, with or without me. Because after all my experiences in life, all I can say is that there is no greater joy and satisfaction than doing what you've been called to do. I can testify to that, one and a half years in..

Be a better you

Cosmopolitan (and I'm not referring to the drink) may not really be the best place to look for relationship advise, or ANY advise to begin with, but I was flipping through the mag and here's what a title of an article wrote "Act like a queen, attract a king". At first glance, I thought it was just another flimsy "feel good" article, but upon reading it, I realized it put my thoughts on relationships into words.

For those who have known me for quite awhile, you would probably be familiar with my disdain (might be too strong a word, but for the purposes of putting my point across) for girls or guys that act like brats or those that have extreme/obsessive lifestyle habits like drunkenness, smoking, promiscuity and.. you get my drift. But yet we have many girls of this generation who carry these characteristics and yet complain that they can't find a good guy, and similarly, guys who say they can't find a good woman. 

Well.. Here's what I think and what the article says in a nut shell, "like attracts like". The article encourages girls to be and possess qualities that they would like to see in a man. If you want someone who is refined and mature, you have to be the same too. 

That's what I think our society fails to teach, we're taught at a young age to want the best, to seek the best and always know that there will be better, but we're seldom taught to look at ourselves and ask ourselves, are we the best we can offer, are we also that "someone better"? 

What I expect from my partner is no more than what I can bring into the relationship. I don't ask for more, I just ask for him to be like me. I expect that same dedication and commitment, the same level of concern and thoughtfulness, the same level of maturity and the same amount of love. The only thing that I expect of him, is to know what HE wants and to lead in the relationship.

I hope more girls and guys alike will come to this realization that they cannot expect the best or better, when they're not up to scratch themselves. The betterment of oneself comes with practice, it comes with hard work, having an excuse of "he'll love me for me" even though you know your bad habits are undesirable is just deluding yourself. 

I am seeking to be a better me, to be that woman of Proverbs 31, a woman of Christ.

Self realisations

Don't you get some moments when you go.. "I didn't know that about myself".. I've had a few of them just recently and here's sharing them with you.

1. I didn't know I can have 8 shots of coffee in the span of 2 hours without getting overtly hyper (I had almost 12 in the whole day)
2. I didn't know I could have that much discipline in dragging myself to the gym despite my body begging me not to.
3. I have a way of blocking people out of my life and really, when I do, I DO.
4. I didn't know my heart could be filled with so much joy just restoring a tooth with amalgam. =)
5. I didn't know my mind, body and soul could have such an experience all at once, enjoying the peace that I know I'm in the right course for the right reasons and for the undying passion.
6. I didn't know a heartache could reach to such depths of my heart. I thought I had faced grand's passing, but I don't think I truly have.
7. I never realised I had such tenacity until now.

ASS - U - ME

ASSUME -  Makes the ASS out of U and ME.

I have learnt my lesson. Not to assume, cause it has made an ass out of me.. Assuming someone's maturity, ability to handle situations and understanding of situations. When chronological age does not seem to mesh with mental age, yet people think that they are more mature than they really are.. That's where the problem arises. Or maybe.. when there's nothing else more important going on in their lives, something so small and insignificant becomes a huge issue.

I know I'm in a different phase in life, the winter break was a wake up call to me, it was a harsh break of reality and it was for me to acknowledge and shift my priorities. What was important to me, like college affairs and acquaintances, no longer holds its weight in my life.

My heart desires for the kingdom of the Lord, it desires for my passions to be fulfilled, it desires for me to have tighter relationships with my family, nuclear and extended, and my heart desires to build on relationships for God's purposes and with someone for the long haul.

Yes. I have learnt and grown and will not assume.

I've had enough

I light of recent events, I have come to a point and stage in life where I've had enough. Let's just say, college life will and can get to you. When you're 24 living amongst a bunch of kids whose average age is between 18-19, life can be quite miserable. IF they're more mature and more well thought out, I guess it won't be that bad, but what we have here is astounding.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying ALL the girls in college, there are that few whom I give all due respect and credit to. But yes.. I wish people would grow up, taking a small matter or rather, comment and making it sound like a big huge issue is literally, making a mountain out of a molehill. Yes, I agree that it may have been a comment made by someone that was uncalled for. However, if you have chosen to make that particular event open to the public on a social medium, then expect adverse comments and when you do have them, accept them graciously.

That's how harsh reality is. Not everyone is going to love and be in awe of everything you plan, despite the effort that you've put into it. If you expect recognition for everything you do, then all I can say is that you've gotta wake up to reality or bluntly put.. "suck it up princess".

I am honestly quite disappointed at how things were put across. I expected more from people, but then again, it's my fault on my part, thinking that people had the maturity around here. Foolish was I to think that way. After grand's passing, I just realised how stupid and foolish it was to be so caught up with the whole college affair. Like what we've been doing in church, I wanna work towards a future that is eternal, I want to store up heavenly treasures and not things that don't last, much less acquaintances that don't matter, or won't last past college. We all have a fixed amount of time on earth, and the last thing I want to do, is spend it on people who don't matter, and on things that deserve no attention.

Honestly, if there's any gossip whatsoever, I'm really not bothered. I've always maintained my stand.. if you have a problem with me, tell me straight up, if not, forever hold your peace.

I really can't wait to get out of here. enough is enough.

In loving memory

I guess part of me had to write this post as a way of letting it go. To be honest, I'm not a person who is afraid of death, not someone who fears the thought and idea, Death, be not proud. The only thing that grips me is that I know that I would never see the person ever again, especially in God's kingdom. It saddens me that I never had the chance to share His word with her, or rather, I never had the courage to share His word with her or with anyone in my family.

Grandma has always been a woman who inspires me, her struggles in life, the choices she made and the things she had to do to make sure all her kids went though school. If you ask me, that's what a woman of success is.. One who overcomes and faces her challenges head on. Sometimes she does remind me of a Peranakan matriarch, so strong and stern, yet the grandma I know has the kindest heart and the most gentle soul.

She has lived a wonderful 97 years and I'm glad that I got to share and be a part of that 97. I have so many fond memories of her rocking me to sleep and telling me nap time stories, of me teaching her English and of her holding my hands and telling me her life experiences. I love my grandma and I know that will never change, where ever she may be.

I know I will miss her from time to time, but I know she'd want me to move on and achieve my dreams and goals. I will keep these fond memories in my heart knowing full well that I have had the privilege to be brought up by gran. I will tell my kids of their great grandmother and share these little stories with them, I will tell them that she has left her legacy in my life and I hope that strength and courage that she has has been passed on to me, that I'd be a woman of strength, righteousness, love, kindness, elegance and quiet sophistication. That's my grandma.. My wonderful grandma.

In God's time.. All is perfect

Boarding the flight back home over winter wasn't easy. I got on board the plane, excited to come home to my friends and family, but at the same time, heavy hearted that grandma wasn't doing too well. This short time back and even in Perth has just showed me two things.. That God answers prayers and that He is gracious.

Prior to returning home on the 28th, my flight was scheduled for the 1st. I honestly think I would have had a mental break down just thinking of the "what if's" if i didn't come home any earlier. But praying to take grand out of ICU and for her recovery came to pass. She's out of the hospital and rehabilitating at home, what brings a smile to my face is that she's so much more vibrant and lively at home. It reminds me of old times where grand and I would just sit and chat about everything.. Though those moments are rare now, it only serves to make them more precious. I love my grandma, selfishly, I'd want her to be there to see me walk down the aisle, to assess my boyfriend, to give me the love advise every grandparent would want her grandchild to know. But I know, all I want for her right now, is for her to be happy and content. 

Apart from that, coming home has been filled with a lot of "So who's the new guy.." questions. I kind of expected that, given the fact that I honestly haven't said much or told anyone about him, or rather, haven't told anyone in Singapore about him.

To be honest, I have never given a relationship that much thought and that far into the future as this, and I have not ever been so courageous in taking a leap of faith. For those of you who know me and how my family works, I have more or less tried to date someone that my family would generally approve of, just based on first impressions and their scope of expertise. Or rather, i try to take the easy way out, by picking someone like that so that I don't have to work so hard at making things work.. but somehow, it never would work out anyway.

This time, it was me knowing and conscious of the objections that I might have to face initially, and me knowingly walking into this relationship with the knowledge that it is something that I want to work towards to and with someone I'm willing to work for.

I may at times be a silly thinking mess with my head and its thought processes. I am rational and sometimes, TOO rational. I like to be in control, especially of my emotions, I don't like the idea that part of my emotions and how I feel is now partly dependent on someone too. That thought does scare me. Perhaps past hurts still haunt me or perhaps it's the fear of going through a heartache again. I really don't know. But what I do know is that at this point in time, I'm letting someone into my life, into my heart. That I potentially might have found the person I love as much as I love dentistry. It is a moment where I take a step back to fully grasp the magnitude, where I look at how it all began and go.. God is good.

If being in NUS for three years was what He needed to make sure we meet at the right time, then all I can say is that.. Everything in God's will falls in place really well. For fear of sounding cheesy, he is a guy who gives me pre-ventricular heart contractions (my heart skips a beat), he is a guy who warms my heart like no other, a guy whose eyes I love looking into and hands I love to hold. Some might tell me that "it's too early" or "it's too rushed" but this time, all I have to say is that, it happened in our time, at our pace and it's something I won't want to change.

As much as we don't know where our professions might take us in future, I know for once, I'm listening to my heart and having faith that God knows best. I know I want to work things out with him, I want to give this relationship a chance, if I had to take a leap of faith with a guy, it would have to be him. I am happy and content where I am and where we are. It may sound silly, but I'm excited at what life holds for the both of us.


*disclaimer: Mushy content ahead, Jocelyn would not be held responsible should you choose to read on*

To the man who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time, you have captivated me. Not just with your being, but your presence and your nature. I would never complain looking into those brown eyes, simply cause I see your heart and its magnitude I have yet to fully comprehend. I love how we share the same desires for our passions, our hunger for more than excellence from ourselves, our strive for betterment, yet when time calls for it, can fall and form a lovely romantic couple, stopping, staring and snapping (shutter happy =D), as we watch the world go by. Above all these moments that I love, it's you that make them perfect and you, Sherwin, that I love even more. Borrowing from Jane Austen, "You have bewitched me, body and soul, ..." and I will leave you to find the rest of the quote ;) and when you've found it, you'd have completed the very sentence to which my heart speaks.