Be a better you

Cosmopolitan (and I'm not referring to the drink) may not really be the best place to look for relationship advise, or ANY advise to begin with, but I was flipping through the mag and here's what a title of an article wrote "Act like a queen, attract a king". At first glance, I thought it was just another flimsy "feel good" article, but upon reading it, I realized it put my thoughts on relationships into words.

For those who have known me for quite awhile, you would probably be familiar with my disdain (might be too strong a word, but for the purposes of putting my point across) for girls or guys that act like brats or those that have extreme/obsessive lifestyle habits like drunkenness, smoking, promiscuity and.. you get my drift. But yet we have many girls of this generation who carry these characteristics and yet complain that they can't find a good guy, and similarly, guys who say they can't find a good woman. 

Well.. Here's what I think and what the article says in a nut shell, "like attracts like". The article encourages girls to be and possess qualities that they would like to see in a man. If you want someone who is refined and mature, you have to be the same too. 

That's what I think our society fails to teach, we're taught at a young age to want the best, to seek the best and always know that there will be better, but we're seldom taught to look at ourselves and ask ourselves, are we the best we can offer, are we also that "someone better"? 

What I expect from my partner is no more than what I can bring into the relationship. I don't ask for more, I just ask for him to be like me. I expect that same dedication and commitment, the same level of concern and thoughtfulness, the same level of maturity and the same amount of love. The only thing that I expect of him, is to know what HE wants and to lead in the relationship.

I hope more girls and guys alike will come to this realization that they cannot expect the best or better, when they're not up to scratch themselves. The betterment of oneself comes with practice, it comes with hard work, having an excuse of "he'll love me for me" even though you know your bad habits are undesirable is just deluding yourself. 

I am seeking to be a better me, to be that woman of Proverbs 31, a woman of Christ.

Self realisations

Don't you get some moments when you go.. "I didn't know that about myself".. I've had a few of them just recently and here's sharing them with you.

1. I didn't know I can have 8 shots of coffee in the span of 2 hours without getting overtly hyper (I had almost 12 in the whole day)
2. I didn't know I could have that much discipline in dragging myself to the gym despite my body begging me not to.
3. I have a way of blocking people out of my life and really, when I do, I DO.
4. I didn't know my heart could be filled with so much joy just restoring a tooth with amalgam. =)
5. I didn't know my mind, body and soul could have such an experience all at once, enjoying the peace that I know I'm in the right course for the right reasons and for the undying passion.
6. I didn't know a heartache could reach to such depths of my heart. I thought I had faced grand's passing, but I don't think I truly have.
7. I never realised I had such tenacity until now.

ASS - U - ME

ASSUME -  Makes the ASS out of U and ME.

I have learnt my lesson. Not to assume, cause it has made an ass out of me.. Assuming someone's maturity, ability to handle situations and understanding of situations. When chronological age does not seem to mesh with mental age, yet people think that they are more mature than they really are.. That's where the problem arises. Or maybe.. when there's nothing else more important going on in their lives, something so small and insignificant becomes a huge issue.

I know I'm in a different phase in life, the winter break was a wake up call to me, it was a harsh break of reality and it was for me to acknowledge and shift my priorities. What was important to me, like college affairs and acquaintances, no longer holds its weight in my life.

My heart desires for the kingdom of the Lord, it desires for my passions to be fulfilled, it desires for me to have tighter relationships with my family, nuclear and extended, and my heart desires to build on relationships for God's purposes and with someone for the long haul.

Yes. I have learnt and grown and will not assume.

I've had enough

I light of recent events, I have come to a point and stage in life where I've had enough. Let's just say, college life will and can get to you. When you're 24 living amongst a bunch of kids whose average age is between 18-19, life can be quite miserable. IF they're more mature and more well thought out, I guess it won't be that bad, but what we have here is astounding.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying ALL the girls in college, there are that few whom I give all due respect and credit to. But yes.. I wish people would grow up, taking a small matter or rather, comment and making it sound like a big huge issue is literally, making a mountain out of a molehill. Yes, I agree that it may have been a comment made by someone that was uncalled for. However, if you have chosen to make that particular event open to the public on a social medium, then expect adverse comments and when you do have them, accept them graciously.

That's how harsh reality is. Not everyone is going to love and be in awe of everything you plan, despite the effort that you've put into it. If you expect recognition for everything you do, then all I can say is that you've gotta wake up to reality or bluntly put.. "suck it up princess".

I am honestly quite disappointed at how things were put across. I expected more from people, but then again, it's my fault on my part, thinking that people had the maturity around here. Foolish was I to think that way. After grand's passing, I just realised how stupid and foolish it was to be so caught up with the whole college affair. Like what we've been doing in church, I wanna work towards a future that is eternal, I want to store up heavenly treasures and not things that don't last, much less acquaintances that don't matter, or won't last past college. We all have a fixed amount of time on earth, and the last thing I want to do, is spend it on people who don't matter, and on things that deserve no attention.

Honestly, if there's any gossip whatsoever, I'm really not bothered. I've always maintained my stand.. if you have a problem with me, tell me straight up, if not, forever hold your peace.

I really can't wait to get out of here. enough is enough.

In loving memory

I guess part of me had to write this post as a way of letting it go. To be honest, I'm not a person who is afraid of death, not someone who fears the thought and idea, Death, be not proud. The only thing that grips me is that I know that I would never see the person ever again, especially in God's kingdom. It saddens me that I never had the chance to share His word with her, or rather, I never had the courage to share His word with her or with anyone in my family.

Grandma has always been a woman who inspires me, her struggles in life, the choices she made and the things she had to do to make sure all her kids went though school. If you ask me, that's what a woman of success is.. One who overcomes and faces her challenges head on. Sometimes she does remind me of a Peranakan matriarch, so strong and stern, yet the grandma I know has the kindest heart and the most gentle soul.

She has lived a wonderful 97 years and I'm glad that I got to share and be a part of that 97. I have so many fond memories of her rocking me to sleep and telling me nap time stories, of me teaching her English and of her holding my hands and telling me her life experiences. I love my grandma and I know that will never change, where ever she may be.

I know I will miss her from time to time, but I know she'd want me to move on and achieve my dreams and goals. I will keep these fond memories in my heart knowing full well that I have had the privilege to be brought up by gran. I will tell my kids of their great grandmother and share these little stories with them, I will tell them that she has left her legacy in my life and I hope that strength and courage that she has has been passed on to me, that I'd be a woman of strength, righteousness, love, kindness, elegance and quiet sophistication. That's my grandma.. My wonderful grandma.

In God's time.. All is perfect

Boarding the flight back home over winter wasn't easy. I got on board the plane, excited to come home to my friends and family, but at the same time, heavy hearted that grandma wasn't doing too well. This short time back and even in Perth has just showed me two things.. That God answers prayers and that He is gracious.

Prior to returning home on the 28th, my flight was scheduled for the 1st. I honestly think I would have had a mental break down just thinking of the "what if's" if i didn't come home any earlier. But praying to take grand out of ICU and for her recovery came to pass. She's out of the hospital and rehabilitating at home, what brings a smile to my face is that she's so much more vibrant and lively at home. It reminds me of old times where grand and I would just sit and chat about everything.. Though those moments are rare now, it only serves to make them more precious. I love my grandma, selfishly, I'd want her to be there to see me walk down the aisle, to assess my boyfriend, to give me the love advise every grandparent would want her grandchild to know. But I know, all I want for her right now, is for her to be happy and content. 

Apart from that, coming home has been filled with a lot of "So who's the new guy.." questions. I kind of expected that, given the fact that I honestly haven't said much or told anyone about him, or rather, haven't told anyone in Singapore about him.

To be honest, I have never given a relationship that much thought and that far into the future as this, and I have not ever been so courageous in taking a leap of faith. For those of you who know me and how my family works, I have more or less tried to date someone that my family would generally approve of, just based on first impressions and their scope of expertise. Or rather, i try to take the easy way out, by picking someone like that so that I don't have to work so hard at making things work.. but somehow, it never would work out anyway.

This time, it was me knowing and conscious of the objections that I might have to face initially, and me knowingly walking into this relationship with the knowledge that it is something that I want to work towards to and with someone I'm willing to work for.

I may at times be a silly thinking mess with my head and its thought processes. I am rational and sometimes, TOO rational. I like to be in control, especially of my emotions, I don't like the idea that part of my emotions and how I feel is now partly dependent on someone too. That thought does scare me. Perhaps past hurts still haunt me or perhaps it's the fear of going through a heartache again. I really don't know. But what I do know is that at this point in time, I'm letting someone into my life, into my heart. That I potentially might have found the person I love as much as I love dentistry. It is a moment where I take a step back to fully grasp the magnitude, where I look at how it all began and go.. God is good.

If being in NUS for three years was what He needed to make sure we meet at the right time, then all I can say is that.. Everything in God's will falls in place really well. For fear of sounding cheesy, he is a guy who gives me pre-ventricular heart contractions (my heart skips a beat), he is a guy who warms my heart like no other, a guy whose eyes I love looking into and hands I love to hold. Some might tell me that "it's too early" or "it's too rushed" but this time, all I have to say is that, it happened in our time, at our pace and it's something I won't want to change.

As much as we don't know where our professions might take us in future, I know for once, I'm listening to my heart and having faith that God knows best. I know I want to work things out with him, I want to give this relationship a chance, if I had to take a leap of faith with a guy, it would have to be him. I am happy and content where I am and where we are. It may sound silly, but I'm excited at what life holds for the both of us.


*disclaimer: Mushy content ahead, Jocelyn would not be held responsible should you choose to read on*

To the man who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time, you have captivated me. Not just with your being, but your presence and your nature. I would never complain looking into those brown eyes, simply cause I see your heart and its magnitude I have yet to fully comprehend. I love how we share the same desires for our passions, our hunger for more than excellence from ourselves, our strive for betterment, yet when time calls for it, can fall and form a lovely romantic couple, stopping, staring and snapping (shutter happy =D), as we watch the world go by. Above all these moments that I love, it's you that make them perfect and you, Sherwin, that I love even more. Borrowing from Jane Austen, "You have bewitched me, body and soul, ..." and I will leave you to find the rest of the quote ;) and when you've found it, you'd have completed the very sentence to which my heart speaks. 

Love actually.... Happens

It's one of those nights where I'm in bed going.. When can I actually get to sleep. So instead of counting sheep, I decide I should do what I do best on sleepless nights. Blog. If you're a friend of mine and read my blog to keep abreast of what's going on in my life, I apologise for the lack of personal updates.

Life here has been fruitfully stressful. It's the exam period and I'm in my usual cranky, caffeine driven mode. I do love exams, it's just the period of studying leading up to it can be quite taxing and draining, but I'm fortunate that every single day, I'm reading something that I love! Apart from that, I reckon I'm fortunate that  I wake up everyday to God's grace and blessings, and just recently, He blessed me with someone my heart has grown fond of.

I know many of my girlfriends will go.. "Boy Drama" again. It is in some way pretty amusing how I have many more episodes here in Perth than in Singapore. That said, I have to say, this one is pretty spectacular without much drama and I'd say, a breath of fresh air.

I believe we've watched many chick flicks through life and somehow, for me, I have been desensitized and skeptical about love, about "falling in love". I give a snide chuckle when I watch chick flicks and go.. "right.. I'm sure this happens all the time". Up until now, I never knew it could... I never knew Love actually happens..

It was one normal tiring day at uni and I was just going about my thing, sticking to my routine and hitting the gym for bodycombat after uni. As usual, I rock up late (my hospital is quite a distance from the gym, fyi!) and there was this dude, at the side of the class room with a clipboard taking (what i think) was notes. I didn't really think much or saw much of him really, my focus was just to start the class and get my workout done. Mid way through the class, I grab a drink and saw really just how bored he looked, perhaps he wasn't, but that's what I would have felt if I were in his shoes, just observing and not punching away with us. I make a comment "Aren't you bored?", he looked up, sort of puzzled by that random comment and went "no no, I'm taking notes."

Of course now retrospectively, there's his part of the story to tell.. Which was him walking past the gym while I was in a Spin class the next day, and he looked into the class and saw me. Apparently, according to him, I gave him a smile, (but if you've seen me enough in Spin classes, I smile at random times cause I'm sadomasochistic and I love the lactic burn in my legs), but he walked on and thought to himself that it's too much of a coincidence and if he were to see me again, he'd chat up, cause he won't know if he'd see me again. (of course, at that point, he didn't know that I go to the gym four to five days a week).

Next time I saw him again, was at my regular gym class, bodycombat of course.. For some reason, he ran the class and we did sort of a short circuit training kind of thing and we managed to chat, not so much during, but after. Had sort of a generic chat with him after class about other courses in the gym that could push me more than combat and I think.. that was it.. I was on a bike doing more cardio after the class that day and he came up to me and we started to chat.

I know.. Most random place to meet someone, what more me in my WORSE state ever! All sticky and flushed from my workout, huffing and puffing from my cardio.. Mascara sort of smudged. Great way to make a impression..

I still remember him talking about what he does and randomly going, "do you like coffee?" and of course, with my genuine love for the drink, I said "of course".. and I think you should know what happened there after.. No.. coffee did not happen that weekend but a weekend later. What we did do, was study together, go for a fitness class together (which completely killed me), had pre-coffee date coffee, then went for our little coffee date.

Does this sound like a story line for a cheesy romantic comedy? I reckon so.

But honestly, where I am right now, I am content. Would I be happy being single? Yes i would and I have no qualms with celebrating singlehood, but he was a pleasant surprise. I remember Brendon telling me that if a guy really likes you, he'd want to be the best for you.. and with him, I see that. He makes me smile, truly from the heart. I know there was a period of time leading up to this where I wasn't sure and I'd have ran if not for how sure he seemed and his persistence.

I obviously have my fears and insecurities about this relationship which I have told him about, but I'm thankful that he knows them and have shown me how much he's willing to overcome them with me. I can't believe just how different we've been brought up, yet so so similar at the same time. I believe we both have a passion for what we want to do, he loves cooking probably as much as i love teeth, only difference is, his doesn't sound too wacko, but mine does. =)

He takes care of me, gives me his coat when I'm cold, writes me little notes, delivers food to me when I'm ill and sits with me till I'm no longer pale. He whips up a meal and warms my heart and writes me his heart on a card..

There's just so much more I'd like to share and only that much I can type.. but in all, I guess I'm content and happy in the thought that Love Actually Happens.