Just wishing for that something more

I've had a lot on my mind lately, things that have been discussed during Bible study and cell group, about relationships and sex, and prayer and God's word respectively. I've had new insights to God's word, it's like Him using these avenues to speak to me so that I will learn and draw close to Him. I cannot be more blessed and thankful that He has so freely given me His forgiveness and love.. That I am justified before Him, at one with Him.

Well.. I think this post is going to be a "rant".. Cause I have to be honest, being in a relationship isn't easy for me, it takes a lot of getting used to, trying to understand what works for him and what doesn't. Sometimes it's so much easier to be going solo, simply cause you don't have to think from someone else's perspective, but at the same time, it is such a blessing being able to as well. Some might think it'd be easier since this isn't exactly my first relationship, but it's weird that somehow, it feels like it is. There are many things that I need to make sense of and feelings that I have to figure simply cause they just seem so foreign to me.

Sometimes I wish I knew just exactly what to do.. Sometimes I know it's my insecurities that consume me but it's also because of that, that I really have no idea what to do. Can I expect him to do this and that, is it right for me to expect certain things from him? At times I wish he were more sensitive, but at the same time, that's what makes him him, and what I adore as well.. I don't really know if it's just me, but I really hate feeling like I don't matter.. I'm afraid to give someone priority when all I am is an option to him, or a time/space filler. I don't know if he thinks this way, maybe he doesn't, but it sucks feeling this way.

Maybe it's cause we're still new and still figuring what works.. or maybe.. just maybe.. it won't. I don't know. I can't always be the one taking the initiative, it can't and won't work if we're on a different page of this relationship. Perhaps I'm taking it more seriously than I should, or maybe I shouldn't even try, or maybe I should be, or rather, try to be mean and in Cuzzie's words.. a challenge.. But that's just simply not who I am.. I love very freely and willingly, hoping that my special someone will appreciate the fact that I'm not being a challenge on purpose, the fact that I give him my heart uninhibitedly, but at the same time, I still do yearn and crave to feel like I'm being pursued and that I matter.

He is an amazing guy, that I can say without a doubt and I know I love him more today than I did yesterday, I know I've fallen for him, I know God made provisions in my heart for me to love him, but it's exactly for this same reason that I fear, that I'm insecure, simply cause I'm vulnerable. I honestly don't know what to do except to pray.. and to hope that God will teach him in His time.. or perhaps I'm just blindly wishing for something more.

40 Hour Famine

40 Hour famine was AWESOME!

Yes, I gave up food for 40 hours, not really a very long time compared to the many who die of starvation, but it was above all else, a very humbling experience. Trying to raise funds and ask for donations, and just experiencing what it feels like not having what we often take for granted, something that is merely a need for us, but a luxury for so many hungry kids.

I may not be able to do much as a person, yes, I can raise funds, I can help the occasional kid.. But what ever and however small a difference I make, let it glorify God. I really hope people can experience God's unconditional! =) I'm really blessed to have what I have in such abundance and I do Thank God for all the family and friends that have supported me through the 40 hour famine and stood by me through the many moments in my life! Life won't have been the same without them!

Above and beyond expectations

I'm endeavoring to write 10 minute blog posts, judging from how much I love to write and what I have to say, I think it's going to be quite hard to achieve. So much has been happening of late and a lot more will be happening!!! 40 Hour Famine this weekend is something I'm looking forward to, it's my first time doing it and I'm hoping it won't be the last.

Apart from that, this semester has been hectic, even though I don't have as many contact hours, the amount of work and depth has just doubled! I'm not complaining though, I love what I'm learning and doing! =)

God has indeed been faithful and gracious. When I first came to Perth and started school, everything felt quite surreal, even after a couple of months into uni. Just when I thought "Could life get any better than this!", God gave me something more, or rather, someone more. He blessed my life with a gift that is above and beyond my expectations, someone I would not have even dreamt of meeting. Some may call our acquaintance "a coincidence", but I call it "the Author's work".

Ever since I gave Him the pen of my life, to chart my life and to write my love story, He, the Author of the Universe, tore my old pages and started afresh.. In His story, He built my character, my understanding, added on to my wisdom and crafted family, friends, teachers and mentors to shape my life and add moments to it. He waited and wrote, guiding, molding, teaching and guarding me.. Through the years, He gave me an understanding for His word and for His purposes, showed me the true meaning of love and loved me, so that I can love again.

When the time was right, He brought a special someone into my life. Someone atypical. He made me understand what it truly meant by not matching God's perfections to mine and not imagining what would be best for me, because what He had installed for me was way beyond my humanly expectations, someone I won't have even dared imagine being with. So yes.. Life can get better than this when it is in accordance to God.

This feels like a first for me, the first time I'm in a relationship with God's understanding, the first time I'm in a relationship where God is in charge and most of all, the first time I'm in a relationship with someone who's my best friend. I don't deny that at times I'm afraid and confused, simply cause this is so different, because I'm not in control and that, can make me feel vulnerable. At times I don't know what to do and feel awkward simply cause I don't really know what to expect and how to react.. I'm like a baby learning how to walk.. I've got to first stumble my way along, before knowing how to walk the walk. But I know no matter how many times I stumble and fall, He will be there to catch me. I'm stepping into this relationship in faith and with faith, I know He will guard my heart and I do know that he will guard it too.

For my special someone, if at times I act funny, give you a hard time because I'm confused or even boggle your mind with my eccentricities, bear with me. I can guarantee that at times you'll not understand my mood-swings and I'll get on your nerves for the nitty gritty, I won't be able to comprehend why it takes you so long to reply a message, why you haven't checked on me or even for the most bizarre reason.. like you not being able to read my mind! At times you'll go.. Girls are so complicated and hard to understand.. These, I guarantee, will happen.. But what I can also guarantee is that no matter how mundane our dates get, or how hectic life is, I'll be happy that they're spent with you. I promise to not only love you for your good moments, but love you even more for your flaws, appreciate them and love them simply because they are a part of you. And even though you think that you may not be the most dashing guy on earth, and even if you think the world thinks that of you, I promise, if you could see the world through my eyes, you'd realise, no one can even come close to comparing with you. You're a precious gift from God that I hold close to my heart and God's gifts are nothing short of perfect.. Thank you for coming into my life and first being my friend, my best friend and my special someone.