Reality

Right. I haven't typed/written in ages. I haven't been BUSY, not drive me crazy kind of busy, but busy enough to not have time for myself to write. Then again, I think i didn't write cause I don't know where to begin, what to write, because life seems to have overwhelmed me. It does sound silly, doesn't it? How a 26 year old can be overwhelmed by life, it is then that I realized, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate things in my life, to prioritize, to see exactly what is important, the people who you should care about and what you should spend your time on.

The past three months saw a birth and death, it brought the reminder of the purpose on earth and the reminder of immense grace, it brought me to tears, both joy and sorrow, it saw me filled, to be emptied again, it saw me relying on the only truth I believe in, because it was only in that truth did I know I exist.

The birth of Jerome (my 2nd nephew) brought me so much joy, the thought that I would return home in June to another squirming bundle of joy just brings the smile to my face. At the same time, I said goodbye to a mentor, a friend, a role model, an honourable man whose candle burned out before it should. The shock that gripped me, that someone I said goodbye to that evening would pass on that very night. The seemingly healthy and bubbly grandfatherly like man had just gone.

They say, "God only takes the good ones" and it made me think, perhaps death is not something to be afraid of. Life on earth is where suffering lies and our life with God is what, as Christians, should bring us joy. Passing of someone so respected saddened me, but it also reminded me of how forgetful I am of God's grace, of Christ's death on the cross that redeemed me, He died and rose again, He conquered death, so that we won't have to fear death.

I don't expect anyone to agree with me, losing someone is no doubt a painful experience, but I think what "death" forgets, is that every time it robs us of someone precious, we don't lose part of ourselves, but we grow stronger because of the legacy the person has left us, because of the memories that will live within us. In fact, death doesn't take someone away, it gives that person eternity in our memories. Does "death" not realize that it's losing its grip, that we get more and more resilient with each person it takes away? Does death not realize that it has been conquered?

I know at the end of the day, when my time on earth has passed, I will be with God because He sent His son to die, so I can live.

I guess that's why I haven't really wrote, because I know it won't be of anything jolly or fun, nothing humorous or exciting, just simply reality.

Reality is that I do take life for granted each day, I take the very essence of breathing for granted. I take grace for granted because I don't seek to live the great commission. I take my loved ones for granted because I know...  I still have time. But these recent events have just made me think.. Do I really? Sometimes I wish Dentistry would be over soon, so I can start living and stop worrying about "uni". But would I really start living, or be sucked into the hum drum of working life and the pursuit for that white picket fence? It pains me to think that everyday I'm living now, is a life that seems selfish, hollow and shallow.. A life so that I may have a better future, then.. am I truly living now?

I want to live a life that not just about "me", but I can't afford the energy, the effort and the love to. I want to be connected to my friends, but I run through my list and realize that there aren't many that I'm living LIFE with. I realize how empty my friendships run, running on memories, past experiences, cards, letters, "hi's", "byes' and meet ups, but none I live my life with. I realize my family is all over the globe, my first cousins I barely meet, my family I see once every year, I realize how much time I've spent away from people that matter and it saddens me.

This truly is not me being emotional, but coming to realize that reality is actually much closer than I think. And reality should empower me to strive, but it too, scares me. 

Rest

I haven't written anything since the start of 2013. I'm alive people!

Perhaps you can say I've been too busy, with uni, with lab work and life in general. I know I'm doing what I love and I know why I'm doing it, but sometimes I can't help but be challenged to ask myself, is what I'm busy with truly what God wants me to be busy with? You may think it's bizarre, how can a calling be something that isn't from God.

Let's put it this way, the calling for dentistry is from God, but what I do to get through it, how I choose to use my time and handle situations may not be.. Simply cause I'm human and I'm not perfect.

Which is why during this one week mid semester break, I decide to not do anything dent related unless I had to. I wanted to restore my heart and my brain and start of on the right foot with Godly intentions for my patients and for myself.. Perhaps it's a long overdue post on what's happening in my life, trust me, it will come, when... I find the time. But for now, I believe I want to rest in God and be restored.