My Day

My Day, My valentines day.

It's really odd this year. I am so NOT excited about my birthday. Serious. I have no mood and zero joy. I am grateful that I am a year wiser, smarter and more mature. I am thankful that I have friends and family to share this special day with. but I just can't help feeling like this.

It coinciding with Valentines day doesn't help ONE BIT. Why? Cause..

If valentines day is about love, then not being able to do what I really love is a great kill joy.

If valentines day is about the celebration of love between a couple, then, sadly, it's been 22 years of celebrating it alone, even when I had someone in the past.

If birthdays are meant to be a celebration of one's life, I think I have failed miserably.

What on earth have I done for my life to be celebrated? or rather, for my year to be celebrated? What have I accomplished? Whose life have I touched? Who have I reached out to? Why should I celebrate? I feel so small, so incompetent, so undeserving of a celebration.

It's double the sadness, double the regret this year.

If birthday wishes do really come true.. It's been eight years. I'm making just this one wish this year to be able to do something I really love. If I can trade all my birthday wishes just for this one to come true, I will. Because then.. I know each year, I will have something to look forward to. At least each year.. I'm working towards my goal and my greatest love.

CNY

Chinese New Year

Again, like December, I have a love-hate relationship with.

Well.. I love meeting people I haven't met in like the last year, I love the FOOD, the yu-sheng, the cooking at home, making of poh-piah and not to mention the red packets..

BUT what makes it most annoying, are the questions. I'm fine with people asking me what I'm doing, or what I'm going to do after university, but questions like the "do you have a boyfriend?", "where's your boyfriend?" and when my answer is "no". I get a whole series of questions.. "why don't have?", "why don't want?","your expectations too high is it?", "university should have a lot of boys, why can't find?" and well.. You get my point. I may not have had these questions for long, but seriously, five years is more than enough.

It's just so hard to explain, or rather, is there an explanation in the first place? Like SERIOUSLY? Is it my fault that I haven't found the right person? Or i just don't seem to be able to find people whom I have chemistry/connection (or which ever word you wanna use) with? come on.. I believe we have all been through this right!

Anyway.. that aside, I had a relatively fun time, hanging out with my relatives and friends. and in a very interesting way, it's a new year that i'm gonna remember.. quite vividly. ;)

If Only..

Someone once asked me, "Is it aspiration or admiration that you have that makes you so determined?". I was actually quite stumped because I could not draw a line between the two. Can someone aspire to do something but have no admiration for the job?

My aspiration is built upon the admiration I have for it, admiration that has accumulated over the years, eight, to be exact. I have just one last chance for this, fact is, this is the only thing I can ever imagine myself loving to do. I have a million and one backups, but only one true calling and one true passion. I fear the worst but I hope for the best.

If only they can see the love I have for it,
The passion, the joy, the gratification.
If only they can measure and put a number to it,
it'll be one that no one can read.

I do not need an hour,
not even a day,
I just need a few minutes,
to show them my way.
To tell them the dreams I have
and the hopes I carry,
all these, not for merry.

If only they can put me on a polygraph,
for my moment of truth.

If only they know that merit is just a rough,

and see the sincerity behind the proof.

I just need one chance.

The Inaugural Speech

There were many who critiqued his inaugural speech, but in my opinion, Obama is one of THE best speaking politicians of modern times. He doesn't need to rouse the crowd with loud shouts and screams, he is composed, calm and almost sophisticated with his address. He brings his message across so clearly, so seriously, without any frills nor pretty icing, his address was straight to the point. It tugged at my heartstrings and stuck a chord with my beliefs. I'm looking forward to his term as president.

Here are a few parts of the speech that i really like, taken from New York Times.
(you can follow the link to read the full text. It's worth reading!)
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/20/us/politics/20text-obama.html


"So it has been. So it must be with this generation of Americans. That we are in the midst of crisis is now well understood. Our nation is at war against a far-reaching network of violence and hatred. Our economy is badly weakened, a consequence of greed and irresponsibility on the part of some but also our collective failure to make hard choices and prepare the nation for a new age.Homes have been lost, jobs shed, businesses shuttered. Our health care is too costly, our schools fail too many, and each day brings further evidence that the ways we use energy strengthen our adversaries and threaten our planet.These are the indicators of crisis, subject to data and statistics. Less measurable, but no less profound, is a sapping of confidence across our land; a nagging fear that America's decline is inevitable, that the next generation must lower its sights.Today I say to you that the challenges we face are real, they are serious and they are many. They will not be met easily or in a short span of time. But know this America: They will be met."

(He completely summurised all that needs to be done in America, he tells them ever so bluntly that it's not that a rosy picture after all.)

"On this day, we gather because we have chosen hope over fear, unity of purpose over conflict and discord. On this day, we come to proclaim an end to the petty grievances and false promises, the recriminations and worn-out dogmas that for far too long have strangled our politics."


"In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of shortcuts or settling for less.It has not been the path for the faint-hearted, for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame.Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things -- some celebrated, but more often men and women obscure in their labor -- who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom."


"The nation cannot prosper long when it favors only the prosperous.The success of our economy has always depended not just on the size of our gross domestic product, but on the reach of our prosperity; on the ability to extend opportunity to every willing heart -- not out of charity, but because it is the surest route to our common good."

"Our spirit is stronger and cannot be broken. You cannot outlast us, and we will defeat you."

"For we know that our patchwork heritage is a strength, not a weakness."

"To those who cling to power through corruption and deceit and the silencing of dissent, know that you are on the wrong side of history, but that we will extend a hand if you are willing to unclench your fist."

"Our challenges may be new, the instruments with which we meet them may be new, but those values upon which our success depends, honesty and hard work, courage and fair play, tolerance and curiosity, loyalty and patriotism -- these things are old."

"the father of our nation ordered these words be read to the people:"Let it be told to the future world that in the depth of winter, when nothing but hope and virtue could survive, that the city and the country, alarmed at one common danger, came forth to meet it."'

One Last Chance

.2009.

What does it actually hold?

A bleak economy?
More disasters?

OR

A time for change?
and a time to hope.

I'm placing my bets on the latter.

After all, hope is all that I am hanging on to. I'm given one last chance, one last chance for change. I want it, with every breath I take I yearn for it and with every last ounce of my strength I will fight for it.

It's my last chance, and even if I have to lose my life to fight for this, I will.

What's becoming of kids today!

Life is so so amusing. Was doing some Christmas shopping today and I was so taken aback by how absurdly rude kids can be.. seriously.. I don't mean teenagers.. I mean KIDS. Those brats that i saw were probably not anywhere near 10!

We were in the queue, and might I add, a long one, while those two brats were behind me. I admit.. I did buy quite a number of things and was asking for home delivery (you don't expect me to lug my purchases while i do my shopping, do you?) so it probably took that tad longer than usual. But honestly, Not once have I complained when I'm in a queue. My Logic's this.. DON'T Queue. If you think it's too long, skip it, shop awhile more before heading for the checkout.

Anyway.. Back to it, those two brats were complaining, in their all so broken english, or should I say, Singlish, in that irritating shrieky childish voice (yes.. I'm pissed) "why the queue so long ar?", "how come must wait so long ar?".. or whatever they were trying to express.

The funny thing is.. they were a pair of siblings and the girl.. trying to do that stare and roll eyes thing kept trying to look at me.. and she being at a 10 year old height, looked absolutely ridiculous from where i was standing. She picked the wrong person to stare at. If you wanna roll your eyes, please do it in the person's face and not the abdomen, it's just insanely stupid. So they went on venting until it got on my nerves, I stared down at her, and said.. "Kids should just stop complaining" and did the perfect eye roll. I didn't mean to be mean, but can you blame me?

Anyway.. Point is.. If you have a kid, or in future, will have a kid.. please teach them some manners, along with all the potty training and speech. It's annoying to have a kid complaining, speaking with bad english makes it worse. and seriously.. What's becoming of kids today!

December

December.. I always have mixed feelings about December. It's the last month of the year yet in it holds a very important day that I love to celebrate. Not just for the gifts, shopping and whole festive mood, but for the very reason that, Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Christ. It's a time of renewal and reflection.. and it is this very reflection that I have quite a love hate relationship with.

At the end of the 12 months of the year, you reflect and think about all that you've done and accomplished all year, all the people you've reached out to and the others that you help. You think of all the snide remarks that you have made and the demeaning stares that you give. Yet you think of the number of people whom you have touched and gave a smile to. Where does the scale tip towards to?

Can surviving yet another grueling year of uni be considered an accomplishment? Or maybe having to do and juggle so many things all at once? Are these accomplishments?

When you challenge yourself at something and overcome it, momentarily, you're satisfied and happy, but when you look back at the whole 365 days, that one little moment would seem so insignificant. Can you have fruitful moments but a not so fruitful year?

I wonder how many people feel the way I feel about December.. the Optimism of a new year ahead and the pessimism that one hasn't accomplished much for the past year.

This is a feeling, that is so hard to fathom.